Published April 22, 2008
I'm not sure how I feel about it, when I read it out loud the repetition seems to work. Tell me what you think.
I could paint my lips red,
would you notice me then?
If I dyed my hair blonde,
would you finally want me?
I could get surgery done,
a little nip here, tuck there.
Would I be beautiful to you?
If I starved myself every day,
just to have that “top model bod.”
Would my anorexic form turn you on?
I could let my body suffer,
for the sake of your approval.
Would you love me after that?
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140,905 Literary Works • 673,714 Reviews
I like this OverEasy.
It flows great in my opinion...
But then again the others don't agree with me.
But, still in my opinion I like it! Alot!
Great, Awesome, Amazing!
~Lulu
That part is my favorite. The question fits a possible action the narrator could do. What I like most is how you chose "red" and then you put "notice" in the next line because we all know red is quite vibrant.
If I dyed my hair blonde,
would you finally want me?
I would add "a" before the comma and before tuck (added in red). It's a small piece of repetition but it makes a difference.
I would turn the period (in red) to a comma.
That comma isn't necessary so you can omit it.
Overall I like this piece a lot. Vernon is true--you're telling us everything--but that seems to be your style for this poem.
Well done and *clicks gold star* :]
Hope this helps
- Summerless
Tiff, this a too telling for my liking you a good not original, but sure ya can make it worth while read. My main problem with this is you've a ton of ideas, you don't really go into. Choose some ideas from it, explain them, show them. Give this an air of exellents.
Overall: Expand on this, and I'd gladly review again, once ya fix it.
Good luck
VSN
I think its trying to get a cross the fact that people only notice people when the suffer.
But it's very dark when I read it. But then again, I'm a very dark person.
Not my favorite, but its getting there.
A bit on the short side, and could use work.
I liked it. It somewhat shows the emotions of a girl who isn't noticed or accepted by the boy and/or crowd she wants to be with. I would suggest that you lengthen it, skip the questions, and really really potray the emotions of a desperate girl who isn't accepted by the hardcore society we live in today. I usually don't read poetry, because I don't like writing it myself, but this seems like a nice start. Keep revising it and posting it here for some suggestions. Also, of you English teacher encourages you to let him or her critique his students' works, I would suggest that you give it to him or her.
Good work! Keep posting revisions!
I like it. I just wish you had a bit more imagery/similes/metaphors/other tropes. It's a tad bit too straightforward for me. Also, I can't really tell your tone. Well, maybe at the end. But what are your feelings about painting your lips red, dying your hair, getting surgery? This might show exactly how ridiculous it is, or what legnths the narrator is willing to go through to get "Approval."
you know...i thought that this was quite good compared to other stuff i have read.
Wow. Rereading this I completely see what you guys mean. I will rewrite it, and see what I come up with. I might PM you and ask you to crit again (which you totally don't have to, obviously).
Thanks so much for the reviews!
I agree with Aedomir. That line doesn't flow as much. It is short too, as one person has said. Maybe lengthen it and separate it into stanzas. It might flow better. Nice poem, though. Good job and good luck!
~Jamie
Heya!
Alright, I just had one major drawback. I loved the idea, but I wasn't in touch with the emotion. I need to know how this person is feeling after all of these questions, and I don't think the end quite does it, although I respect it being such a short poem, and I wouldn't worry too much about that.
That said, I am also on bad terms with those rhythms. The questioned seemed fine, but the in-between lines felt very cramped in and a lot of syllables each:
I had to pause a re-read. Here, syllables aren't the key issue, but the flow. I would say:
a little tuck here,
a little tuck there.
So this increases the rhythm while drawing the eyes down and assisting the flow.
Not my favourite from you, but a good poem nonetheless.
But keep writing!
-Mark
I liked it because I could feel the emotion. The words really fit together well in the sentences. Great Job!
I think this perfectly illustrates the feelings and thoughts of a depressed and desperate girl. Maybe if you could add more to the end saying how she changed from that point of view and how she found someone who excepted her for who she was. But maybe that's not the point that you're getting at. But if that helps.....
I liked it.
Me at a certain point in my life.
-Ailam
Not my favorite. For one thing, I think it's way too short to get the idea across. You've got a lot of thoughts jammed into thirteen lines. If you edit this, stretch it out and give it stanzas, expand more on each idea.
Second, a lot of it is asking questions. Questions are boring to read in poetry. Try making statements more poetically. Again, a common rule of thumb, you want to show, not tell. Do more showing here and it'll improve. Imagery is your friend. ^_^ Keep writing!
~Yoyo