Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
And I stared at her.
For the first time, I really saw her.
She was lying there amongst the mountainous pillows and the valleys of sheets, and I could not stop myself from sliding her chestnut hair from her face to behind her elven ears. I remembered laughing at her pointed ears in childhood when we would run through the thickets of tall grass behind my house. I would collect fat acorns and hide them in my cargo shorts. She was always the Queen of the Elves, and I was her servant set with the task to present her with beautiful rounded acorns to feed her loyal subjects... But we were not children anymore.
The thick grass had molded to white sheets; the soft hills of the backyard were now hefts of cushiony pillows. The sun was the same, however. It leaked through the windowsill and poured its morning glory onto the portions of Sophie's skin left uncovered by the blankets. A shadow cast upon the left side of her curved nose but left her plump, rosy lips untouched.
My hand stayed rested on her face like a leaf settling onto water. My thumb caressed the side of her cheek, and I longed to see her eyes again. Those emerald gems were hidden behind her closed, heavy eyelids and thick eyelashes. God, if she could just open her eyes for a second. There was a part of me that did not want her to ever wake up, only so I could continue to admire her beauty without disruption.
And now as I laid there beside her, I felt the weight of the world lifting itself off of my shoulders and my previous concerns of getting accepted into Duke waver. Sophie was here. She was all that I needed.
Sophie began to rustle. Her body began to contract as she moaned softly. Her eyes opened and shone brightly into mine. It was then when an expression of utter confusion struck her face. Sophie's thick eyebrows furrowed, and she jumped out of the bed with quickness. I sat up in the bed, wondering why she was acting with such fright.
"Tom! What the fuck?!" Sophie shouted and clawed at the sheets, trying to grab enough to cover her body as she realized she was completely naked. She stood there; the light fading from her face as she struggled to conceal herself. Sophie tore down the silk valleys we had created and sowed the grass from its luster; she could not remember. She looked at me with such confusion.
It was then I realized she had had too much to drink last night.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey, Nessa~ So this review is going to be pretty short. I'll try to be thorough, though, so hang tight.
Before I begin, just letting you know that I bumped the rating on this piece, seeing as it contains the f-bomb, which is pretty strong language and requires an 18+ rating. If you're ever confused as to how to rate a piece appropriately, Content Ratings Guidelines might help.
Spoiler
My first impression, when I began reading the piece, was that although the story in itself is not entirely cliché, the way you executed it in the beginning is. The narrator speaks of how 'it was as if [he] was seeing [her] for the first time', and this is a line that has been used and overused in teen-fiction until it's as well-worn as an old sock. I also disliked the cliché of childhood friend/enemy/something-in-between falls for the girl, but that last line was ... completely unexpected, not to mention amusing. So it works, I guess, although there reached a point where Tom's mooning got a bit ... excessive. And quite boring to read through, frankly speaking. This is where the piece seemed to be more descriptive writing than a narrative, or a short story.
In terms of plot, it's also rather weak. There's nothing to go by here; the characters are two-dimensional, there's not much in terms of conflict--in fact, the conflict only appears nearer the end. I feel as though this is /meant/ to be a drabble, but even for a drabble it's pretty sparse and has a chapter-like feel to it. It feels incomplete, and I would suggest you try expanding this a little so it can stand on its own, as a story with a beginning, middle, and end.
Tom's character is slightly on the chilling side, more obsessive than anything else, and as a reader I say: 'He unnerves me.' As an amateur word-player, I say, 'You should be totes sadistic and play with Tom some more, and branch this story out into something believable and solid.' The character-development was also much lacking, but you have the basics unrolled, and I wouldn't mind getting to know these characters better--so work on that.
Grammar-wise, I don't have much to comment on. Your descriptions are, for the most part, vivid, but sometimes slipping into purple prose; try to avoid this. I did notice that you've incorrectly used a semi-colon here:
~ The emboldened part is dependent on the part that is not in bold. Semi-colons are used only to divide two independent clauses, so a comma would be more appropriate here. Contrariwise, you could also change 'fading' to 'faded' if you want to keep the semi-colon! This article might help~
Overall, your writing is fluid, but I was hoping for some more focus on character and plot in this, not just description.
I hope to see more from you soon, and I hope this helped~
Keep writing! Keep it up!
PM me if you need anything/have any questions~
~Pomp
I loved your descriptions! The way Tom admired Sophie's body, it's fabulous! You have succeeded in developing an image in our minds. Though it might not be apparent, I felt as if Tom has loved Sophie all her life and only just took time to realise it. There's an underlying fondness in the story. I can tell from the phrases you have used.
For example:
The ending caught me by surprise. I didn't expect it at all. I haven't noticed any mistakes. To me, it's perfect!
Well done, and keep writing!
Well...I found the story humorous and enjoyed reading it. On top of that, it's short. Also the description you gave of the boy staring at the girl was pretty good. I felt as if I was reading a novel. Some mistakes I found and will point you out.
I wish you had described how the boy looked. From a little bit description you had made in the story it was evident that you focused more on the girl's part, but failed to put the limelight on the boy's part.
In the last sentence,"It was then I realized she had had too much to drink last night." It would have been better if you had put it this way, "It was then I realized that she had drunk too much last night."
And where Sophie and that boy childhood friends? Well, I felt that you could have described more on that part.
Anyway, It's a good story and pretty humorous too as you wanted it to be.