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Fern Midori #2

by PatchworkStudy


There were many things the members of Team World Adventure rivaled each other in. Sonic rivaled Ryn on Chaos power. Fern rivaled Sonic on most everyday things. Milkshake rivaled Buttermilk on cooking. Milkshake rivaled Ryn on magic. Usually, these rivalries were subtle, and were just a form of friendly competition. It was often Sonic and Fern who made these little contests end in people's heads getting stuffed into flowerpots and such. You get the idea.

Today, it seemed another rivalry had come up between the redheaded islander and the blue speedster.

Dodgeball.

Sonic and Fern stood at other sides of the court, emerald eyes trained on lime eyes. Fern glared at him with such intensity that Sonic chuckled at the iciness of it. The red ball was tucked under the redhead's arm, her hand on her hip.

"Are you ready?"

"If you are."

Fern raised the dodgeball, staring deep into the emeralds across the court. "Well, then! Prepare to meet the Ultra Mega Deluxe Dodgeball of Destruction!" Throwing all her weight into the ball, she drew her arm back, locked onto her target, and pitched the dodgeball with a surge of energy.

Sonic, however, was rather unperturbed by the velocity of the incoming ball. He watched the ball advance towards his face, a brow raised and eyes half-lidded. Then, with a quick slide of his left foot he sashayed to the right, and the ball raced right past his head. The ball bounced roughly off the back wall and retreated, now heading straight for the girl at the opposite end of the court.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO---"

SMACK. The ball hit Fern's head with absolute precision and sent her careening into the concrete below. The ball bounced twice and laid still, innocent of any offense. Sonic grinned and walked towards Fern, who now had an angry red mark on her forehead.

"You were saying?"

Fern gave him a death glare. "You know what? Go to hell."

Sonic laughed. "Okay, we can play something else."


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475 Reviews


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Sun May 25, 2014 2:33 am
Apricity wrote a review...



Heyo Patchwork, Subtle here for a very brief review. Jared had already pointed out the technical things do I will concentrate more on the content. So, this is fan fiction, aye? Then you'd best start showing us what they characters are like because besides from their names and their rivalry towards another character. Is basically a dodge ball fight? Your chapter is already very short, so is important that you develop the characters rather than describing actions. There is Definetely humor in this story, but there is also a lot of telling.

Like how in the first paragraph, you told us who is who are rivals. Instead of that, you could have showed us perhaps through the menacing glares they sent each other or some other format instead of plain telling.

Because is so short, I can't spat much about it, keep on writing!

-S,s






Thanks for reviewing! Actually, I have Episodes 1 and Part 1 of Episode 2 of this series posted here already, which has a bit more expedition on the characters. This was just a short drabble focusing on character relationships, namely Sonic and Fern.
But, thanks for the advice! Have a nice day!



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39 Reviews


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Reviews: 39

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Sun May 25, 2014 1:28 am
Jared wrote a review...



Hello, Jared here with a review.

First, I'll start with some nitpicks. Offending parts will be enclosed in brackets, as will additions.

There were many things the members of Team World Adventure rivaled each other [on].

Minor thing. [On] should be replaced with [in].

Usually, these rivalries were subtle, [not something to worry about.]

[not something to worry about.] is unnecessary if you're saying the rivalries were subtle. Also, I would like to note you overuse "rivalry" and "rivalries" in this story.

It was often Sonic and Fern who made [rivalry] end in people's heads getting stuffed into flowerpots and such. You get the idea.

Technically, [rivalry] should be [rivalries]. Even then, this sentence is odd.

Sonic and Fern stood at other sides of the court, emerald eyes trained on [lime].

Despite having little experience with the characters you are referring to, I'm assuming "lime" is a character, in which case, their name should be uppercase.

Fern glared at him with such intensity [that] Sonic chuckled at the iciness of it

[That] is necessary in this case.

Throwing all her weight into the ball, she pitched the dodge-ball with a surge of energy.

This could do with some rephrasing to more accurately describe the action of throwing the dodge-ball.

Sonic, however, lived in a world where velocity basically meant nothing.

I'm not even exactly sure if you're using velocity in a proper way (it was hard to tell the way you phrased it and the sentences that follow it. "Velocity is the rate of change of the position of an object, equivalent to a specification of its speed and direction of motion, e.g. 60 km/h to the north" (Wikipedia).

So, first of all. This was an interesting fan fiction. I'm always interested in seeing how people interpret certain characters if they battled (for instance, who would win). Overall, you had some awkward phrasing and you couldn't do wrong with more descriptive imagery.






Thanks for the review! I made the edits. I know, I'm trying hard to work on my imagery, and this was just a drabble so I admit that I probably didn't do much thinking on it.
Have a nice day! ^_^




I *do* like flipping tables.
— Faye Whitaker, Questionable Content