As we dance to the pulse of the tolling bell tower
And with the rising sun dawns our final hour
Over the hill they loom.
With our heads held high in one last stand
We await our commander’s one last demand,
While we fear not the promise of a dying breath
And embrace the knowledge of our impending death
Over the hill they loom,
Bringing forth our inevitable doom.
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140,135 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Incredible! Your word choices were amazing.
I like the concept of the poem, you stated what the poem was about without directly saying it. The point of view used was clear, though had to read it twice to fully understand but I felt that it was a little dull when it came to tone. There's some hints of sadness and acceptance but not a lot. The diction you used tends to be opposite of what you are trying to say.
For example, "dance" and "dawns" seem a bit too up-beat for this poem. However, if you were to look with a deeper eyes, those up-beat words sort of mock the soldiers. So if you were going for a mocking stance, then the first two lines work.
"Over the hill they loom" is a very powerful part of the poem, though at first it's hard to tell who point of view it is but again it works, once you read it twice through.
The rhyming aspect is very good, save for the first "Over the hill they loom." But it works, even though it has a tendency to cut of the rhyme for a brief moment.
The one thing that threw me off was the tone, as it's hard to tell what exactly the soldiers are feeling. Are they sad? or Are they accepting?
Hello, Eternity here to Review Your Work! (I like your user ^-^)
Suggestions: Ey, mate, this is very well written and I really like the concept. I do like the rhyming but there's only one sentence that doesn't rhyme with another and it threw me off. I would add something or take that sentence away because it's slightly iffy.
Sentence Structure: I like how you used bigger words to express things. I like that. It's not a simple poem.
Description: I like the short description here in this poem. It's really nice and I like this story behind it.
My Comments: I was quite dull above, but I don't think it needs much tweaking besides that one sentence. Other than that, I like this so well done! I don't normally review poetry so I find it sort of hard to give advice on it because it's different than things I fancy. I find poetry fascinating and beautiful but I can never write something decent so I stick to rants and Novels haha. Anyways, have a nice day and continue writing! I enjoyed reading this a lot!