Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Here to Review!
My name is Omniyus, and I will be here to review to get you out of the green room! All kidding aside, I am here to review for you!
This poem is extremely funny! I liked how you created what you were doing(dreaming in this case) and, in this case, what you were dreaming about.
So, I was looking at your stanzas. I didn't know if you wanted to keep it the same rhyming pattern. The first and second stanza were ABAB, the third wasn't rhyming at all, the fourth was ABAB, but the last wasn't rhyming either. That's just nit-picky stuff that really is just something you don't need to listen to.
I loved this and, even though I don't like a lot of poetry, I will go back and read this over and over.
Hope this helps at all,
Omniyus
Thanks for the review Omniyus! As far as the stanzas go, I was trying to mimick the rhyming pattern of the song it's after, I Dreamed A Dream. Thanks again!
Its been ages since i've heard that song!
Feels funny to hear it after performing it on stage, Thanks!
That's cool that you preformed it. My aunt directed a high school preformance of the musical a few years back.
Oh my god, Les Miserables!
I know, right?
This has been doing the rounds on tumblr recently.
It's funny that I should come across this piece since "I dreamed a dream" has been stuck in my head. As a whole, rewriting songs is no easy task. I'll admit that I laughed in a few places, but as a whole I'm confused. Did you just write this for fun or was it for another purpose?
Anyway, the song you've decided to rewrite is definitely not a light one. That doesn't mean you can't write a silly song with the same tune, but I feel like this is more cut-and-replace then rewrite. One thing I've noticed in a lot of song rewrites is that the author can't think of words to replace a lyric, so they keep it as is. And that is certainly the case here.
Some of the lyrics you have are also confusing and they don't really make much sense.
What is this supposed to mean?
This is a good line, but it doesn't have any of the previous lines in the stanza. Think of the first stanza of the original song: I dreamed a dream and time gone by/When hope was high and life worth living/I dreamed that love would never die/I dreamed that God would be forgiving.
As you can see, each line in the stanza relates to the line previous it, and that's not the case here.
This line doesn't fit in with the tune. The original line is "Then I was young and unafraid" So instead of freshman, which is a two-syllable word, you should replace it with a one-syllable word.
Why would the teachers come at night? Why wouldn't they come during the day, unless they're updating grades. I would be more specific, but right now this just feels like cut-and replace.
The rest of the stanza is good, but instead of spelling out shame the way it's sung, just keep as "shame". We'll know the tune, so we'll know how it's supposed to be said.
This is almost the same is the original song - I would try to think if you could find a different way to modify it. By the way, what is "it" supposed to be referring to?
Why would the bell kill the dream? Doesn't the bell signify the end of class?
Overall, you did a good job with this. Rewriting songs is no easy tasks! Hope this helps - feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
I guess I wasn't too clear on what I was trying to say. As far as the passing independant living, that is a class that is offered at the school that I go to. The teachers come at night was meant to mean that the teachers post things and e-mail you late at night and then get upset when they don't read the e-mails. As far as the bell, the narrator is supposed to be sleeping in class, so he would wake up when the bell rang. I understand that I did not do a great job at conveying my message and it may not be great with matching up to the original either. However, this is my first parody, so I expectd it to be rough and have many mistakes and criticisms. Thanks for the input!