The air was so fresh.
It was so clean.
So empty.
So cold.
As I walked down the street that I had only seen in the early, lit mornings and the toasted sunset evenings, I began to appreciate the silence. There were no dogs for they were sound asleep. There were no people for they were passed out on their comforters; they were safe in their villas with thoughts of the previous day far behind them while their closed eyes were wishfully contracting. This thought did not provide consolation. The only sounds I recognized were the April breeze, my nervous footsteps against the forgiving concrete, and the intense motions of my left and right ventricles. I could only hear these things.
A pit began to form in my stomach like a vile, aching fetus as I thought about the window. Damn that open window. I sought to venture back and to find warmth in my encampment on the living room sofa and to wake up in the morning knowing I defied desire.
But He was waiting for me. God knows where, but I could hear his voice through the device my hands tightly gripped to. Nothing else mattered. Only him. Had I known this would be the beginning of our downfall, I would have never slipped through the window. I would never have seen the darkness. I would never have felt the preciousness of forever being half-empty. I would never have to see Him fall into another's arms. I did not know these things as I rolled up the blinds and bowed my head. I did not know. That damned open window.
I needed to retrace my steps. Reevaluate. However, I sought to live and to feel true freedom. Who was I without the cooing of my parents? Without their shelter? The other side of me yearned to know what the unknown knew. It craved to discover the secrets of the departed.
Despite my rebellious behavior and clouded judgment, I had never been so scared.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
This is a very well thought out short story even though it is a little short. One criticism I have with regards to this story is that the characters could be given a bit more description as it is hard to know who you are talking about when you meant He. Also I agree with PeanutPhoebe in that I find this story a little confusing. You need to expand on the plot more so the reader truly understand what you are talking about. Other than that it is a very nice short story.
Good job! This caught my attention almost immediately. While I am a bit confused on some of the events, it was beautifully written. You were descriptive, but not too wordy. You broke things up well. No grammar mistakes that I noticed. Hmm...I was gonna say something else...Oh, yes, I like that it was written in first person. Not a whole lot of people do that, and it's sometimes pretty hard to take on, but you did it well! Sorry about the length of this review, because it's a short story, I can't really do a long one...
This is very very good!! It really caught my attention straight off and my gaze never left it. The detailed descriptions and imagery is what makes it so good. You describe each thing enough so we can form an image/ idea while holding true to the story and to entice the reader through the beautifully mended words. The only criticism i do have, is be careful when using similes as i had to re-read ' .....like a vile, aching baby....' as it didnt quite make sense to the relevance of the piece, so think about that bit. Also, the use of 'preciousness' kind of stops the flow of the piece, making the reader re-establish his place in the piece because its such a mouthy word. Other than that, the language was beauty, the story was good, could have been more exciting with more things happening (but that is my preference in taste and literature) and it gripped, straight from the off! Da Iawn
Alright then. it took me a moment to figure out what was going on, but i finally did. lmao. i just want to tell you that i didn't see any mistakes. You are a really great writer, detailed. and you write with imagery that i haunt read in a while. i really enjoyed your work, and i can't wait to read some more of it.
Hello PaperNessa! (This is one of my first reviews, so I’m sorry if this is not an up-to-par review.)
) However, if you were intentionally using this to create a mysterious feel to the story, it certainly worked! 
Overall, I quite liked your story. In terms of the language, I thought your description of things was awesome! The first few concise sentences really set up the mood. Also, there were several lines with words strung wonderfully together. My favorites: "The other side of me yearned to know what the unknown knew. It craved to discover the secrets of the departed." It flows so nicely! I do have a couple suggestions, though.
“There were no people for they were passed out on their comforters; they were safe in their villas with thoughts of the previous day far behind them while their closed eyes were wishfully contracting.”
To me, this sentence seems a bit funny. I think you can change the punctuation or do some minor rearranging to perhaps enhance the reading flow. A possible idea: “There were no people for they were passed out on their comforters; they rested safely in their villas, the thoughts of the previous day far behind and their closed eyes wishfully contracting.”
“The only sounds I recognized were the April breeze, my nervous footsteps against the forgiving concrete, and the intense motions of my left and right ventricles.”
Personal opinion, but ventricles seems kind of like a harsh-sounding word here. Also, you list two straightforward noises and then use a realistic euphemism for the third one. Maybe it would flow better if you got to the point and just used heartbeat or ‘the intense pounding of my heart’ or something to continue the trend?
As for the story, I followed along perfectly fine until we reached the bits about ‘him’ and the window. While I understand details can be left out for effect, in this case, I was kind of confused. From what I’m assuming, the character of this story ran out of a window (is this supposed to be literal or metaphorical?), which caused some problems between her and lover. And then this lover moved on. It leaves me with a lot of questions, if I even inferred the right thing. You refer back to the window several times. What is its importance? I would have liked to know more about the situation, because I'm not sure I quite got it. (Like the other reviewer, it could just be me. Also, I’m really not the one to talk about confusing stories
Overall, I enjoyed this short story. Aside from a bit of confusion, I thought you described the events well and intriguingly enough to keep the reader thinking about what happened. Keep it up!
Hope this review can help
Just to clear up the storyline: the chatacter has snuck out of her house through an open window to meet her lover. This is written as though she is looking back on the event which is why it refers to the lover's later separation. Basically, the characters are in love and are meeting each other, but the narrator is recounting the story and explaining how things are today.
Hey there, ConfusedGlasses here to review!
Well, you did a pretty good job at describing things, but it is sort of confusing. Why do you keep saying "That damned window"? That is the most confusing part. Then there is the part about "Him". That is extremely confusing as well. Yeah, so, I think you should have explained these parts a bit more. Other than that i think this is great!
Maybe its just me who doesn't understand what this is about. But hey, you're the writer here.
Keep working hard.
Ciao.
The narrator is recounting the earlier story from a later date. She has snuck out of her house through an open window. The references to "him" is her lover who she is sneaking out to meet. Because the narrator is referring to an earlier occurrence, she also refers to how things are with him and her lover as they are now. In all, it refers to how in love they were to sneak out together and how they have chosen different paths presently.