z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

A fantasy Christmas

by Oxara


“Welcome again, to our three species conference, we would like to welcome the human representative, King John Henry the eighth. We would also like to extend our deepest welcome to the elven representative, the king Folas Vacaryn, and lastly the dwarven representative Rargir Aleaxe.” The half dwarf said, who had been elected as the leader for this Christmas celebration.

Orist Preithas, practically scoffed at the speech “They expect us to sit here with the humans who take our lands our forests, and with the dwarfs who made the tools that tear it down!”

“Hush,if they hear you it will not end well. Besides, it is a time to let prejudice go, and bring peace to the lands.” Esta Shamenor said

“They can’t kick me out I am the guardian of Folas Vacaryn, if they kick me out the elves will withdrawal. Besides Christmas is a human holiday not elven.” Orist shout back

“I am here to regulate you, be careful of what you say.” Esta said back

Orist went back to eating the salad that the festivities had set out, and he mumbled about the lack of meat

“They didn’t add meat to be respectful, humans and dwarves think we all refuse to eat meat.” Esta added lightly

“It’s only a subset of elves, beside those elves tend to stay deep within the forest any elves who do venture out enjoy meat, if it was properly laid to rest of course.” Orist said, now pushing his food aside and instead went to sharpen his blades under the table.

It must have been an hour or two before Folas at last joined Orist at the table, a smile on his face. Some of the humans here even call him the smile of the forest. Orist gave a curt nod as Folas sat down to which Folas just embraced Orist “No need for the formalities it is a celebration after all.”

Orist just gave a long sigh. Foals simply bumped Orist on the shoulder “look even the humans have modified their song as a sign of good faith, they have a verse in one of their famous songs about light hearts, which I am told is a reference to our elven heart, and even mention our yuletide. And it’s not just us, for the dwarfs over there they included on a verus on the golden days of yore. Hah golden days pits them perfectly no?” As if the dwarfs heard, the dwarfs burst out in a fit of laughter or perhaps it was grunts. Orist couldn’t tell the difference, it didn’t matter to him, as they were so long to his elven ears. The day blurred on, and before long everyone retired to bed, the elves returning to a set of trees with elven homes in them. Orist practically scoffed again, noticing how the trees grew in a planned out pattern, rather than how the wild would have saw fit “our homes here are manufactured like humans.”

Foals gave a sigh “look you don’t have to like the humans, or dwarfs, but for me at least pretend to alright?”

“Of course, your highness.” Orist said

Folas only rolled his eyes at the human term for their kings and retired to his house. Orist followed suit and returned to his own house. It was a small house made to be within a tree, a single room, a bed of vines and a work space with some paper and ink, and a balcony that leads outside. Orist turned to bed and with a quick motion began to go into the semi-conscious trace that is his sleep.

Orist awoke to a scream, or at least came out of his trace. When he had fully come to his senses, he saw a bit of smoke drifting into the upper ceiling of his room, to which he began to cough, before with a spoken word in elvish the air rushed out of the room, allowing him to sprint out of the balcony. He began to fall, nearly the entire length of the grown tree, but he landed safely on his graceful legs.

Orist quickly found the source of the smoke to be the house of Folas. Orist spoke a few words of elven, and with his magic and his legs managed to push off the ground and reach a low lying branch of the tree, he repeated this process multiple times, until he stood on the balcony. And to his surprise he found Foals lying down on the floor, and the floor surprising wet.

“Ah Orist my friend, would you mind blowing this smoke away for me.” Orist spoke a few elven words and helped Folas up. They both dropped down from the balcony, not bothering with the proper exist.

“What happened, who did this?” Orist asked, anger and concern written in his words.

“Relax Orist, a human mage,” Folas paused as a mage, who could have easily been mistaken for elven approached clad in what looked very similar to an elven scholar robe. It was pure white, and was well refined the silk and linen well refined, and had decorations which were eleven in make, but his ears were unmistakable, he was human. “Ah this is the human mage, he managed to spray the fire with water and the fire died down quite quickly.” As Folas finished the statement a dwarf who’s beard seemed to have caught fire during this incident came over and gave a nod and a handshake to folas. “Ah this is a dwarf who caused the smoke to at least abide a little bit with one of his inventions which I can not began to describe.”

“You mean to tell me that humans and dwarfs saved you?” Orist asked

“Yes.” Folas said simply

Orist turned to the human and dwarf “you have my thanks.” The human and dwarf gave a nod and politely excused themselves. “Oh and a merry Christmas to you two.” Orist said to them.


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109 Reviews


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Reviews: 109

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Sun Jan 26, 2020 7:42 pm
Gnomish wrote a review...



Hey there!

I really like the idea of this story! I think the names of everyone are super fitting to their race, and the prejudices that go along with them.

Like Elinor said, there are a lot of missing punctuation in here, which makes it a little difficult to read.

Hah golden days pits them perfectly no?

A little typo here, I think you mean fits not pits.

I especially like the ending, with Orist finally thanking the human and dwarf! Anyways, a nice little fantasy story, it was fun to read!
-Gnomish

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Wed Jan 08, 2020 10:14 pm
Elinor wrote a review...



Hi Oxara!

It wasn't what I expecting, but I was pleasantly surprised by this story as a whole, and I can definitely see how you were inspired by the song. I'm not sure if I can think of another fantasy Christmas story offhand, which makes this unique and interesting. I found myself wondering if this was a part of a larger story or universe. It definitely felt like there was a lot of world building that the reader doesn't notice as much in just this story. It reminded me a little bit of Game of Thrones in that way.

However, this story could have used a proofread. There were quite a few typos and other small grammatical errors that could have been easy fixes, instead they took me out of the story while I was reading it. I don't normally do this, but I thought I'd go through parts of your story to show you some of the thing I noticed.

“Welcome again, to our three species conference. [color="ff0000"].[/color]
We would like to welcome the human representative, King John Henry the [color="ff0000"]E[/color]ighth. We would also like to extend our deepest welcome to the [color="ff0000"]E[/color]lven representative, the [color="ff0000"]K[/color]ing Folas Vacaryn, and lastly the [color="ff0000"]D[/color]warven representative Rargir Aleaxe.” The half dwarf said, who had been elected as the leader for this Christmas celebration.


Capitalize a person's titles. I also don't know much about fantasy, but from what I understand grammatically races (like Elves/Dwarves/Orcs etc) function the same way as nationalities, and should also be capitalized.

“They can’t kick me out I am the guardian of Folas Vacaryn, if they kick me out the elves will withdrawal. Besides Christmas is a human holiday not elven.” Orist shout back

“I am here to regulate you, be careful of what you say.” Esta said back

Orist went back to eating the salad that the festivities had set out, and he mumbled about the lack of meat

“They didn’t add meat to be respectful, humans and dwarves think we all refuse to eat meat.” Esta added lightly


As this exchange continues, there are no proper dialogue tags or periods at ends of sentences. It makes your writing look sloppy. Dialogue should be formatted properly with tags. I'd recommend checking out this article for more.

I recommend going through the rest of your story and fixing the dialogue tags and punctuation, as that will spruce it up a lot. Overall I think this could be an interesting story, but I also wanted more know about what being at that party would actually be like. What are the sights, the sounds, the smells? I was able to envision it somewhat because of a basic familiarity with the fantasy genre, but I wanted this to stand out more than it did for me.

I hope this helps! Don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions.

Happy new year!

Elinor




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Fri Jan 03, 2020 12:28 pm
MadagascarMaiden wrote a review...



This is a really good version of a christmas party. I love how you used a fantasy world. I, personally, am a fan of fantasy. I like how Orist is shocked that a human and a dwarf saved Folas because he didn’t trust them. keep up the good work. And if you are planning to write a continuation of the story I would love to hear it.





It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
— Mark Twain