Published October 19, 2006
The time is here,
The time has come,
For me to do,
What must be done.
I put my hand to one my sides,
And take the gun,
Form where it hide's,
I polish it down,
With spit and gum,
I put it to my head,
And pull the trigger,
BANG... life is gone.
My first and rubbish attempt hope to write better soon
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,439 Literary Works • 674,449 Reviews
I reckon it would sound better like this honey xxxx
I hope to see it soon.
hehehehehe..
I only liked this line.
Keep writing and posting it in here.
That it is actually not that good, i was just trying something out
Thanks i'll try it
Hehe!
A question: what did you intend to get across as your message with this poem?
Okay not sure if this will fit in with your poem, but where you say side and hides, it sounds odd. What about,
"I put my hand to one of my sides,
and take the gun,
from where it hides..."
It rhymes better.
Other than that and what Claudette said, it's wonderful. Beautifully written.
Pandora
Take out BANG. Try to rhyme the whole time if you're gunna in the beginning. Yea, Claudette got the rest.
I'm not sure how to critique it. The first stanza is better than the second IMO. Very gloomy though... Sorry, I'm horrible with poetry!