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by ParisCarter


Makeup, something she does not have to wear,
For my paramour’s skin is soft as clouds above
Our heads,
And as flawless as placid waves
Swaying with the shore.
 
 
Those eyelashes long, flapping like
Wings on birds, but ever so carelessly,
Hitting everyone she meets with a strong breeze.
Those light-brown eyes, which hide underneath,
Barely able to be seen, shaped like two almonds
Molded on her round face,
Coated in a shell of coffee brown skin.
 
And it is those eyes, which I stare into for hours,
Pondering about what lies behind in that mind,
Which is strong as her will.
Her voice is soft, as if she was whispering to a
Hidden ghost.
But if you can hear just a second of her voice you’ll
Hear music played better than any symphony.
 
As she talks, her short black hair falls in front
Of her face, and she just brushes it to the side
With the whip of her wrist.
If only I could have a try.
Her body, an hourglass
Two legs no bigger than twigs,
And I know as she walks with those legs
Every boys’ pulse spike and head turn.
 
How could I forget her smile,
Which shines brighter than the fire of her desires.
And it is that lingering smile in my direction,
Which makes me soar higher than the clouds,
And my heart beat faster than jets.
 
I stare into those cinnamon eyes,
And the wind dances with her wavy hair.
I only throw away the urges to kiss those lips.
Those light pink lips,
Dosed with just a thin coat of light-red lipstick.
I throw away the urges to grab my paramour’s hand.
Makeup, something my paramour does not need
For she is perfect just the way she is,
No need to go tampering.


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157 Reviews


Points: 22293
Reviews: 157

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Sun May 26, 2013 7:17 pm
ERZA wrote a review...



Such a nice poem this one is! But its free vers method is kiiling it like its not able convey the right meaning... Anyways I have come up with something hope it helps!

Makeup,
Something she does not have to wear,
For my paramour’s skin is
Soft as the clouds above our heads,
And as flawless as the placid waves
Swaying with the shore.

Those eyelashes long,
Flapping like the wings on birds,
but ever so carelessly
Hitting everyone she meets
With a strong breeze and
Those light brown eyes which
hide underneath barely able to be seen,
shaped like two almonds
Molded on her round face
Covered in a coat of warm brown skin.

Well thats how you could do this. I have not done the rest of it and you are left to do the rest of it.
Good luck and I am sure you will be able to make this more of a smooth and flowy poem! :-)




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161 Reviews


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Wed May 08, 2013 3:58 pm
kayfortnight wrote a review...



Kay here to review your poem!

First things first, beautiful description and vocabulary. I can envision exactly how this girl looks and I love how you repeat the make-up part at the end for emphasis and a feeling of completion.

Now for the part when I struggle to think of something you need to improve upon, because I refuse to make a review and do nothing but praise. That doesn't help anyone. I didn't really get a sense of who this girl was, just descriptions of her beauty. Is she an unapproachable goddess or the type of girl you gaze at starry-eyed while walking on the beach? What does she do, besides sit around and look beautiful? Give us a sense of her personality. I can see that you love her. Make us love her too.




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34 Reviews


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Sun Apr 28, 2013 3:05 pm
planve wrote a review...



Well, there's no complain i have about how good this is. When i read it, it feels like am a guy looking at a goddess. To tell the truth, am one of those who hold rhyming last words in mind but this is one of the few exceptions for me. It has everything i can think of, from uniformity to diction to punctuation( which am not very good at). The only thing which i wish you would change is the title...choose something else which would easily communicate with the rest of the poem. Well, done.




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26 Reviews


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Reviews: 26

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Tue Apr 09, 2013 4:31 am
PinkPanther says...



Alright, so lets do this. First of all, you've gotta say "Makeup IS something she does not..." because otherwise the "For..." in the next line doesn't make sense.

In line 3 - " Above our headS"?

Then, placid kinda implies calm and STILL, unmoving, which doesn't make sense if you say they're swaying.

"Those eyelashes long, flapping like the
Wings on birds, but ever so carelessly
Hitting everyone, she meets with a strong breeze."
I like those lines, except in the last one - is there supposed to be a comma? It doesn't really make sense to me, even without, however.

"Barely" i assume is what you meant, not "barley" :D

"Molded on to that round face" you don't need 'to' here.

"Reminisce" means remember. I have found no other meaning. Try "pondering" or a synonim, for reminiscing doesn't make sense. But don't say "about" in that line, it's unnecessary.

Her voice IS soft, otherwise it's a fragment. I like "as if the she was whispering to a/
Hidden ghost." but lose the "the".

"But if you can hear just a second of her voice you’ll
Hear music played better than any symphony"
Maybe instead "If you hear even a second of it, you'll be listening to music
that is better than any symphony"

"Of her face, and she just brushes it to the side
With just the whip of her wrist"
first of all, you can't "brush" with a "whip". Maybe a "sweep" of her wrist? Also, you used "just" twice, fix that.

You try to rhyme thy to try, I think it's too obvious, you don't need it. Especially since to rest of the poem doesn't rhyme consistently. Also, you spoke the whole time of "her" and "she", you can't now switch to "you".

That SHE makes, or simply SHE makes every boy's...

"How could I forget about her smile," erase "about"

"And the wind dances with that wavy hair," love that. Put dot at the end though.


Nice job. Very lovely. Keep writing!




ParisCarter says...


Thank you so much, I'm not to good at punctuation and sentence structures, but I'm learning. I just went back and edited out a lot of other unnecessary words. Thanks!




I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say.
— Flannery O'Connor