[pre] We are those who cannot be ruled,
Ours are the hearts that cannot be cooled.
Where the fire burns and sunlight churns,
There our hearts shall lie for all,
All to see and answer our call,
For all to know how our kind fall.
We who throw emperors off their thrones,
Ours is the blood unburied with our bones.
It is spilled, we are killed.
For our cause we lie dead,
The ground is a mirror of twilight red,
Listen, and you shall hear, what our hearts said.
We personify revolutions, that turn the wheel of time,
We do not live to see the end, all in the same rhyme.
When the world turns cold, and the evil old,
It is time to draw our guns and roses,
To write up fiery rhymes and proses,
To be the hero and spell lethal doses.
The rule is to stand and be prepared to be struck,
To fall with a cry and feel the passage of luck.
Then join our ranks, brother, and welcome another,
For, as long as there is evil in the land,
People will rise to lead their band,
To cause tumult and turmoil at their command.
Be prepared for the fight,
And do not be fooled,
Try as you might,
We cannot be ruled.[/pre]
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140,571 Literary Works • 673,496 Reviews
Mmm....
It was good. Not excellent.
I hate siding against a poem, but this one was really too bland to be called a "great" poem, which made it boring. It's entertaining enough, but...it didn't make me feel or see anything, you know??
Add imagery. It really helps. And of course, add many, many more metaphores. Change your rhymes. Add alliteration and assonance. Add more senses--smell, touch, feel, taste, hear. Make us relate.
Other than your lack of some of the above, it was pretty good. I liked it.
One of the most true poems I've ever read, from a martyr's point of view anyway.
that poem is amazing! great job!
i really enjoyed it.
keep up the good work!
Hmmm Perhaps I'm less amazed than everyone else?
Don't get me wrong, it is good. It has a lot of potential. But for me, it was somewhat boring. You were telling me about the group, and that is it. I want visuals, I want to see things, and understand this group, and feel things, and be apart of it. I suppose I'm saying I want more than what you've given us already. The rhyming in places felt a little ho-hum, like you could have done it better. (Eva pointed out S2, and I agree.)
Something else you might want to consider is working with rhythm. You have lots of rhyme, so adding rhythm to the poem would just make it better.
Some of your word choice could just be better, really editing can never hurt, it can only make you better. For example, at the line, "For our cause we lie dead" I immediately thought that "lie dead" was weak. Sure, it gets your point across, but couldn't you use stronger vocabulary? Word choice is real important. Extremely important. A good article to read on it is this one: Right Word, Right Time by Cadmium. That should help you figure out what I'm rambling about!
Don't get me wrong, it's good, but I guess what I am saying is that it can also be better. Nothing ever reaches perfect, and it can always be better; same with this.
Best of luck!
If you need to work on anything, I'd start with S2, the rhyming seems rather bland.
Wow, just wow... I'm sorry I can't say much, I can only say try moving away from rhyme or adopt more interesting rhyming then you could do amazing stuff. So sorry I can't say alot =( it's just WOW!