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The beast inside

by Pencils77

Run run, fast as you can, but you can't outrun the inner man.

Run run, faster than light, but you can't outrun the inner spite.

Run run, faster than sound, run 'till you feet can leave the ground

But no matter how fast you run and hide

You can't outrun the beast inside

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120 Reviews

Points: 4842
Reviews: 120

Sun Aug 28, 2016 1:33 am
RippleGylf wrote a review...

Hello! Ripple here on this magical Review Day!

As 5kKitty pointed out, this is an interesting play on the traditional Gingerbread Man. I think the poem as a whole works better without connecting to that, and yet that phrasing creates a really solid flow to the piece. Not only that, it has a very poignant message, if a tad cliche.

I know 5kKitty pointed out the commas needed after the first "run" in the first three lines, but I think there should also be a comma at the end of the fourth line and a period at the end of the third and fifth lines. I think those are the only errors, but it's always good to double check. And triple check. And quadruple check.

You may also want to consider your capitalization. If you add the aforementioned punctuation, you could make the start of the fifth line lowercase, or you could keep the capitalization constant over all lines. You could even make everything lowercase. It's really up to you. However, you should definitely give it some thought. Capitalization in poetry is surprisingly important.

The poem as a whole is fairly short, but it gets your point across. I don't know if you would want to expand upon it or not. Keep writing!

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Pencils77 says...

Thanks so much. Those are good points, and I appreciate your review. I'll think about the capitalization a little more next time.

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22 Reviews

Points: 378
Reviews: 22

Tue Aug 23, 2016 11:18 pm
5kKitty wrote a review...

Wow! This is a great version of The Gingerbread Man, but with such a different meaning than the original. When I read this, I think of how we all have our rebel spirit inside and we can't escape, no matter how hard we try. Also, we all have our moments when we want to have our revenge on someone who has done us wrong. Now, onto reviewing!

1. I would add a comma after the first "run" in each of the first three lines. It should look like this, "Run, run, fast as you can..."

Now that I look back at your poem, that is the only correction I would make. Great job! Keep up the great writing and have a great rest of your day!


Random avatar
Pencils77 says...

Thanks for pointing that out! You're right, there should be a comma there.

“A good book isn't written, it's rewritten.”
— Phyllis A. Whitney, Guide to Fiction Writing