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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence Mature Content

The Lord's word

by Oxara


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.

“They are butchered , my lord.” Vauquelin said, as he pulled his black cloak tighter around him.

“Does war frighten you boy?” Lord Ancelm said his finely made cloak, held on by a gold pendant, swaying as his massive body moved. Ancelm could see the tension in Vauquelin face, practically smell the nerves.

Vauquelin shrugged, the cold wind blowing a bang form his face. He had been to many battles before, had felt his sword end another’s life. He had vomited in a nearby bush after the battle, at the nameless life he had took. When he looked back on it, had laughed at how hard the first death was, how it had turned his gut watery. He had not felt that fear, the recoil in his gut snice.

That was until now, where in the twilight forest he felt something watching him, waiting for him. Something was wrong with the murdered, legs torn off men, only to be found a few paces away. A newly forged axe of fine make left untouched. The far away looks of the murdered villagers. Vauquelin felt a shiver run down his spine.

“Are you cold boy,” Ancelm asked, his massive war horse slowly moving through the snow and trees, “Then hurry up.”

Vauquelin kicked his horse, barley larger than a travel horse, into a small gallop. Vauquelin narrowleded threaded their way through a thicket, that lead into a clearing. The clearing was wide, barely any trees within and where the men and woman had once laid dead. Where there was once a house, where people had made their lives. The finely-made axe that had speared into the tree in this clearing not even twenty minutes ago. The clearing was now empty.

Ancelm noticed Vauquelin paleness, the tightness around his mouth. There was something wrong here. Was it the war, that now caused the sinking of his gut? There was only the rustle of the leaves, the howl of wolves, the wind yet, Ancelm was still unnerved. Ancelm held his broad sword a little closer

“Come where is it.” Ancelm asked in a grunt.

“It was here, my lord.” Vauquelin stuttered.

Ancelm scanned the clearing, the forest. The smell of frost covered the dirt, the sap of trees.. The leaves rustled over head in the wind. He took his cloak, and pinned it around Vauquelin neck. The howl of a dying wolf sounded not too far away. “Come boy, let us ride back.”

Vauquelin moved to his stallion, and he laid his head against its neck, felt the soft fur of his companion. His hand at last relaxed form his sword and he grabbed for the saddle. He felt the muscles beneath the saddle, felt the muscles of his horse with his legs. Despite himself, he said a silent grateful prayer that he had his horse.

He heard from behind him, Ancelm pull his sword from his sleeve. He turned his head back to lord Ancelm, who stood pale as the snow on the ground, his sword in hand. The hilt had a small carving of a bear on the end, the crest of his family. He had never known the commander to act so before. He said a prayer to the gods and pulled his sword and rode up beside his lord. His lord eyed him and gave a grateful nod for his company.

The wind whistled, as a awful smell slowly filled the air, the smell of rotting things and death. Vauquelin knew the stories, had never believed them true. He knew the other’s could move on silent feet, but to move so that even the world did not recognize your presence. It was other-wordly. A figure emerged, wearing a black robe, it's eyes looked space place far away. A screeching sound echoed in the clearing as it drew a sword of white metal. The figure staggered forward, before swinging at Ancelm. Anelm brought his sword above his head, yet the sound of metal on metal did not sound. Instead, the sound of a low pitched noise, barley on the sound of hearing. It was as if someone had hit a gong. The figure swung again, Ancelm narrowed dodge. Ancelm fought the creatures for minutes, before he started to slow. The figure push ancelm to the ground, as ancelm had little energy to fight back.. The figure sword again and swung down, and this time Ancelm was too slow, and the blade pierced his skin.

My horse spooked, but I forced it to charge at the figure, my sword aimed figure. The other turned to me, in those glazed black eyes, and lazily moved to stab my horse. My blade connected first, as it landed directly in those far-away eyes. The sword shattered.

I closed my eyes and forced the horse to run form here, to leave my sword now it shambles. I leaned down and caressed it’s mane, even as I kicked its side to run faster. I said one last prayer for Ancelm


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155 Reviews


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Reviews: 155

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Tue Apr 30, 2019 7:40 pm
Toboldlygo wrote a review...



This is an exciting story! I really think it definitely has some great potential to be an engaging interesting piece.

I think as far as characters go, you have an interesting relationship here, but it could be better defined. For example, how are do your characters know each other? Is this a lord and his squire? A lord and his servant? A lord and his son? The eldest son and heir, or the younger son? Are they brothers? Ancelm constantly refers to Vanquelin as a "boy," which implies, at least to me, that they are lord and servant, yet they also have a deeply familiar relationship, as though they might be father-son or bothers. Vanquelin has also fought in battles, which implies he is somehow connected more personally to the nobility. Having more detail in this relationship would add another layer of depth to the character, which would make it even more engaging for the reader. It was nice as it was, but added depth would definitely make it better.

I also noticed that you changed persons part way through the story. You narrate the beginning in the third person, and then it switches to the first person, implied to be Vanquelin. Personally, I prefer third person for reading, but of course the one you do is up to you. However, there should be only one voice, either first, second, or third, without switching between them. The exception is that if a character is writing something in the first person and you are quoting exactly what the character is saying or writing, however, it's not clear that you're doing this so I'm assuming there was a change from third person to first person, and that's pretty confusing for the reader.

One other thing. The first sentence, "Lord Ancelm said his finely made cloak, held on by a gold pendant, swaying as his massive body moved," isn't very clear. I think you probably meant something like:

"Lord Ancelm said. Hs finely made cloak, held by a gold pendant, swayed as his massive body moved." Or something such as, "Lord Ancelm said, as his finely made cloak, held on by a gold pendant, swayed to the movement of his massive body."

It shifts from the person speaking to a description, and it also changes from the past to the present tense, which is confusing for the reader.

Overall, the biggest room for improvement that I can see is double checking the tenses and voices to make sure they're all the same (past or present, first or third, etc.), and adding more layers of depth to character relationships. You have a strong story and a great start. Keep it up!

Happy Writing,

Toboldlygo




Oxara says...


Firstly, thank you for your review. It helped me a lot!

So I didn't actually disclose this (because I wasn't sure if I wanted to write more) but I intended for this to be a prologue. So I wanted the focus to be more about an introduction to the world, while bringing suspense about what are the other's? It also (I hope at least) sets up the medieval(ish) setting. So the relationship between these two aren't really meant to be the focus (especially as I immediately kill Ancelm)
If I do continue this story the actual first chapter should focus more on setting up the character's and a bit of the world. (which I think I may try to see if I can do this for LMS, or I may try to do the truly impossible of doing this and another LMS.)

If you are curious, they are lord and squire. Basically I imagined that the patrol that they were on are between lord(s) and their squire(s).

Now for the voice: Yea not entirely sure what I was doing there, and not sure how I didn't catch it when I edited it to post. So I really appreciate you pointing it out.

Good news is, that now I have edited the voice out in a second draft of this prologue (as well as some grammar errors)



Toboldlygo says...


It's good, I hope you do write more! :)



Oxara says...


If you want me to tag you if I do let me know



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105 Reviews


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Tue Apr 30, 2019 5:16 pm
fatherfig wrote a review...



I loved your story it had a lot of intrigue and it was very fast paced. I will try to help you out my friend. First of all that was a really interesting read and I am not sure how there could be a doubt in your mind to whether or not it is a good story. I loved it, as I said it was really fast paced to the extent I think it would transgress well into a movie. I am being honest here I would watch it. I loved it though I did spot minor issue that could use an edit I will point those out to you now. If they were purposeful any of them please let me know. Oxara good luck, but I don't think you need it. Just breathe doll, okay? <3 :wink: You got this.






"Vauquelin narrowleded threaded their way through a thicket, that lead into a clearing. The clearing was wide, barely any trees within and where the men and woman had once laid dead."

Did you mean narrowly ?

"but to move so that even the world did not recognize your presence."

I believe you meant their instead of your and maybe a question mark.

"it's eyes looked space place far away. "

Did you mean looked into space as if at a place far away?

"The figure swung again, Ancelm narrowed dodge. Ancelm fought the creatures for minutes, before he started to slow. The figure push ancelm to the ground, as ancelm had little energy to fight back.."

Did you mean narrowly dodged? I think you meant pushed and you forgot capitalization on Ancelm.





I’ll paraphrase Thoreau here... Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness, give me truth.
— Christopher Johnson McCandless