Young Writers Society

Locked at author's request

Just so everyone knows, this is an old version of a piece that I have edited very much. New Version

So...a take on how we try to imagine the worse when it does not even happen.Thats nice.

Frankly,it is true that we find a simple mistake might make people angry because that is how they would generally want to behave when you make a fault.As we so through your story,people are not as harsh as they seem.Or maybe,the main character is being way too serious,blowing possibilities of negative events way out of proportion.I suppose the story tells us to be more self critical.

I think we can learn to stop worrying too much through this story.

Good work.

The only grammar pointer I found was...

My boss glanced up from his computer. “Take to Jean, I think he handles all the keys.”

I like how it all starts, this is really cool...
I personally love how you talk to readers, how the character seem to be talking straight to the people who are reading this, I hope you'll continue, cause I'm already liking this beginning

The promised critique!

Well, I know you only wanted me to critique the second chapter, but I just wanted to touch upon this lightly before going there. Plus it's late, and this is all I have time for.

Anyways, my main problem is the first two sentences. No offense, but they stink. Awfully. Just ditch them and start with the third sentence – it makes a much better opener.

Other than that, just focus a bit more. Zoom in on what's happening. Yes, it's a simple mistake, so point out all the tiny little normality's. Let us see just how unimportant this is. Let there be a thousand other plates on the shelf exactly the same as the one she dropped. Let her boss not be put out whatsoever. Stress the fact that it's no big deal.

But more important than that, stress the fact that inside, she's freaking. Stop telling us this – we don't believe words as readily as actions. Show us! Even if she's cool as a cucumber, nobody can be forever. And maybe her smile wavers. Or her voice cracks. Or her fist falters before knocking on her boss' door. Whatever it is, show us.

Good introduction, OE. I'm intrigued.

PM me for anything, and feel free to take another spot now that I've done this one. I know you only wanted a critique on the second chapter, but I need to read these first two parts to understand, so you're still asking for a reading. I'm just super cautious 'cause I can be pulled down so easy, you know?

~JFW1415

Hey. I was looking for something to review, and this caught my attention. It's quite a nice piece of work. I enjoyed reading it, and I'll be going on to the next parts after this. I do have a few nit-picks, though. I'll get onto those now.

It had been an accident, of course.

An unintentional case of severe butter fingers,

I stared at the locker in shock, not the shock that came with some exciting event that had taken place. No, this was shock at my own stupidity.

The key to my locker was inside of my locker.

All things I was going to probably going to need after I got off work.

“Ray, if I accidentally locked my key to my locker inside of my locker, who would I speak to about that?”

All humor on the outside, that was me, but inside I was mentally destroying myself.

I ridiculed myself mercilessly for it.

“Thanks.” I smiled again, a fake cheesy smile that everyone around me knew me by.

‘Oh that Vanessa is so happy all the time, look at that smile.’

I talked to Jean, and the problem was fixed immediately.

I really enjoyed this wow i could so relate to your character and i think many can just beating ur self up sometimes for something that to others isnt such a big deal but to you it is..

It was easy; unlock locker with key, set key inside of locker, forget, close door, lock locker. I ridiculed myself mercilessly for it.

Very well then. You should use the name. *nods* However you think is what you should go with.

Wow you’re character sounds really disturbed, which I guess is the point? =)
I love how your opening paragraph is direct and to the point.
Your sentences are also nice and short which is something I’ve noticed in other author’s writing. It’s very effective because it eliminates any possible confusions.

Typo maybe?
“take to Jean” do you mean “talk to Jean” or “take it to Jean” ?

Really like this sentence
“It was easy; unlock locker with key, set key inside of locker, forget, close door, lock locker.”
Seems like there are two sides to her. One side (the practical one) is teaching the other one (stupid one) how to perform a simple task. This is a good way to describe her internal conflict.

One thing I don’t like though. Since this is the prologue it should really give your story a kick start. I don’t see where the story is going or what the main problems might be, especially since it is a romance. Maybe you could clarify that a little more.

I’m also iffy about the “when I was six years old…” because it sounds too much like you were verbally telling the story. It is too simple and you might lose your reader too soon.

Over all, your style and grammar is good. Your characters personality very intact, and the idea behind her actions is interesting.

[Edit]*giggles* I do address myself by my full name in my head.

[origional] I do address myself by my head in my name.

My beautiful OE. I hate suspense. You are going to post more of this... soon... right?

Isn't it just oh-so humorous?

I dropped a glass plate on the kitchen floor and watched it shatter, and [s]then [/s]simultaneously burst into tears

it’s not a big dealcomma” she said

I stared at the locker in shock, but or semi-colon? not the shock that came with some exciting event that had taken place.

I sighed heavily and trudged [s]my way [/s]to my boss’s office.

How could you be so freaking stupid, Vanessa Kay?
What the hell is wrong with you?
You’re disgusting.

The problem was [s]that[/s] comma it was a simple mistake

“Take to Jean, I think he handles all the keys.”

I smiled again, a fake cheesy smile that everyone [s]around me [/s]knew me by.

‘Oh that Vanessa is so happy all the timeperiod Look at that smile.’

I continued the self torment all day, torturing my own mind with harshcomma bitter insults.

I thought perhaps by making HER go into her bosses office, I was making it clear that she was in fact at work.

Also, the 'oh that Vanessa is so happy all the time, look at that smile.' line would be Vanessa, the MC, mocking the people that talk about her. I guess I should make that a little more clear.

And yes, her smile was cheeky, forced smiles are obvious. She has been faking smiles for so long, that they appear to be genuine.


Thanks for the reviews guys. I appreciate it ^.^

JUST A FEW NITPICKS:

“What the hell is wrong with you? You dropped a plate; it’s not a big deal.” She said

13 years later and I still take that mentality with me.

All things I was going to probably going to need after I got off work.

“Ray, if I accidentally locked my key to my locker inside if my locker, who would I speak to about that?” I asked with a cheeky grin.

“Tale to Jean, I think he handles all the keys.”

‘Oh that Vanessa is so happy all the time, look at that smile.’

Hello Oye! I have to say I really like this. It's a great way to begin something, but I do hope as this processes we see a little less internal dialogue, because it sort of takes away from the writing. As you most likely already know, show, don't tell your reader.

13 years later and I still take that mentality with me.

it seems like a pretty good start to something.
im not totally sure where you may be going with this but id love to see the rest.
theres only a couple of things i would fix :

the spacing between paragraphs is kind of awkward. you have like on or two sentences then huge spaces.

the dialogue is always supposed to be on their own line, but the way you have em seems to work out.

i think you may have to much internal dialougue at once with the way the character is chastising themself. and it also seems a little awkward that they would randomly start yelling at themselves like that. let us know why they have that mentallity.

overall its a pretty good piece and id love to see where you take it

I enjoyed this to. Shows the things she is dealing with in life and how such small things can affect a person. It could have been spread out more though, I find it was a bit rushed. Though one thing gets at me, how is this a romance?

Wow, short and sweet. I have a couple things to point out, but overall it's pretty good.

When I was six years old I dropped a glass plate on the kitchen floor and watched it shatter, and then simultaneously burst into tears.

My mother stared at me, blinking repeatedly. “What the hell is wrong with you? You dropped a plate; it’s not a big deal.”

All humor on the outside, that was me, but inside I was mentally destroying myself.

“Tale to Jean,

Over a simple mistake.