This is an exciting story! I really think it definitely has some great potential to be an engaging interesting piece.
I think as far as characters go, you have an interesting relationship here, but it could be better defined. For example, how are do your characters know each other? Is this a lord and his squire? A lord and his servant? A lord and his son? The eldest son and heir, or the younger son? Are they brothers? Ancelm constantly refers to Vanquelin as a "boy," which implies, at least to me, that they are lord and servant, yet they also have a deeply familiar relationship, as though they might be father-son or bothers. Vanquelin has also fought in battles, which implies he is somehow connected more personally to the nobility. Having more detail in this relationship would add another layer of depth to the character, which would make it even more engaging for the reader. It was nice as it was, but added depth would definitely make it better.
I also noticed that you changed persons part way through the story. You narrate the beginning in the third person, and then it switches to the first person, implied to be Vanquelin. Personally, I prefer third person for reading, but of course the one you do is up to you. However, there should be only one voice, either first, second, or third, without switching between them. The exception is that if a character is writing something in the first person and you are quoting exactly what the character is saying or writing, however, it's not clear that you're doing this so I'm assuming there was a change from third person to first person, and that's pretty confusing for the reader.
One other thing. The first sentence, "Lord Ancelm said his finely made cloak, held on by a gold pendant, swaying as his massive body moved," isn't very clear. I think you probably meant something like:
"Lord Ancelm said. Hs finely made cloak, held by a gold pendant, swayed as his massive body moved." Or something such as, "Lord Ancelm said, as his finely made cloak, held on by a gold pendant, swayed to the movement of his massive body."
It shifts from the person speaking to a description, and it also changes from the past to the present tense, which is confusing for the reader.
Overall, the biggest room for improvement that I can see is double checking the tenses and voices to make sure they're all the same (past or present, first or third, etc.), and adding more layers of depth to character relationships. You have a strong story and a great start. Keep it up!
Happy Writing,
Toboldlygo
Points: 11208
Reviews: 155
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