This is the end. This has to be the end.
I could feel the cold ground against my body, my stomach aching tremendously from the lack of food and water. I laid there, not taking the risk of moving.
No one cares if I die, so why won’t death come? Why won’t God let me die already? Why do I have to keep suffering?
I heard footsteps, faint footsteps, but I knew for a fact that I could hear them. “Help,” I yelled as loud as I could. “Somebody, help!” I continued shouting. The person obviously heard me, because I got a response.
“Where are you?” the person exclaimed, running in the direction of my voice.
“Over here!” I told them, slightly raising my arm. They kneeled down next to me, panicking.
“Don’t worry, you’re going to be okay! I promise!” he whispered to me, the person now identifiable as a male.
“That’s what everyone says,” I muttered, trying to sit up.
He lifted me up onto his shoulder, running as fast as he could to his vehicle. Laying me in the passenger’s seat, he got into his seat and started driving. “I’m taking you to the hospital, okay?” he mumbled, trying to get there as fast as he could. “The name’s Riley, don’t wear it out,” he chuckled.
I simply nodded, not able to do much more than that. For a while, I sat there, waiting to arrive at the hospital. Finally, approximately forty-five minutes later, we finally made it to the hospital. He gently picked me up, hurriedly walking to the emergency room. The staff’s eyes widened when they saw him. “Officer Riley!” they exclaimed in shock.
“I found this girl laying on the ground in the woods. She looks as if she hasn't eaten in days. She most likely wandered into the woods looking for food,” he told them, handing her off to the nurse. “I promised her she’ll be okay, and I intend to keep that promise.”
“Don’t worry, we’ll do whatever it takes,” the nurse reassured Riley, rushing me to the nearest open room. “What’s your name, sweetie?” she asked me.
“Grace. Grace Brooks,” I answered quietly. “Food… I need food,” I told her weakly.
“I’ll get you some food, Grace,” she replied, picking up the phone. “Could I please get some food down to Room 219 ASAP?” she questioned to the person on the other line. “Thank you,” she told them, setting the phone down. She grabbed a sponge and a bucket of warm water, gently cleaning off my face.
A few minutes later, another nurse arrived with a tray, on it there was a bowl of soup and some crackers. “Food…” I whispered, reaching for the tray. She laid it on the small table above my bed. “Thank you,” I told her before picking up the spoon and quickly taking a bite of the soup.
“You are quite welcome! It’s about time one of our patients showed some respect for what we do,” she smiled at me. I nodded before continuing eating my soup, stopping every now and then to wipe my mouth.
After I finished my food, I sat there for a few minutes, thinking to myself. “Oh Father, please Father, I’d love to leave you alone, but I can’t let go you…” I sang.
A while later, I managed to drift off to sleep, finally realizing I was going to be okay.
I will survive. I must survive. I can't give up yet. Not yet...
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
This has a lot potential and it's intriguing, but I couldn't a picture of where anything was happening. Really there wasn't much description as to where the character starts. And there isn't must emotion either other than a couple thoughts. There does't seem to be much pain or fear. Also, i was a little confused as to what tie period it was. It seemed modern yet there were a couple times when it would've been farther back in time.
Hi, I thought I'd review as I like the possibilities, but I noticed a few things...the opening sentence is great, it catches my attention straight away. Her angst in the third paragraph is also good. She sounds defeated, but is she scared as well? I didn’t really sense any fear. If there were more description of her surroundings, the reader might have a better feel for her desperation.
I like the glimpse of Riley’s character but it needs more. When he comes running over and kneels down beside her, there's no description of him. As a reader, I’m wondering; what does he look like? What's her first impressions of him? I am wondering if it was kept subtle to reveal later that he’s a police officer? But there can be ways to describe him without giving away that fact until you're ready.
I didn’t notice spelling errors and the layout was clear. With the dialogue, I wouldn't use exclamation marks when Riley's whispering to her. To be honest, I think the dialogue can be cut down in a few areas. E.g. When Grace asks for food, you could have the nurse respond to her. But then it could just go into a quick description of her picking up the phone, rather than a detailed account of everything that's said.
This prologue sparked my curiosity...how did she get in that situation? As a suggestion, maybe not reveal in the second last sentence that she realized she was going to be okay. It takes away some mystery. The final sentence is good; it shows her determination and gives a hint that there may be more challenges to come.
I hope this has been helpful. Overall I think this story has good potential
omg Why does everyone keep asking what happened to her?
ED here to review
First off, you have an interesting premise here. Something that will grab the reader and get them interested right away.
That being said, you can’t really on that to carry your story. You have to work to keep that interest.
There needs to be more description here; with the exception of the first paragraph this is strangely lacking in detail.
Show, show, show.
What are her emotions? What are her thought? How would she describe what she sees, how she feels? You need to make this specific to your character, get inside her skin.
That brings me to my next point: Try and keep things more realistic. This a girl lying alone and wasting away on the ground in the forest. She isn’t going to be describing things like you, the author, normally would. This is one of the most difficult things about first person---it has to be the character, not you, who is speaking.
How would what she’s experiencing effect her ability to describe what is happening to her?
Here’s paragraph one, with minor edits to make it seem more vague and disjointed, like she’s slipping around the world of consciousness:
Well, I took a lot of liberty there but you get the point. Try to pick a mood that you want to convey through what your character describes and what voice she uses, and stick with it.
My final point is that this moves too quickly. It should take some time and some effort to get her to the hospital. Show us the agonizing wait, don’t just breeze through it. Here’s what I suggest: Make the scene where she is lying in the forest and later found by the officer the only scene in your prologue. This gives you the ability to extrapolate and be a bit poetic in nature. The hospital scene belongs to chapter one. (It could fit in the prologue, but make it directly connected to her being found in the forest. i.e., the reader probably isn’t going to be very interested in her slurping down soup.) Then here’s the next part of my challenge: Expand on the prologue so that it’s at least two pages long. That doesn’t mean more is happening, that means you’re slowing down to give things the description and detail they need.
Those are my brief comments, hope this helps and keep writing.
~ED
Thanks!