SHADOWS CREPT IN as dawn’s pallid light infected the sky, bringing not relief but a maddening silence that leeched the warmth from his bones. He arrived gasping, heart slamming against his ribs, robes clinging to his scrawny frame. One minute late, but the magically infused ancient oak door recognized him, opening its toothless maw in acquiescence.
Two timid steps carried him into the cavernous belly of the hall. He hesitated, skin prickling. Something lurked in this purgatorial silence. His breath whistled through grinding teeth as his wild eyes scoured the void for signs of life. Where were the warriors, the fools? This historic hall should be alive with sound, yet empty stillness greeted him.
Onwards he crept through the wailing darkness on legs no steadier than a newborn colt’s. Chest tightening, he neared the room’s heart – the pedestal, now barren. Realization crept up his spine with icy certainty. They had abandoned him. Taken the machine to flee this dying rock, leaving him behind to be consumed by the void.
Bile surged up his throat, bringing him to his knees. He had built that machine – his lifework, his masterpiece! Yet they had sacrificed him to save themselves.
Forsaken. Doomed. Alone.
The asteroids swam closer through dead space, harbingers of the firestorm that would unmake this world. His chest spasmed, each breath more labored than the last. Nothing left but to await the annihilating light, the silence splitting open to release a deafening scream of burning sky.
One final thought flickered through his mind before the flame: “I should not have hit the damned snooze button.”
---
author's note: This is the latest -- and hopefully the final -- iteration of my previous short story called One Minute Late which you can also read here.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
Well this is quite fun to envision, an entire world's fate and a life's work being undone and turned against everything simply by missing an alarm to wake up there.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Well looks like we're stumbling into quite the epic moment there from the looks of it. That's a really rich description there for a simple hall. Almost a little too much I have to say on how deep that goes. It feels like you're trying to do it up a bit too much in some aspects, but we'll see.
Oooh well looks like a inventor of some sort and his invention was quite rudely and forcefully stolen from his from the looks of it. I like the description there much better. Still grand but much more readable and not overdone like in the opening.
Well that's a hilarious to end with on for something that appears to be quite literally world defining from the description towards the end there. Quite a neat twist.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
I'm not sure what the intention of this piece is. It remains grand throughout and but has a very neat punchline to end on but the punchline doesn't change anything about the horrors to happen so the humor feels...out of place? Its still funny in an ironic sense this grand ending from such a silly mistake but I feel for that you need to play it up a little more towards the ending and have more of a paragraph for a punchline.
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Oooo this is very very well written! It’s full of suspense and interesting language/deception. It allows me to clearly picture the character and scene I. The story clearly.
My favourite line is;
“ Two timid steps carried him into the cavernous belly of the hall.” I love the use of cavernous it’s just beautiful.
Thank you for sharing this with us!
I enjoyed the build of suspense as you find out that he got left behind and that where ever he is is going to get hit. The last line hit nicely too suggesting that if he had just woken up earlier he would of survived. I also love some of the adjectives you used it adds a wicked chilling tone. It was cool. Anyways I hope you have a good whatever time of the 24 hour rotation your at.
Hey PadrePio!
Icy here dropping by for a quick review this evening. From memory your previous draft was in pretty good shape so I’m interested to see how you’ve managed to improve upon what you had before.
You build the tension really well in this piece with a lot of well written descriptive language. I don’t know much about the setting given the length of the piece but from the description it’s definitely easy to buy into it.
I really loved the writing style too - it was easy and enjoyable to read.
My only point would be that I’m not really sure what this built to? Is the suggestion that the world has gone to chaos and wouldn’t have if the MC had stayed in bed? It feels a bit out of place and more like it’s been dropped in to tie to the title.
Overall though a great piece - thanks for sharing!
Icy
Sorry, this is an awfully short review.
This was an interesting story about a man who arrives at the hall where a machine he had built is going to take everyone off their planet. The planet is about to be destroyed by asteroids. But he gets there a minute late and everyone leaves without him, leaving him to a fiery death.
You used colorful language to describe the scene. My favorite line is the first one,
I liked the descriptions, and the way you perfectly convey the main character's feelings at being abandoned. I mean, who wouldn't feel awful when left behind to die when you're the one who built the machine that will save everyone?
This story is dramatic, but you've added a humorous touch at the end, when the character's dying thought is
and I like the alliteration before it with the words flickered and flame.
There is magic with the oak door and the historic hall, but also a bit of the real world with an alarm clock with a snooze button.
That's my review! I liked this story a lot and it was cool to see how Snooze Button evolved from One Minute Late.
Hola @PadrePio!
Beyond my beloved horizon, I'm setting sail into uncharted pages with an itch for adventure. Through binoculars, I spy with my little eye a captivating story titled “Snooze Button” that deserves a good review. Therefore without further ado, let's begin.
I. It all Begins at the Beginning
The beginning of a story is one of the most important parts of the story, not only does it serve as a sort of short explanation of what the reader can expect from the story, but with the introduction the reader decides in less than one second whether or not to read on. Thus, it really does begins at the beginning.
Your beginning immediately sets the stage for something intriguing and shocking. In your short piece of fiction, your protagonist, Bile, arrives late at a significant location, a historic chamber or perhaps an hall.
I must say that the story reminded me of Indiana Jones, it has the same kind of tension and suspense packed in the scenes.
The mention of "one minute late" not only adds an element of mystery, it is also a reference back to your previous chapter. It definitely creates an atmosphere of anticipation and a sense of excitement.
This part of the first line immediately gives you the feeling of holding a real book in your hand and turning the pages, it indicates the very beginning of a chapter, and it is wonderfully intriguing to see.
II. Writing Style & Variety
Your writing style is exceptional and just remarkable. It seems as if every line is packed with vivid imagery and your story does an excellent job of creating a sense of fear and hopelessness with its use of descriptive language.
The story succeeds in evoking emotions, especially a sense of regret and fear.
I'm not quite sure I understand what you meant with the sentence: "I should not have hit the damned snooze button.”, but I suppose it is a moment of irony and dark humor. If I'm right, I must say that that was a touch of uniqueness and it definitely makes the character distinctive.
I suppose it indicates how the character is reflecting on how a simple and small action, such as hitting the snooze button, could lead to dire consequences which in this case played a role in his abandonment. It's a way of highlighting the irony and absurdity of the situation, as well as the character's regret
III. The Door To Improvement
Character development:
While the character's regret and despair is portrayed effectively in your story, you could still consider adding some background information or personal traits for Bile. This will help the readers to fully understand him.
Dialogue or Inner Monologue:
Incorporating some dialogue or an inner monologue could provide some insight in to the character's feelings, motivations and thoughts, something that is almost the same as the character's development.
Twist:
You skillfully create an ironic and impactful ending and the tension in your story is also incredible, however, you could consider adding a twist to the story, at the end, to make the ending even more impactful and reveal more about the situation or Bile's stolen machine.
These suggestions are offered with the intention of boosting the story's depth and impact, so I hope they are helpful.
IV. All In All
Everything in all and all in everything, I found your story incredibly captivating and an intriguing read. "Snooze Button" has a lot of potential and a strong emotional impact. You could consider expanding the character development and introducing a twist to enhance the story's impact.
That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!
¡Qué tenga un buen día! ¡Adiós!
Rose