No More
You thought I was blind.
You thought I was dumb,
but now you don't know what's to come.
The bombs that you throw,
and the arrows you fire,
wash away all my desire.
You thought you were hot.
You thought you were cool.
You thought I was a simple fool.
You can't use me,
and then just throw me away,
because when I leave I won't come back to stay.
You thought we were good,
and that I was happy.
You didn't understand that I felt crappy
What we used to have,
the fact that I said J'adore.
Too bad I love you no more
This might come as a shock,
Some unexpected news,
but you made me catch the blues.
You tried to take my self worth.
My heart is what you have tore,
but now I love you no more.
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140,206 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hello PCA123,
Firstly I liked your poem! The way you have described it, it shows deep emotions behind each line! So good attempt no doubt!
Secondly, the things which I found wrong are no proper rhyme and some words used are really very down the ground! Like for example cool, hot, good, bad....etc . If some good vocabulary words instead of these, would add more stars to your work for sure!
Well I may also be wrong as I don't write poems and don't read as much as fictions! But I believe any great piece of work will touch your heart whether you are reading it first time as a new form of writing or old! And this poem really touched in some lines! So good attempt!
Lastly, I'd love to read more your works! So looking forward for it! Keep writing !
Keep smiling!
Hey!!
So, hi, a few things before I start praising this.
:/
First, poems should normally have a rhyme scheme and the fact this doesn't threw me off. In some places it rhymed and in some it didn't. In some places it was a,b,a,b scheme and in some it was like c,c,c,a and it threw me off so much!
In the last two lines, I felt your pain.
Amazing detail.
But, it would have been even better if 'tore' was replaced by 'torn' or some other synonym and then rhymed. But that wouldn't work as well. Anyway, tore is definitely not right. It sounds and looks wrong.
Even I could tell that much.
Also, this in some places felt sentimental and formal. But once you use words like 'crappy' it really brings out immaturity and makes this poem seem informal when it should sound just the opposite!
I hope I wasn't too hard on you because I really do like the concept of this poem.
Sorry for bashing you so much but its just constructive criticism on my behalf.
Great job!
Keep writing!!
~Tiff
Hello, Hello! What, just what, could have inspired this dreadfully heart wrenching poem? Let's get started with this review (Could I just mention that I love your avatar?)
I felt a deep pull to this poem. I felt heartache, regret, and maybe the foreshadowing of revenge, with the colorings of rage. You had the rhyming down very well, I really can't say that I could have done any better!
Here, even though you have a consistent eight syllables in this selected pattern, I suggest tweaking the latter to 'You thought I was but a simple fool.' You read it over and decide how you want it to sound in your head. This was just a suggestion from my viewpoint. However if you do decide to change, don't worry about it messing with the scheme because this comes up again a little farther down.
Again, excellent rhyming scheme. While I agree with xJupiter that 'hot' and 'cool' can be quite overexposed and overused in a lot of writing, it's part of our everyday speech and we have to find ways to embrace it. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I still can't make up my mind about the instance here.
Let me explain a bit. While xJupiter has an obvious point, I first looked at it as a contrast. You were describing this person as someone who almost couldn't decide whether to be hot or cold, two completely polar opposites that were constantly at war with each other whether the person thought of it that way or not. If that was what you were trying to get across, bravo. If not, maybe look into rephrasing.
Remember we were talking about the eight syllables? Here you have eleven, but yet we tried to squeeze it all into the same format. I would suggest you knock off the 'because' to make 'When I leave, I won't come back to stay.' You again have nine and at least something is right in this wronged person's world again.
Now here is someplace that I agree completely with xJupiter. While we might be able to slide on 'hot' and 'cool,' crappy just feels a bit, well, crappy. Good news though! With ten syllables in this sentence, you have quite a bit of allowance to tweak it till it's just right.
Is it just me or would it make more sense saying 'and now I love you no more?' to me it just seems to flow better, but you'll need to think about that yourself!
My review is getting kind of lengthy, so I apologize because I know that it can be kind of overwhelming at times. I just wanted to assure you though, that you are a brilliant writer with a purposeful drive and a voice to be heard.
Keep writing and keep on smiling!
~RagingLive
P.S.
Don't let anyone tell you it doesn't have rhyme structure! *Winks*
*Hits 'Like' button*
Hello PCA!
This is a pretty nice poem, but I think that it could use a little help (like all good things).
Personally, I like rhyming in poems, but you can only pull it off if your rhythm works. I'm just going to point out some spots that could use a bit of adjustment, and I'll let you decide what's best for your poem.
First of all, the "No More" at the beginning- is that just there to be a title? I feel like it's not really a part of the poem, nor is it necessary.
Okay, here's one of the spots. You need to keep the "come" for your rhyming, but the rhythm of that line is a bit off. Maybe you could try something like, "but you didn't know what was going to come."
Possibly "washing" would work better than wash there. You just need to read some things out loud to yourself, and then I think you'll get the hang of it. ^_^
Little grammar thing here. If you are going to use periods the way you are, then I think that you should not have it after happy, but after crappy. You can replace the original period with a comma. It's just that the last line is still connected to the first two, rather than the next two.
Same thing with the period here, and also I have a slight issue with J'adore. J'adore simply means, "I love" in French. If you just want to keep that phrase without making it something like "I love you", then it may not need to be capitalized, but italicized would be nice. Also, "The fact that I said" doesn't flow very well. Try, "and when I said" instead.
Okay, this last line is one of the other mistakes poets trying to rhyme often make: making the line or stanza something unnatural, or improper, to fit the rhyme. What I recommend here is just ditching the rhyme all together, and making it stand out because it's a strong line: Now I love you no more. Whatever you do with it, please don't keep that "tore" in there. At least correct it to "torn". Other than that, look through the poem again (especially the last lines of stanzas) and see if the rhythm is off. If so, play around with ideas until you find one that works. Your first draft doesn't have to be your final draft.
Best of luck to you and your writing!
-Falco
Heyo. I like chickens. But anyway! xJ here for a review. I really did like the poem until about the half-way mark of it. This poem is great! But it's a bit weak. It needs some re-wording and less... weak adjectives? Like: Good, Bad, Hot, Cool... You could've maybe been more detailed? Because this is good! But it's... yeah... 1st grade level adjectives. But, it is something that can be fixed!
This would be better as a free-verse. These rhymes seemed just a bit forced. That's the kind of thing I use, free-verse lets your express your words more, and you don't have to concentrate on creating a rhyme ALONG with having to not make it sound bland and... bad...
"You thought you were hot. You thought you were cool." Here's an example: "I think chicken is great. It was fun what I ate." These rhymes are forced, and the adjectives were pretty bad. Fix it up with some free-verse and some re-wording and better adjectives. You could simply use a thesaurus, I mean, come on.
"but you made me catch the blues." You see, here's the thing with "Made me," It sounds immature and childish as well as the poor adjectives. Slap some re-wording on that!
But overall, this poem was cool! I enjoyed it.
-xJ ♥︎