I once met a girl named Grace
She had short blonde hair
And the prettiest blue eyes
Her smile could light up a room
She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen
She was the definition of a free spirit
She didn’t just go to parties
She was the party
Grace loved all things music
The Beatles were her favorite though
She talked to me about her past
Her story brought me to tears
As I looked at her
I realized that I was Grace
And as I frowned
So did the reflection in the mirror
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
This considers as a definition of loneliness, its never the best thing in the world but your mind tells you that your beautiful and have every right to have self confidence, but it also makes you think your talking to a separate person because your loneliness gets the best of you and makes an imaginary friend for you until you realize your the exact same person in the exact same body.
Hey there! And a warm welcome to YWS!
I hope you're enjoying the site so far - and congrats on posting your second poem! Let's get into it -
I really enjoyed the "reveal" moment at the end there where we learned the speaker was the person she was describing. That was unexpected and certainly made the poem unique. One thing is as a reader I felt like there was maybe some aspect of the reflection I didn't know that the speaker did - you focus on a couple different aspects of the subject of the person in the mirror -> being a free spirit, having a sad story, loving music - > but I think you might work on linking these things together a bit more or weaving them into one conclusion of a person. What does it all mean? Why is the person in the mirror significant? In poetry I think it's always important to push towards significance in some way so that there's a "so what?" aspect of the poem that the reader can go away with. Show us as readers why it's important that Grace and the speaker are the same person.
You did a good job delving into some of the specifics of Grace -> like the detail about the frown, and the Beetles, this makes the poem more than just generic descriptions and helps the piece stick in a reader's mind. Definitely continue adding in those specifics!
Another part to grow would maybe be to have a little bit more imagery - that's something that tends to make poems "pop" when they really paint an image in a reader's mind.
Hope that helps! Keep on writing!
alliyah
I'm new to this site so I'm gonna try and review this to the best of my abilities!
I really liked this (especially the twist at the end)! As a fellow lover of the Beatles I applaud your wonderful music taste!
I would reiterate what @soundofmind said about metaphors and similes. Try beefing up your writing by finding things to compare certain aspects of her appearance to.
I definitely think it could do with a bit more detail. Maybe add a bit more story to get the reader really invested before dropping the plot twist.
Very nice poem though! Super good idea!
I will! Those are very good notes. My next poem will definitley include more detail. Thank you for reading!
Hey, Parks! It looks like you’re pretty new here! Welcome to YWS! :^) And congrats on posting your second piece too!
Getting right to the big picture - I think this is a wonderful concept for a poem. I like the idea to start out with a description of a person and then to later reveal that it’s the narrator theirself. It’s fun, and there’s a few different directions you can take it!
There are two things that come to mind that I think would really help strengthen this poem or future poems of the same nature, if you don’t plan on returning to this one! The first would be word choice. Now, I know when a lot of people think about word choice, it’s as simple as “find fancier sounding similies to replace the words I have.” I would argue that is is simple, but not that easy. I think in poetry we get a lot of different tools, and one of them is imagery. You describe a lot of things in the poem in a very straightforward manner - nothing about that is wrong, but spicing up the imagery can make it more interesting! Maybe instead of saying:
Try comparing her hair to something! What kind of blonde is it? Pale like hay, dried out in the summer? Gold like filigree, or the sun’s shining rays? Bleached by the ocean? Sandy like the shore?
Some of those descriptions can feel cheesy, sure, haha, but I’m just throwing out some examples to give you an idea of what I mean!
The second thing I think could help really make this poem shine would be to maybe consider trying a rhyme scheme. Your feel for the flow of a free verse poem is really good, and I think the way it reads at the moment is great, but it does feel a bit plain. Sometimes rhymes can actually help strengthen the flow of a poem and give it more punch! There are all sorts of rhyme schemes out there, and I’d love to see what you come up with if you experiment with them :^)
Before I close, I do like how the poem ends a bit unresolved. It feels like after the self-realization in the middle of the poem, instead of leading to a sense of settledness and inner peace, it’s like looking in her reflection gives her a realization that’s left unspoken, open to the reader’s interpretation.
Anywho, please forgive me any typos, as I have written this on my phone haha.
Lovely poem, and don’t forget to keep writing! And if you have any questions or want clarification or anything, feel free to ask!
-sound
Thank you for your notes! You have already helped me become better so thank you. I will keep all of this in mind for next time. Thank you for taking a moment to analyze my work!
You are so welcome! :^)
Oh, nice poem! I was like, "Grace might be a close person to the writer" until the plot twist came. You are Grace. Grace seems like a really nice person with a sad past. Kinda relate to her maybe that's what you what to portray? Over all, keep on writing @Parks0311! I like all your works. One day, I hope your writings are in a physical copied book. I would read that all day.
Have a nice day.
Thank you so much for your encouragement! I will definitely keep writing. I am excited to release more.
You're welcome!%uD83D%uDC97