A Scoundrel's Heart: Chapter 1

(rated for swear words)

My fingers trembled, my eyes scanning nervously around the crowded streets, searching for the perfect target. I couldn't see my mom -only seen when she wanted to be, that woman - but the knowledge that she was there made my nerves even more agitated. I tried my best to remain casual, any sign of my anxiety would make me more noticeable in the hustle and bustle of the market place.

"Don't be seen, Coriander, you's small like me, with quick hands and fast legs, but dontcha get seen." My mothers voice echoed in my head.

Not being noticed when your every pore is on high and your excitement is making you sweat is harder than you'd think.

I grit my teeth, my jaw set in determination as my eyes skimmed the crowd . My fingers felt nimble-- as if they had done this a hundred times before.

"You's a hunter, Cora, gotta find the weakest most vulnerable of 'em all."

I was going to make my mother proud.

And then I saw it, a small leather pouch, attached to the waist of a man who was much too large for his plush velvet jacket. The purse sagged with the weight of it's owners wealth and I felt my eyes widened, my greedy tongue slipping out to lick my lips.

He was perfect.

I moved quickly, dodging my way through the legs of those much larger than myself maneuvering through the herd with a practiced ease. My mind remained focused-- my only thoughts centered around my prey. The sag of his purse and the roll of his belly over the waist of his soft leather pant were burned into my mind.

I flipped a small blade in my fingers, it was no longer than my forefinger, and it felt great in the palm of my hand. As if somehow it was just one more extension of myself, and once again I was struck with how I felt I'd done this before.

I reached him within seconds, my hands darting forward before my mind had the time to think. I sliced the purse away, licking my lips and reveling in the weight of it. I fell back, intending to meld into the crowd just as I felt fingers tightened around my wrist.

My eyes became larger than a giants platter and I gasped, wrenching my arm back, pulling myself a few feet away in the process as he lost his grip on me. My feet stumbled and I sent myself sprawling, the purse still clutched tightly in my fist. I scrambled to my feet and took off through the crowd, dodging every which way that I could-- just as I'd been taught. I could hear the thundering of footsteps and the bellows from Piggy behind me.

"Somebody catch that little shit! It's stolen my purse!" The fat man barked.

A pair of hands flew out, narrowly missing me as I swerved and rushed forward. My mind searching frantically for what to do next as I moved my way past the people, my bare feet slapping hard against the dirt path.

I felt someone seize me from behind and I yelped loudly as I was dragged backwards into an alley.

"This way!" My mother whispered urgently.

I stumbled, righting myself quickly as I paddled down the path after her, relief flooding through me as she lead me down another direction. Years of practice had made her much better at this than I was. The footsteps behind us had died, but we still ran. My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth as my mom pulled me along and I followed blindly, knowing that she would lead us to safety. I finally realized where we were as she pulled aside a barrel and pushed me through a whole in the wall of the storage room to our makeshift home. She followed me in and pulled the barrel shut behind her.

"I think we's lost 'em." She said, panting.

I collapsed down onto the straw bedding, smiling at the small leather sack in my palm that. I dumped the contents onto the floor, grinning widely at my success.

My mom paced angrily, her bare feet padding softly on the earth. We had pushed aside barrels of grain to make a little area for ourselves, the whole in the wall serving as the only door. There were no fires allowed, even though it was winter and the nights were brutally cold.

"A fire tells 'em that we's here, Cora."

In the corner of the room was a bucket of fresh water for drinking, and another bucket not to far away sat for waste. Two piles of straw and a blanket served as our beds. I wouldn't consider it comfortable living, but it wasn't the worst place we'd ever stayed.

I counted my treasure, clucking my tongue happily-- three rubies, fifteen gold pieces, and seven silvers. My tongue stuck out as I counted again, biting down on the precious gems to make sure they were quality merch, my feet swinging off the bed blissfully.

"I reckon you's proud of yerself, isn't ya?" Mom spit, kicking over an empty tin cup.

"Ma', look at all we got!" I gestured to the loot in front of me, my eyes pleading with her to see that it was all worth it.

She glared at me. "You was reckless, Cora. You was seen!"

"But ma'?! Rubies!" I grinned, holding up the three gems.

She shook her head. "Now we 'as gotta leave, thanks ter you."

"Ma', we don't gotta leave!" My smile faded, I didn't wan't have to try to find a new place.

She stormed over to me, bringing her foot down hard on mine. I recoiled in surprise, pulling my foot away from her and glaring.

"Yow! Wha' was tha' for?!"

"What's the rule?" She yelled, her eyes bulging, nostrils flaring dangerously. I'd never seen her so mad.

"Don't get seen." I replied solemly.

"And you got seen, Cora, you got seen real big! They'll 'ave yer picture up after this and it's not like we don' stand out a bit. They'll know it was one of us." She tsked at me, her mud-stained face held nothing but disappointment. "You was reckless, tried to go too big. Didn' I ever tell ya to pick small targets?"

"Yeah, ma', ya told me.” I rubbed the sole of my foot with nimble fingers and grumbled.

"But ya don' ever listen, do ya? Always gotta be dumb, dontcha?" She turned her back on me and pulled herself onto her own bed. I glared but kept my mouth shut. My stomach rumbled and I flopped back, deciding it better to not speak at risk of more yelling.

At least tomorrow we'd have a meal.

Maybe even a hot one.

Comments & reviews · 6
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User avatar
nativecatcher
Review

I really liked your story, it was very good. Although it would have been nice to get a good description of the characters, and as the other commenter put a better description of the surroundings. Overall I thought your story was interesting, and caught my attention because I have not really read anything like this before. You should continue your story I would definitely love to read more.

User avatar
Conrad Rice
Review

Hi there, Tiff. Finally getting around to this.

So, I have to say that I do like this story quite a bit. You have very strong characterization here. I can really get a feel for Cora and her mother. Very good job with that.

I felt that you could have given me a better sense of their surroundings. It wouldn't hurt to expand on the setting just a bit more. There is undoubtedly a world here, and I want a better glimpse at it than the one I got.

Other than that, very well done. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Oooh, I likes this.

My major criticism would be the discrepancy between the character's narrating voice and the character's actual speaking voice. Her narration sounds rather erudite and educated, while she actually speaks with a rather uneducated, butchered dialect. I really do like the voice you have in this story, it's just that it doesn't seem to mesh with the way the character really talks. It doesn't sound like how she would really be thinking in her head.

I'm not saying you should dumb it down, but perhaps it should be a bit simpler. The rhythm and word choice just seems out of sync with the character. She just sounds a bit too educated.

...Unless this is something you intended. In which case, ignore me. :D

All in all, though, I liked this. It's kind of a cool setting and interesting character. I'd like to see where it's going to go.

~GryphonFledgling

User avatar
OverEasy
Comment

Lol I really wouldn't name a boy Cora. But I'll see if I can make her gender more clear.

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fire_of_dawn
Review

Wurra, wurra, wurra! It's me, Fiery.

And then I saw it, a small leather pouch


And then I saw it:
This just works beter. If you're starting a list, a colon
is always better.

the waist of his pant


Pants. An easy mistake.

"This way!" My mother whispered urgently


Despite the exclamation mark, which usually ends a sentence,
dialog is considered one senentce. So it would be
"This way!" my mother whispered.

That's all the grammatical errors I found.
Like Elinor said, you could make it more clear
whether Cora is a boy or a girl.

User avatar
Elinor
Review
Elinor wrote a review · Wed Feb 03, 2010 2:35 pm

Hi Tiffany! How are you?

My fingers trembled, my eyes darting nervously around the crowded streets, searching for the perfect target.

This is kind of a run-on sentence, no? The commas only loosely string it together and it just feels wierd. Try to divide them up by changing "darting" to past tense, and either putting a period or an 'and' after trembled.

only seen when she wanted to be, that woman

The way you've wrote this doesn't make much since. I had to read it two times or so to figure out what you were saying, and I realized your problem. 'That woman' would do best before everything in this sentence, and then you can just add a 'was' after it. Or you could rewrite it along this fashion; "only see when she wanted to be. Ugh, that woman.' But, of course, do what you think is best.

but I tried my best to remain casual

Is casual really the proper word to describe this? Maybe "innocent" or "calm" would be better.

"Don't be seen, Coriander, you's small like me, with quick hands and fast legs, but dontcha get seen."

I would just like to say that I really like the name Coriander. Did you make it up? It's really pretty.

Not being noticed when your every pore is on high and your excitement is making you sweat is harder than you'd think.

So, what exactly are they going to? Commit a robbery, murder? And why? Try to make that clear in the opening paragraphs of the story, so we know what the main character is trying to accomplish so we can be more attached and know what to think.

Also, is Coriander a girl or a boy? You didn't really give any mention or hints as to what the gender is. At first, I thought Coriander was a boy, because of the name. But Cora seems more like a girls name, doesn't it? Gender is important and you should probably make that clear.

Now, those are just the nitpicks! On the positive side, you've created a very interesting story with quirky, three-dimensional characters. I like how you deliberatley misspelled words in the mothers dialogue to create a feel for how she would speak. I'm excited to continue reading about their story. PM me when next part is up, or if you have questions.



The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
— Marcel Proust