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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Solar Draconic 5

by Oxara


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

(notice this is picking up on a very slightly edited version of the last chapter when it ended when Expodearmia had just let out a goat of flames, I only noticed I had edited it after writing this)

Roland skin seemed to weave in, and around the flame, giving him strength and power he hadn't felt in weeks. He laid there in a crippled bed, and with the strength he shared with Expodearmia, became once again the deadly dragon rider the world knew him as. He almost laughed at the difference his own flame had healed him versus Expodearmia flames.

When the flame did part ways, there was a horrified look on the guards and nurses who had accompanied Roland to the room. Despite his attempts not to, Roland burst out laughing. Roland jumped out of the bed, and jumped nearly ten feet in the air, onto Expodearmia front leg. The nurses gave a scowl. Roland gave a dismissive wave "As you can see, I am feeling much better. You may leave, and please, take the bed with you."

"Captain Roland, please do not be so eager."

"I have been stuck in that bed for weeks now, if you think you can keep me there any longer you are wrong. You all have much to learn about the dragon bodies, We don't need babysitting."

Expodearmia gave a snort, releasing a small amount of fire and smoke, in approval. The nurse gave roland one last disapproving look before turning to leave. Roland let his wings grow from his back, and shot off just hovering and staring at Expodearmia. Roland back was still sore, and his arm had a scar, although it was difficult to tell immediately. Roland wings shook a little, as he used muscles and joints long since neglected. Expodearmia practically licked Roland, almost like a dog would it's master.

"Please I was almost mortally wounded, the last thing I need is an overprotective dog."

Expodearmia, to Roland surprise, did not snort in disapprove, but instead just flew closer to Roland and nudged him with her nose, almost as if to reassure herself that he truly was he. Roland gave a simple grin and gave her a reassuring pat on her head. Roland then took a second to take a closer look around the room, it was much like Roland's and Expodearmia room on The Relentless. The room was filled with mountainous terrain, a few spires, for the dragon or dragons in this case, to curl around. The wall of each end had gold and platinum carving, pictures and decorating telling tales of dragons, and their riders.

"Enough looking at the scenery, are you going to ignore me for the entire time" Raduriel said, his dark green scales shining brightly in the room. When Roland had fought with him before, Raduriel greatest advantage was his size, being only five feet compared to Roland six. Even though Roland was faster, and more powerful than Raduriel, it was simply harder to hit Raduriel, than it was for Raduriel to hit him. Roland shook the thought from his head of the old times and embraced his old friend.

"I must say, I appreciate you saving me." Roland said

"Oh it looked like you had things pretty well handled to me, they were hanging only by their bare limits!" Raduriel said, with maybe a bit too much enthusiasm

"I appreciate that."

"It's true, you may have been on the defence most of the time, but their wounds were pretty serious, your were too of course, but nothing you had fatal, their wounds if left untreated however, well that would be a different story. Well at least the dragon wounds were."

"I must say I am very grateful to you, if you hadn't been my mock opponent, I never could have used their own speed and power against them like I did."

A mighty roar echoed a few meter's away, as a small dragon of dark green scales was flying toward Roland."

"Your awake." Pulsar Darth said, his voice practically at the lowest octave of human hearing.

Roland nodded

"Good, it would not have done for the only rider who could go against me to go down so easily." Pulrasdyrth sentence may have been teasing, but as always, he held a rather serious tone.

Roland bowed slightly to the dragon, after being with Expodearmia for so long, it was difficult not to notice how small Pulrasdyrth seemed compared to her, of course he relied much more on his speed, and more specifically his acid, to attack and even paralyze some opponents. These were the only two dragon's with any ability besides wind, that allied with the solar Federation.

"Captain Roland, please report to the commander's cabin immediately."

Expodearmia gave a sigh of protest, but he laid a hand on her side. She gave a slight nod, although Roland could hear her land and play with her claws, digging at the dirt. Roland reluctantly opened the door, and left the room.

Roland made quick time to the commander's cabin, upon entry the commander gave a slight bow to Roland.

"May I sit, sir." Roland asked

"Please, it is an honor to have you aboard the Phoenix." The commander said, who's Roland name was unfamiliar with

Roland sat in a seat, it was a rather small room, for the commander's cabin of a ship this size, maybe only thirty feet by thirty feet. Sparse for anything beside a bed and a small desk with a computer.

"Sir, if I may ask, why was I called here?" Roland asked

"I have called you, that you and Expodearmia, are to return to defence duty with Pulrasdyrth and Raduriel. If I can take it that both you and Expodearmia are feeling well enough." The commander responded

"Expodearmia I am sure is eager to spread her wings outside that room, as for me sir, may I be so bold as to ask a day before I go on duty."

"Very good, take two if you need it."

"No sir, the one will suffice, is that all?"

"I apologize, no, I have called you here, to inform you, we will be meeting up with The Relentless, In two weeks from now."

"I see, very good sir."

"That is all."

"I shall take my leave then." Roland said as he left the room.

Roland left the room and began his way back to Expodearmial. Roland hated the formality between dragon rider and commander, technically the dragon rider held the higher title, but on any matter relating to a ship the commander held higher power, so upon any interaction they both had to treat each other as if they were a senior officer to themselves, which leads to a lot of confusion. Roland was glad he had managed to form an informal relationship with his commander, at least when they were in private.


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Sun Jan 26, 2020 11:42 am
Panikos wrote a review...



Hey Ox! Happy Review Day!

I'm crazy about all things dragons, so this intrigued me. Even though I've come in to this story without any context, I'm interested in the relationship between dragons and their riders, especially as both seem to be equally intelligent and capable of complex speech. One thing I did struggle to grasp was whether Roland was human or not. He sits down, and you mention him having arms and hands and such, but you also say that he has wings. Is he some kind of hybrid? Or is he humanoid without being human? Why does he need to ride a dragon if he has wings of his own? Granted, I'd probably be able to answer these questions if I'd read the story from the first chapter, but it's always a good sign if a reader can follow the novel even when they read out-of-context snippets.

I agree with Blue about the extraneous information. If you asked me to summarise what the goals and intentions are within this chapter, I think I'd struggle a bit. Roland seems to have been injured, and now he's awake and healing again. He has a very by-the-numbers meeting with the commander. There's not a whole lot of forward momentum, which makes me wonder how much these scenes contribute to the overall plot. If Roland's meeting with the commander was more unusual, or had a bit of conflict in it, it would do wonders for the whole chapter. Maybe the commander could attempt to hold Roland back from another mission, even though he insists he's well enough. I don't know. You just need some kind of friction somewhere to give this chapter more drive and purpose.

The only other advice I'd give you pertains to your setting description. I feel like you only do it in fits and starts, as if to get it out of the way. There are a few points in this chapter where Roland looks around the room and notes what it looks like, but the description basically drops away for the rest of the scene. It's trickier to do, but try to interweave your description with the rest of the narrative. Think about where the characters are and what they're doing as they talk to each other. You mention that Pulsar Darth is flying towards Roland, but where are they in the physical space - are they weaving past stalactites, or coasting close to the ground? Where do they land? I often struggled to picture where your characters were in relation to each other, so don't be afraid to show how they interact with and move through the environment.

I hope this helps! I think there's an intriguing premise and base idea to this story, but this chapter just needs a bit more dynamism and should move the plot forwards more clearly. Make sure you focus on your setting and your characters' place within it, too.

Keep writing! :D

~Pan

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Sun Jan 26, 2020 1:12 am
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hey Ox!

I have two main thoughts on this as a first draft.

The first is about this exchange:

Expodearmia, to Roland surprise, did not snort in disapprove, but instead just flew closer to Roland and nudged him with her nose, almost as if to reassure herself that he truly was he. Roland gave a simple grin and gave her a reassuring pat on her head. Roland then took a second to take a closer look around the room, it was much like Roland's and Expodearmia room on The Relentless. The room was filled with mountainous terrain, a few spires, for the dragon or dragons in this case, to curl around. The wall of each end had gold and platinum carving, pictures and decorating telling tales of dragons, and their riders.

"Enough looking at the scenery, are you going to ignore me for the entire time" Raduriel said, his dark green scales shining brightly in the room. When Roland had fought with him before, Raduriel greatest advantage was his size, being only five feet compared to Roland six. Even though Roland was faster, and more powerful than Raduriel, it was simply harder to hit Raduriel, than it was for Raduriel to hit him. Roland shook the thought from his head of the old times and embraced his old friend.

"I must say, I appreciate you saving me." Roland said


Because both Roland and Raduriel start with R, I read the first line of dialogue (the first line of the second paragraph) as having been said by Roland. Then I wondered why I was hearing about someone named Raduriel. Even without that confusion, Raduriel seemed to come out of nowhere! As far as I knew, Roland and Expodearmial were alone together, and then suddenly Roland was talking to someone new. Something as simple as mentioned Raduriel appearing in the doorway (or wherever) in the first paragraph of this quote would help out. Or if you'd like Roland not to notice him until after he speaks, you could do something like this:

"Enough looking at the scenery. Are you going to ignore me for the entire time?"

Roland laughed; he hadn't seen Raduriel standing there.

"I must say, I appreciate you saving me," he said.


You can see that I also excluded the entire paragraph between those two lines of dialogue - but I think you include some extraneous information here. It seems like Raduriel appeared somewhere previously in the story, so don't we already have an idea of his height compared to Roland? Have we already seen them fight and the way Raduriel's shorter stature is an advantage? If so, there's no need to repeat it here. If not...I'm not sure I see why it's important to include this detail here.

This ties into my other main point, which is about extraneous information more generally. The conversation at the end of the scene is a short, simple conversation about Roland's next assignment (if I'm reading this right). It doesn't seem like something we need dramatized, unless Roland has some sort of important reaction to it. But he's just kind of like "okay, sounds good, just give me one more day before I go," which his commander grants.

Write on!





I have hated words and I have loved them, and I hope I have made them right.
— Markus Zusak, The Book Thief