A bit bland i must say, myself, but all the more reason to critic me like hell.
When did it embark, this crippled mind,
Upon this voyage fantastic,
That it is reborn, no more marred,
And ever more elastic?
It braves the storm, of a countless thoughts,
And escapes it for the moment.
It breaks the earth, to a thousand bits,
Its power is so potent.
And when it pieces the bits as it wishes,
It will see the world anew,
Then shall it mould the world as it sees,
Its creation will surely be true.
When did it embark, this fearful mind,
Upon this voyage terrible,
That it is reborn, no more afraid,
With thoughts so brave and noble?
It covers the expanse, of unchartered ideas,
And of knowledge is a Conquistador,
Unbreakable Armada, unbroken by ignorance,
This enigma needs no lore.
It envelopes the numbers, and sees the rhythm in nature,
Whatever the odds it can find a way,
Underestimate it not, impossible is nothing,
Just unleash it to work as it may.
When did it embark, this common mind,
Upon this voyage unique,
That it is reborn as a treasure chest,
That opens without a creek?
Imagination is the only key,
Unlock it and you shall see,
Behold the mind, the travel bound power,
That lies within you and me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Good rhyming & honest to an extent!
Overall a sound piece of work!
I was good. I just feel something was missing in it.
It was good,but a poem is suppose to hook you from the beginning till the end. This didn't have it.
The description was very well done. That is what actually matters. As long as the reader can visiulise a picture in his/hers head., then it is a sign that it is a good poem. Well done in that.
The entire idea was great and I'll give you credit for that, but somehow you were missing that important piece of the puzzle that hooks a person to read it.
I still think it was good and can't wait for more of your work.
While I do think this is a wonderfully described poem, I also agree with Sean Pendr in that I think a more free form style of poetry may be the way to go, or at least something for you to attempt.
Free style will often open up new avenues for description, seeing as you are no longer restriced in your word use. Considering your wonderful ability with words, I would definately consider it.
Once again, this was lovely.
*hearts* Le Penguin.
I liked this very much. the discription was amazing, i could feel the power of the mind. actually i loved this, and i normally do not iike poetry. keep going, i look forward to reading more.
god...your a peom powerhouse.... the forced ryming is evident in the 2nd and 4th lines of each stanza, it flows nice, and you word use fluctuates throughout. imagry comes from the use of the perfect cobination of words that describe your message, meaning or perspective. i would reccomend using a style of non ryming poetry, what i mean is a much more free style that doesn't require it, as it will alow you to create more vivid images and poetic depth. you have great potetial, so use it in the best way of expression you can find, and rmmember, it doesn't hurt to read your work aloud to catch stuff you don't like.
good luck and don't keep expecting harsh words of criticism, it will dissapear entirely if you keep moving forward.
Hmm.. I wouldn't call this bland to be honest and I think it is actually quite good, considering it is your first post. I like the 'Voyage Fantastic' part and think that this worked well with the poem.
The flow continued throughout perfectly - I thought- and it is certainly better than any of the work I have done, on the flowing status. The rhythm did tend to jump about a little bit and in some places, it seemed to even stop and turn to just a piece of writing. I'm not sure, maybe I was reading it wrong?
Your use of punctuation seems good and I have no complaints about the normal and altogether traditional structure, so good work.