Time flows like water within a stream
Continues like an everlasting dream
Following down its predetermined course
Without feelings of pain nor remorse
Ticking away like heartbeats on a clock
Nothing can stop it, neither pain nor shock
And once your pulse can no longer be heard
Time will go on, but you shan’t speak a word
One moment pleasant, the next, heartless
Covered in light or engulfed in darkness
Never-ending no matter what’s amiss
Forever trapped in the world of abyss
Bound by the unbreakable chains of fate
Time follows a path it cannot escape
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Hi,
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This poems was really good. It had a great end rhyme going throughout the poem and I also liked how the poem was based around the concept of time. Each line helped build up the topic of time. The First two lines (for me),were my favorite because I loved how the second line complemented the first line really well. Anyways, I hope to read more of your work and keep writing
~druhi.b
Hi!
I really liked this poem. The beat flowed smoothly and the concept was definitely captivating. The only place where I felt like the rhythm was broken was the line "one moment pleasant, the next it's heartless," which I think would flow better if you mentioned the subject of the sentence before the clause (like "one moment it's pleasant, the next, heartless").
On a similar note, the best writing advice I ever received was to cut out the word "it" as much as possible because this change can make any piece more powerful. Instead, you could try making moment the subject, as in "one moment passes pleasant, the next, heartless." The original line works, I just think the rest of the poem has such powerful, specific diction and some clarification would raise this line to the level of the rest.
Other than that, this poem is really well done! I enjoyed it
-Caiti
Wow! this is an amazing poem! I love how you describe time! I do have some little things to say though. When you say: "Time will go one, but you shan't speak a word" do you mean: "Time will go on...?" Another thing is that, you could describe time as a thief, stealing youth, and stealing memories and other things, to make it not be like your say time a lot. But, i do have to say, you describe time as a stream, which is awesome! I would recommend describing it more harsh, like, i don't know, a waterfall? Powerful and taking everything in its path? You could also say it's like a nightmare, but, if you want time to be positive, then leave it the way it is. I'm probably just being a stickler, because your poem is AMAZING! I like all your description! It makes you feel time and how it is so controlling! I love it! great job! Let me know if I said anything in this review to offend you, i hope not! Keep up the good work and never stop writing!
Thank you! You're very helpful
You're welcome