I dream of a place where we can be free
Free for all to see
Without the sting of judgmental eyes
Without being linked to previous ties
A place where no one must wear a mask
Who we are, no one bothers to ask.
Is it too much for me to desire
A world I can look upon and admire
Where we are free of worries, pain, and fear
Where no one will ever shed a tear
Because of their culture, color, or religion
And acceptance is the widespread mission.
What I want to see most here and now
Is something human nature won't allow
But it can’t hurt to hope for a day
When social status goes away
And no one will have to bare the scar
Of just being who they truly are.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,137 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Kazey here for a review!
So the message you were sending in this poem was really strong. It was clear to your average reader, and I think for a worldwide message such as this one, it really worked.
However, you have quite a bit of forced rhyme. Now, as your poem's audience is just the average member of the public, they probably won't be able to tell, but still. For example, the line;
A place where no one must wear a mask
Who we are, no one bothers to ask.
Is very forced. Would you really say that in everyday conversation? Forced rhyme was something I did a lot as a developing poet, and I think you just need to take in your stride and move on, but also notice how you can improve. Also, just a small thing, but religion doesn't rhyme with mission. It's more of a half-rhyme.
Anyway, this was a really great message, so well done!
~Kazey
Hello! Here to free this from the clutches of the green room!
Okay, usually I don't like rhymed poems because their rhymes are really forced. Your poem has some forced rhymes too, but it is actually better than most rhymed poems I've seen, so good on you.
But still, you do have some forced rhymes. Read each line individually and ask yourself, "would I ever actually phrase something like that in real life?" if the answer is "no" rethink the lines until you get something more natural where both of them still talk about your poem's subject.
One of the reasons I think rhyme works for this poem is because it's a plea to the world. A world where a good percentage of people think that all poetry must rhyme, or only poetry that rhymes is good, a world of people who don't really understand free form poetry. Rhymed poems are good for those people who don't read poetry normally, and that's who I think this poem is targeting.
However, I still 100% believe you can write a free verse poem just as good as (if not better than) this one. Call me a free verse junkie, but they're so much less awkward.
Speaking of awkward, I know it's a lot to ask, but you already have it in places... Rhythm. Rhythm and rhyme go together so well. Your rhythm is off in several places, and I wonder if you were even trying to write in a rhythm, because if you weren't, you already got a sort of rhythm in your brain as you were writing this, I can tell. I think this rhymed poem would benefit a lot from a consistent rhythm. If you want some tips on how to write poems with rhythm (because not everyone learns that!), let me know, and I'd be happy to have a conversation with you! Same thing if you want to learn more about forced rhyme.
"bare the scar" should actually be "bear the scar." Bear means "to carry" and bare means "to uncover a body part"
Grammar. It's important to get it right in poetry. Or at least get it in a way that people can understand what you're saying.
for example, I'll put these lines in a prose form and you tell me if they make sense with their punctuation:
I'll answer that for you. No. It doesn't. The correct way to punctuate this little bit here would be something like:
I mean, sure, there are a couple fragments in there, but this is a relaxed poem, and people use fragments in their everyday speech all the time. End punctuation and commas and such are very important in poetry because it gives the reader time to take a breath and understand what the poem's about.
this was just one example of your punctuation in your poem. I suggest writing this out like a piece of prose before putting it back in poem form. It'll be much easier to see what you should do with the punctuation that way.
Also! This is important if you didn't know this. You don't have to capitalize the beginning of every line. I know english teachers always say that you should, but they are big fat liars. They are only thinking about classical poetry where that was a norm. But we are in the modern day where we realize that that is not the only way. In fact, I always find it more clear to read a poem if it has capitalization like it would if it were prose (a.k.a caps only for proper nouns and at the beginning of sentences). Heck, I even find it easier to read a poem without any capital letters at all than one with caps at the beginning of every line. So unless you have a real reason to do that (such as if this were an acrostic poem), I really suggest you just capitalize like if it was prose.
I like the message you're trying (and succeeding!) to send here. I think it's a sentiment that every rational person on Earth has. That's why this works so well being targeted to everyone!
However, there are a couple phrases here and there that are a little cliche. I'm not going to point them out unless you ask, because I might have a whacked sense of what's cliche and what's not. If you really think that all your lines are really original (or at least not painfully overused), then good on ya. I just read a lot of poetry, and a lot of these phrases and sentiments are used a lot, mostly because this theme is a very popular one for obvious reasons (remember when I said that everyone has this sentiment? It stands to reason that a bunch of people will write along this subject).
But it's conveyed well and put together pretty well. It's definitely a pretty solid poem for whatever purpose you need it to serve. Maybe not the most original, but that's not always the most important thing.
Great job, keep writing. I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or need any help!
~fortis
Hi! Shakthi is here for a review..!
Honestly speaking, your work is so nice and neat for any matter. I really enjoyed your work.
Your 'Desire' is definitely the one most of us need as a wish. To be ourselves. But, it is still an unreachable one for many of us ( and that's why it is worth a desire). we humans were well practiced to hide our own for the sake of others ( yes, society). But it really has no reason to be someone else - at the end.
Then, yeah your work is just perfect. It is explaining your unsaid emotions behind it - very well. I'm just amazed.
The worse part is that i cant find anything as negative. But your work worth a lot.
Happy Writing..!
Beautiful simply beautiful, couldn't have done it any better. A like well deserved!
Thank you very much.