A Simple Mistake: Prologue (edited)

Authors Note: this is sort of a mix between Other Fiction and Romantic Fiction. There is a side note of romance, but the main story line is just simply about a girl becoming a woman. We'll just call it a coming of age a little late

And for those that want it Original

Isn’t it interesting how those little moments from your past will affect your future? How just one little instance will stick with you until you’re a grown adult, and for some reason, no matter how many years go by, you still dwell on them?

When I was six years old I dropped a glass plate on the kitchen floor, watched it shatter, and simultaneously burst into tears. It had been an accident, of course. An unintentional case of severe butter fingers, but my mind wouldn’t let me believe it.

Why did you do that?

Now it’s broken and it’s all your fault.

My mother stared at me, blinking repeatedly. “What the hell is wrong with you? You dropped a plate; it’s not a big deal,” she said, rolling her eyes and picking up the pieces of glass.

I sniffled a few times and dried my tears. Nothing was ever said about the broken plate again, but I always remembered that moment.

Thirteen years later and I still take that mentality with me, I have heard on numerous occasions by countless people that it’s no big deal; I am just being crazy.

They’re right, you know?

There is this overly dramatic state of being that has plagued me my whole life. People have always called me an attention whore, and it’s probable that they are right.

I stared at my locker, utterly dumbfounded, and then checked my pockets once more. No key. My head hit the metal with a thump and I closed my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose and trying to keep tears from welling up.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

The key to my locker was, naturally, inside of my locker. I thunked my head against the metal a few more times for good measure.

I sighed heavily and trudged to my boss’s office. “Ray, if—hypothetically, of course, I accidentally locked my key to my locker inside if my locker, who would I speak to about that?” I asked with a cheeky grin.

All humor on the outside, that was me, but inside I was mentally destroying myself.

What the hell is wrong with you?

How could you make such a moronic mistake?

You’re disgusting.

The problem was that it was a simple mistake. A little blunder that thousands of people had made before me and thousands would make after me. It was easy; unlock locker with key, set key inside of locker, forget, close door, lock locker. I ridiculed myself mercilessly for it.

My boss glanced up from his computer. “Talk to Jean. I think he handles all the keys.”

“Thanks.” I smiled again; a fake cheesy smile that everyone believed.

I talked to Jean, and the problem was fixed immediately. I should have let it drop right then, but I didn’t. I continued the self torment all day, torturing my own mind with harsh bitter insults.

Over a simple mistake.

I really like this. Though I was quite ambitious enough to go and examine the original, I can say with certainty that this is amazing.

“Ray, if—hypothetically, of course, I accidentally locked my key to my locker inside if my locker, who would I speak to about that?”

First off, I think you meant "of" not "if." But other then that, I really like this part. It's very cute and definitely cheeky as I believe you wanted it to be. Not only that, but it really reminds me of the way I have attendency to talk when I want to seem both cute and sarcastic, so I love it.

In terms of style and structure, this is very well pieced together and moves easily from childhood memory to present which is very good. Sentence structure is good too and I didn't notice any flaws. Not only that, but it gives an amazing look into the way your character thinks and feels, which is wonderful.

Props!

~lilymoore

All humor on the outside, that was me, but inside I was mentally destroying myself.

I really like this, I can't wait to read the rest!

Hi I thought this was a really good introduction! I can't see much that could be changed but if I am being really picky then there were a couple of things that I'll point out

How just one little instance will stick with you until you’re a grown adult, and for some reason, no matter how many years go by, you still dwell on them?

As in this part you are referring to 'one little instance', I'd maybe change 'you still dwell on them?' to 'you still dwell on it?' so that you are keeping to referring to that moment

Why did you do that?
Now it’s broken and it’s all your fault.

I think you could add another thought here, like how you have used three thoughts later on just to extend upon how she feels about herself. For instance 'Your such an Idiot.' or 'You're useless.' or something like that.

“What the hell is wrong with you? You dropped a plate; it’s not a big deal,” she said, rolling her eyes and picking up the pieces of glass.

I don't know whether you explain more about her mum in future and she's not that nice, but here I would expect a mother to be more sympathetic, perhaps comforting her. If not that sympathetic still maybe saying 'What's wrong dear?' or something like that instead of 'What the hell is wrong with you?' but I don't know her character so I could be all wrong here

pinching the bridge of my nose and trying to keep tears from welling up.

I'd maybe add 'the' before 'tears', I think the sentence flows better with it

I have heard on numerous occasions by countless people that it’s no big deal; I am just being crazy.

I think crazy might be a bit strong here, I'd think something more like 'over reacting' or 'making too big a deal out of things' would make more sense.

I sighed heavily and trudged to my boss’s office. “Ray, if—hypothetically, of course, I accidentally locked my key to my locker inside if my locker, who would I speak to about that?” I asked with a cheeky grin.

I'd add something between trudging to the office and changing her attitude to be all cheeky just to show the moment of change before she speaks- like maybe describing her composing her expression or something like that

I smiled again; a fake cheesy smile that everyone believed.

I'm not sure but maybe 'fake cheesy grin' would sound better here?

It was easy; unlock locker with key, set key inside of locker, forget, close door, lock locker. I ridiculed myself mercilessly for it.

I'd maybe add 'And yet' at the beginning of the second sentence or something like to show that even though it was a simple mistake she still ridiculed herself for it.

Overall: Like I said, I think this is a good beginning I think you have introduced the character and her issues with herself well and it was an interesting way to start

The only thing that I think could be shown better overall would be with when she talks to her boss, perhaps a bit more description on how he reacts and his appearance. I don't think much needs to be added though as it is quite short and I think you are just trying to get across how she feels about herself I think you could always add more to the physical things she feels, like her stomach twisting or her heart sinking or pulse rate or anything like that as there is a lot of focus on her thoughts but her body would be reacting to how she felt too.

That's all I could see, this is a great piece! All my comments are just suggestions, hope I've helped!

Her mothers cruelty travels into later chapters, I promise. This was sort of to show that her mother played a big part in her overall view of herself *nods*

(hope that comes through)

Hey,

I've made up my mind and decided to say something, even if it might seem a bit random - lockers are indeed evil, or, rather, locker keys are. Well-drawn-out character inspires empathy as I've been in the exact same situation, although I lost mine... somewhere. Never did find out where.

Anyway. Terrific piece, terrific portrayal of Vanessa Kay and her issues. There had better be more after what is already posted


Cheers,
Esme

Hey Tiff! June here

(Who reviews the chapter before the prologue, seriously? )


Let's have a look at this .

Thirteen years later and I still take that mentality with me, I have heard on numerous occasions by countless people that it’s no big deal; I am just being crazy.

I would switch that and with a comma, dear.



* - *

I keep getting stuck with thoughts here, and I don't know why.

Okay, so. This was immensely well written, dear, and I think you are off to a more than amazing start.

I like how your MCs personality shows clearly in this short piece, dear. The flashbacks and voices in her head let us understand her more than if you had just told us everything.

*is extremely stuck here*


So, I guess this leaves nothing else for me to do other than gold star and leave?

Terribly sorry for the lame quality of a review. Great job here!

Keep it up ^^

June