India, a land of ancient tales and fables. The land that inspired Rudyard Kipling's Jungle Book and its cast of characters. Shere Khan, Hathi the elephant, the cheeky monkey tribe Bandar-Log and the savage Seonee wolf pack and probably the most loved of all... Baloo the Indian Sloth Bear.
Very little is known about these mythical creatures and this is the tale of the adventure of our bear, our Baloo on his very first epic Journey.
In the morning light of dawn that stretches across the vast Kamrana Jungle all the creatures of the day awaken and where the night demons rest their eyes and submerge their savage nature till night.
In the furthers of Baloo's cave there he lies in his favorite sleeping spot, groaning away a happy dream of raiding a ten foot termite mound cause he is not exactly Winnie the Pooh since sloth bears hardly eat honey and only do when they find it and it Kamrana that is likely but not for bears for the humans guard what is left of the beehives in the Jungle and will kill anyone or thing that gets near it so dreaming of honey is not exactly on his wish list.
Suddenly a Palm squirrel entered from the narrow mouth of the cave and scuttled towards the bear with great confidence and soon he was only a few feet away from Baloo and slowly he crept up to the massive animal...
He tugged on a few strands of fur on Baloo's back, he did not move, the squirrel then tugged again but harder and the bear groaned loudly. He edged back slightly and bravely started to climb the back towards the ear Baloo then groaned louder making the Palm squirrel pause in his tracks.
The little rodent then grabbed Baloo's ear and lifted it up slightly with its tiny paws and he put his mouth closer to the hairy ear and opened his mouth to speak and yelled
"Wake up Baloo" !
The bear woke with a sudden start and made him and the squirrel fall forwards, painfully on their faces.
Baloo groaned "come on it is only five o ' clock in the morning let me sleep for another few hours" he lay down to tried to sleep.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hey there, OwaisKhand!
I was very interested to see this, since I love Disney, and I don't think I've ever seen any "extra material" on Jungle Book or Baloo! I think it's a lovely idea to write more about them.
One thing that I paid attention to almost immediately that your sentences are overall pretty long. Most of the paragraphs consist of just one sentence, which is okay, but then there's the one beginning with "In the furthers of Baloo's cave", which is far too long to be just one sentence. I actually noticed myself not even concentrating on it properly because my eyes were just looking for the full stop, even a comma to balance the sentence a bit. So do pay attention to that!
Overall, you use punctuation and capitalisation correctly, which is good, but for some reason you kind of slip in the dialogue bits. It's kind of interesting, because most of the time it's correct, but then the dialogue lacks the rules. Perhaps you wrote them in a hurry, but remember that it's just as important to polish the dialogue like you do with the normal text. For example, the ending here should look more like this:
See what's different?
However, I like your idea and I think it's very sweet! Good luck with writing!
Demeter x
PFC Ulala reporting to review your piece!
"India, a land of ancient tales and fables." The comma should be changed to a colon.
"India, a land of ancient tales and fables. The land that inspired Rudyard Kipling's Jungle Book and its cast of characters." This should be merged into one sentence or altered slightly. "India: a land of ancient tales and fables, the land..." or "India: a land of ancient tales and fables. This country inspired Rudyard Kipling's..."
"Shere Khan, Hathi the elephant, the cheeky monkey tribe Bandar-Log and the savage Seonee wolf pack and probably the most loved of all... Baloo the Indian Sloth Bear." This sentence should begin with, "Among those characters are..." The ellipses between "all" and "Baloo" should be a colon.
"Very little is known about these mythical creatures and this is the tale of the adventure of our bear, our Baloo on his very first epic Journey." This sentence is pumped with errors. Firstly, these creatures are certainly not mythical. Omit the word. Omit the word "our" before "Baloo". "Journey" should not be capitalized. Are you SURE that the Jungle Book is about Baloo? I'm pretty sure that it's about Mowgli. Baloo is only a "helping" character to Mowgli. Accommodations should be made to this sentence.
"In the morning light of dawn..." Omit either "morning" or "...of dawn". The morning light is the light of dawn.
"In the morning light of dawn that stretches across the vast Kamrana Jungle all the creatures of the day awaken and where the night demons rest their eyes and submerge their savage nature till night." You need to add a comma in between "Jungle" and "all". Omit "where". "Submerge" is not properly used here.
"In the furthers of Baloo's cave there he lies in his favorite sleeping spot..." Replace "there" with a comma.
"...groaning away a happy dream of raiding a ten foot termite mound cause he is not exactly Winnie the Pooh since sloth bears hardly eat honey and only do when they find it and it Kamrana that is likely but not for bears for the humans guard what is left of the beehives in the Jungle and will kill anyone or thing that gets near it so dreaming of honey is not exactly on his wish list." This is one of the largest run-on sentences that I've ever seen.
I'll fix this one for you.
"...groaning away a happy dream of raiding a ten foot termite mound. He is not exactly Winnie the Pooh. Sloth bears hardly eat honey and only do when they find it. In Kamrana, that is likely, but not for bears. The humans guard what is left of the beehives in the Jungle and will kill anyone or anything that gets near it, so dreaming of honey is not exactly on his wish list."
"Suddenly a Palm squirrel..." "Palm" should not be capitalized.
"Suddenly a Palm squirrel entered from the narrow mouth of the cave and scuttled towards the bear with great confidence and soon he was only a few feet away from Baloo and slowly he crept up to the massive animal..." This is also a run-on sentence. Whenever the idea of the sentence changes, make a new sentence. Add a period after "confidence" and omit "and soon". Replace the ellipses with a period.
"The little rodent then grabbed Baloo's ear and lifted it up slightly with its tiny paws and he put his mouth closer to the hairy ear and opened his mouth to speak and yelled" This is another run-on. Omit "and yelled".
""Wake up Baloo" !" The exclamation mark should exist within the quotation marks.
"The bear woke with a sudden start and made him and the squirrel fall forwards, painfully on their faces." The comma is incorrectly place: omit it. The first "and" should be replaced with "which".
"Baloo groaned "come on it is only five o ' clock in the morning let me sleep for another few hours" he lay down to tried to sleep." There should be a period after "groaned". "Come" should be capitalized. Omit the space in between "o" and the apostrophe. Omit the "s" in "hours" and add a period immediately after. Capitalize "he" and change "lay" to "laid". You need to add "back" before "down": he was laying down before, so he's laying back down now.
Technically, this piece is a fanfiction. The first three paragraphs should be separate from the body of the story. Perhaps add a double-dash beneath them.