Attention, or the lack of it puts our kids in detention
It could be good or bad depending on how it is mentioned
It can be taught, it can be learned, depending on the lesson.
But lessons take time, and to take time
You need to give time, because it is greater to give then it is to receive
So give on
Give more
Give hope
Give love
Give compliments, as long as you know that attention is the biggest compliment you could ever give anyone.
But attention is always asked for
And they always saying show me some
Attention
Even if its from those ones we won't admit or mention
And Attention is the cause of this emotional recession, which has left us so broke,we can't even afford to pay full attention
To end this emotional recession
Its starts with the kids, and
Education
Attention, but the lack of it keeps putting our kids in detention, It could be good or bad depending on how it is mentioned
But reality is recession or no recession
Attention is free of charge
So next time I'm in charge
I'll make sure to give you some
Because it is better to be giving then it is to be receiving
Attention
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140,907 Literary Works • 673,718 Reviews
Hello there PeaceNyumbaiza!
This is Magenta here to review your poem that you have submitted to the public eye at YWS, Attention! I thought that this was a great poem that had a true meaning unlike some other poems and I think this could be the start of a very long poet career. i have some comments and suggestions to make for you as you continue on in your writing days!
"It could be good or bad depending on how it is mentioned
It can be taught, it can be learned, depending on the lesson.
But lessons take time, and to take time
You need to give time, because it is greater to give then it is to receive
So give on
Give more
Give hope
Give love
Give compliments, as long as you know that attention is the biggest compliment you could ever give anyone.
But attention is always asked for" This is my favorite part of the poem. I love the way that you are able to allude something important subtly than just saying it. It adds some new sense to the poem that I think gives your poem extra potential. Great job on that and two thumbs up!
The repetition in some parts really adds to the poem makes it flow nicely. This is a very unique poem that you have written. Unlike my other reviews that are drenched in my criticism, I really have nothing to review/ critique because of the amazing quality.
One nitpick:
"Even if its from those ones we won't admit or mention" Don't forget to add an apostrophe in "it's".
Okay, I think that I am done reviewing here!
~ Magenta
Hi there!
First of all, I love the message you're presenting here - especially these lines:
"Attention, or the lack of it puts our kids in detention
It could be good or bad depending on how it is mentioned
It can be taught, it can be learned, depending on the lesson."
I thought your repetition of this part was very effective. It sounds like it could be put to music, actually (could make for one of those rare rap songs that are truly meaningful).
I also liked the choppy use of "attention" at the end - it, pardon the pun, made me pay attention. It fit the tone of this poem nicely.
Now for criticism (I won't hurt your feelings, promise).
Little nit-picky grammar things: "Even if its from those ones we won't admit or mention" don't forget the apostrophe in "it's".
Then there are little comma issues, e.g. "Attention, or the lack of it puts our kids in detention" - putting a comma after "or the lack of it" would lead to a nicer flow, but it's up to you. That's just an example - there are other, similar areas you might find.
Also, I feel that the one thing this poem is lacking is a good rhythm/flow/etc., like the last reviewer mentioned. If you were to put some sort of structure in this poem, it would be less choppy and more rhythmic. Not lyrical, per se, but it would have a good beat to it, like a chant.
This is an excellent poem even with the choppiness, though, and it's up to you whether you want it more chant-like or rant-like (ha, it rhymes). I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, and it should definitely get more reviews. Hope I didn't give you a headache!
Hey there, author2b here and ready to review, giving this poem some attention. Haha, see what I did there? (I'm sure you did, and I'm just being silly.) So here is your review.
What I liked:
1. The concept. I think you did a great job at presenting your concept. Your poem isn't part of a set structre, but for me it isn't very distracting and it helps in making sure you get your idea across.
2. Your repeatition. There are select few lines that you repeat and because of that the effect is not lost. You make sure the reader understands that rather than asking for attention they should focus on giving their attention.
3. Your rhyme. Although there isn't a set scheme I like the rhymes you used. None of them seemed forced and they are very nice with the flow of your poem.
What I didn't like:
1. The rhythm/flow. Because there isn't a select scheme or structure sometimes your poem seems choppy. I would recomend looking over and finding areas that when you read it seems off or doesn't flow correctly.
Overall.
This a great poem. I love the concept and agree with you completely. I would work on making sure it flows nicely, but overall there is so much I love about this. Great job and keep writing.