Young Writers Society

Hi again Otterpop!

First Impressions
This is a really good first chapter. It pulled me in right away and gave me a sense of what kind of story this was, who the main character was and what his abilities were. Blake seems to be a kid who’s a little bit more grown up than his peers, because he has to look after his mother, and maybe also because of his ability to communicate with the dead. The pacing of the opening scene in particular felt just right to me.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could through the hall, not intent on disturbing even the soft carpet beneath his bare feet.

"You were..." The girl paused and momentarily eyed an old watch on her left wrist. "Twenty-four seconds later than me."
"And you're weird."

"Mature....and experienced." Blake slowly nodded his head, his gaze briefly flicking over the group. "Sure, those are words you could use."

"Hey, that's kudos to you," said Amelia. "I wish I was a better organizer, and your survival skills are nothing to sneeze at."
"Give yourself more credit from time to time," Cameron piped, as he wrapped his arm around Blake's neck and shoulder. "Besides, Ames did just pay you a bunch of compliments."
Still Blake rolled his eyes, but in a somewhat playful manner.

"Five minute warning, guys," said Cameron, who ushered his companions with a simple wave of his hand. "We'll talk summer plans later, yeah?"

"Oh lay off." Amelia breathed out a quick puff of air. "Me and June cook, Cameron sets up camp, and Blake does everything else!"

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Hmm, this was a really intriguing piece right here...certainly a very interesting first chapter....there is quite a bit going on here...and lots of things for us readers to think about...which is all great to see at the start of a novel here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

He tiptoed as quietly as he could through the hall, not intent on disturbing even the soft carpet beneath his bare feet. Blake reached the kitchen before long, still quietly creeping on the smooth linoleum. He reached the fridge and opened it; the bag lunch he'd made the night before sat on one of the shelves. He pulled it out and made his way to the nearby kitchen table where a black backpack sat. Blake unzipped a pocket and set the lunchbox inside, then opened the larger pocket and checked the contents within.

Civil War notes, check. Health notes....crap, I forget to read that Mockingbird chapter.

But Blake shook his head; there wasn't time to worry about that. The door adjacent to the kitchen table practically screamed his name already. As did the shoes and socks sitting before him. He leaned down and put on the garments before reaching for the door and his pack.

Oh crap. Almost forgot.

He left the door and pack, and tiptoed back again down the hall. He reached the entrance to a room at the end and on the left, and very carefully pushed open the door. Blake heard a tiny creak but ignored it and opened the door halfway.

The room was dark, but the small bit of light behind him allowed a brief glimpse into the dim space. A woman lay on a bed, covered by gray bed sheets but no comforter. And she looked deep in slumber.

Blake turned his attention to the nightstand beside the bed. He spotted an alarm clock, a glass half-filled with water, and two little white pills, the latter of which Blake remembered setting there the night before. He frowned and looked back at the door, where his gaze fell downward. There was a sticky note, which he picked up and stuck back onto the door.

The note read, 'Don't forget your medicine this morning'.

He closed the door most the way and tiptoed back down the hall. After throwing his backpack over his shoulders, he gently twisted the knob and departed.

As soon as he closed the door behind him, Blake breathed in the soft morning air. Even for the early hours in May there was a slight breeze that tickled his face, and enough sunlight to easily burn away the light fog covering the ground. Blake set his hands in his pockets and walked down the sidewalk through his front yard.

"Hey, you."

Blake looked up before he heard the greeting. A girl his age, about thirteen years old, stood at the end of the pathway, carrying a backpack of her own. She had dark brown hair that stretched just past her shoulders and matching eyes that stared him down with a bright friendliness all their own.

"You're usually out earlier than me," she mused aloud. "Everything okay?"

He set a hand on the back of his hand. "I sorta forgot to check Mom's meds right away. No big deal."

June's wide eyes conveyed her surprise. "Whenever she doesn't feel great, that's always the first thing you check in the morning isn't it? Maybe I should be asking how you're doing."

"I haven't gotten a lot of sleep lately is all." Of course she would worry. The two of them were neighbors, close friends, after all. Still, he didn't want her concerning herself too much with his well-being.

"Have you tried, what's that stuff Dad mentions? Melatone?"

Blake raised an eyebrow as he stared at June. "Come again?"

"It's supposed to help with sleep," she answered, still deep in thought about it. "Anyways, apparently a lot of them are gummies, and I know how much you like gummies."

A smile crossed Blake's face and he realized he could not help it. "You know me too well. Thanks, June, but I don't think it's serious enough that I should get something for it. I'd rather let Mom save up for when she needs her meds."

"Then I guess I'll just have to pray for the both of you."

June gave Blake a playful nudge with her shoulder, but he knew she was half-serious about her own words. Prayer was a common thing amongst this community, given that the small town of Jordan Heights was a very Christian one. Blake wasn't very religious himself, and neither was his mother, but he respected the faith and beliefs of his fellow townsfolk.

That said, he liked to keep his own agnostic thoughts to himself.

Jordan Heights had a small population for a town, which meant that only one large elementary building was needed. Meanwhile the remaining junior high and high school grades combined into the single facility that was Jordan Heights Secondary. Blake enjoyed some of the classes and the teachers....but the students? Well, some of them were alright.

"June, Blake, over here!"

The voice was loud, shrill, and attracted the attention of some teens in the crowd. Blake followed June as she skipped towards the side of the crowd and approached a pair of pre-teens like them, a boy and a girl. The girl was the first to speak up.

Blake did not catch up to the duo until many seconds after June did. The girl, Amelia, was good friends with June; they'd known each other well for years. Amelia and Cameron were fraternal twins, and the same ages as Blake and June. This in turn made Blake and Cameron friends by default, but it wasn't as if they hated each other or anything.

"Well, let's hear it," Blake shouted during his approach. "What are your ideas so far, Amelia?"

The young teen raised her eyebrows, though she carried a huge smile on her face. "Didn't think you heard us just then."

"Your voices carry, you know." He pointed at Amelia. "Yours in particular."

The sister stuck out her tongue, but obliged with answering Blake's initial question. "Well, we should definitely spend a weekend camping, just the four of us. We've done it enough where we should be mature and experienced enough to handle a little camping on our own."

"Mature....and experienced." Blake slowly nodded his head, his gaze briefly flicking over the group. "Sure, those are words you could use."

"Oh lay off." Amelia breathed out a quick puff of air. "Me and June cook, Cameron sets up camp, and Blake does everything else!"

All three of them stared as they attempted comprehension of Amelia's words. Blake in particular tilted his head to one side while also glancing up at the sky with thoughtfulness. "Uh, everything else?"

"Figuring out hikes, starting campfires, organizing..."

"Suuuure......."

"Hey, that's kudos to you," said Amelia. "I wish I was a better organizer, and your survival skills are nothing to sneeze at."

"Give yourself more credit from time to time," Cameron piped, as he wrapped his arm around Blake's neck and shoulder. "Besides, Ames did just pay you a bunch of compliments."

Blake rolled his eyes, but in a somewhat playful manner.

"Well, I think it sounds fun." June clapped her hands together. "But, out of curiosity, what other ideas did you have?"

"You know that water park about 25 miles south?" Amelia inquired.

Blake and June both nodded, but it was the former that raised a question. "Isn't that place a little spendy?"

"I mean, sort of?" Amelia shrugged her shoulders. "But everybody's been saving money, right? We all get money from chores."

"Maybe we can save that for summer's end," June suggested.

"Which is why I suggested the lake," said Cameron.

"Reservoir."

"Okay, Miss Technical. It's pretty close, doesn't cost a thing. The south side gets really warm, but maybe we shouldn't go on the 4th of July......."

Blake's attention slowly drifted away, though not out of boredom. A strange sensation crept up his spine. He could feel the very hairs on his arms standing on end despite the coverage of a long-sleeved shirt. A chill coursed through his blood....and yet at the same time the feeling was still gentle and warm. He knew this sensation all too well.

However, he dare not mention any of this out loud.

A gentle electronic bell tolled away, catching the attention of all the students outside the school.

"Five minute warning, guys," said Cameron, who ushered his companions with a simple wave of his hand. "We'll talk summer plans later, yeah?"

The students began filing into the building, with the four friends near the rear of the crowd. But Blake had already slowed down, rapidly thinking. With subtlety, he reached behind his back and carefully undid one of the zippers on his backpack. As if to reposition, he leaned towards one side.

A few moments later the weight on his back lessened, and a few books and notebooks crashed on the sidewalk behind him.

Blake spun around and stopped. "Shoot." He glanced back at his friends. "Hold on, I gotta pick up my things. I'll meet you in class."

Cameron and Amelia took little notice of the incident through their own conversation, but June gave him a brief thumbs up before all three of them disappeared through the main school doors. While a few students still remained just outside the entrance, Blake now had enough room to quickly gather his things, and then creep backwards to a secluded corner of the building. He shoved his things into his backpack, and scanned the grounds intently.

"I know you're there," he called out. "You can stop hiding."

But no one appeared. No one peeked out from any corners, nor did they slink out of any shadows or hiding places. Blake once again felt that unusual warm chill from earlier, much more noticeable than before. He knew he'd been right, and so his voice grew quieter.

"I'm not going to hurt you."

They must have understood his words, because Blake suddenly looked just left, near the side of the school wall. No one stood there.

No one tangible, anyway.

While Blake didn't actually see anything himself, he could feel it. He never knew if it was a strange distortion, a tiny amalgamation of heat and electricity, or just something in the wind, but he sensed an invisible presence here. Based on what he felt, he could almost see the entity before him: a humanoid figure, a small male, clutching the school wall. Blake let out a sigh.

"Sorry, kid. Not sure how you went, but I hope you're not in pain anymore."

Just as he could not see the spectre, he could also not hear a voice. Blake could, though, sense the emotions coming off the spirit in waves. Literal waves. A small tightness came over his chest as though his lungs struggled for a breath of air. The discomfort was accompanied by a sense of cold, fear, and longing; the overall impression was easy enough to dissect, and Blake closed his eyes. He focused on the residual uncertainty and fear for a few moments longer.

"It was an accident. They couldn't have known." Blake looked around a bit, getting a feel for the directions. Finally, he pointed northeast. "You should go that way. You'll find it before long, I promise. And I bet if you wait you'll find your family there. You should be able to rest then."

Some of the fear subsided. The uncertainty too had faded a little, replaced by a slight but warm feeling of trust. Blake could feel some of the relaxation emanating from the spectre, and in mere moments the presence had vanished. No more weird feelings, no more strong emotions. As he rushed back into school, Blake pondered over the conversation earlier with his friends, and what just transpired now.

Maybe we ought to rethink that lake trip. I'll try to convince them.

I'm really interested in this creation you are working on and definitely want to read more of it! I really loved how you introduced Blake's ability to see ghosts! I didn't know what was going on, but boy was the confusion and intrigue worth the revelation!

A few nitpicks I'd like to point out:

For me at least, the very first paragraph was too long for an introduction paragraph. It kind of dragged on and it was hard for me to keep my interest at first.

The dialogue is great, but I find myself unable to really feel the characters of Amelia and Cameron. Blake and June are also kind of an enigma to me. This is coming from someone that finds it difficult to read people's emotions in real life and easily mistakes people's names for each other however. Show, don't tell, is some wise advice but I honestly think sometimes it takes both. Some people aren't good a reading details, or reading in between the lines...like me.

I think it would have been neat to establish exactly who the characters are personality wise using both descriptions and dialogue & actions? I don't know. Maybe it's intentional. Maybe I'm supposed to feel like a stranger among this town, slowly getting to know these characters...or maybe, less a stranger and more a ghost, WOoOoOoh~

I loved this though, really! Take my points with a grain of salt! Keep up the good work!

AHHH in your reply to my last review, it reminded me that I haven't even read the first chapter yet 0.0 TIME TO FIX THAT! haha :)

He tiptoed as quietly as he could through the hall, not intent on disturbing even the soft carpet beneath his bare feet. Blake reached the kitchen before long, still quietly creeping on the smooth linoleum.

Civil War notes, check. Health notes....crap, I forget to read that Mockingbird chapter.

He spotted an alarm clock, a glass half-filled with water, and two little white pills, the latter of which Blake remembered setting there the night before.

"And you're weird."

He knew this sensation all too well.

However, he dare not mention any of this out loud.

He shoved his things into his backpack, and scanned the grounds intently.

"I know you're there," he called out. "You can stop hiding."

Otterpop NovelStar is a scam, don't submit your things to them.

Hi Otterpop,

Mailice here with a short review!

You wrote a very nice and great first chapter. One falls immediately into this world when reading the first paragraph. You put a lot of effort into many things. I especially like how you try to give a lot of details in broad strokes and don't let the story get too bogged down.

I like the character of Blake very much, I think you already have a very good feeling about his personality and his characteristics through this chapter. I think you've done a good job with the others too, and it's easy to tell who's talking while you're reading the dialogue. You can clearly tell that they have a certain depth, and not just a one-sided page.

Your structure of the story has also turned out well. The division of paragraphs and the dialogue is well chosen and is very easy to read and follow.

I also like the way the story unfolds. Especially the way you describe everything at the end, I think you've succeeded very well. It was just a bit confusing at the beginning, and I had to read it a second time. Maybe you could add some smaller things to make it a bit more understandable for the reader.

Two blocks and a right turn later, Blake and June found themselves before a building. A school.

I like that the character of Blake is very relatable, forgetting things and not doing homework. June and Blake seem like really good friends, and you convey it well with the dialogue.

Some of the information is a little unnecessary, which I think that you could cut, like the description of the "boy-girl duos" which I don't really see come up later. The second-to-last paragraph feels a little awkward, it feels a little more telling rather than showing. I think that if you rewrote that paragraph, the chapter would have a better ending. You are really good at showing rather than telling, so I think that you could do that really well.

The way that Blake knows that the spectre is there is very intriguing. I am also very interested in finding out what happens to his mother.

Hello, and welcome to YWS! The supernatural tag caught my eye as I was looking through the Green Room, and I'm so glad I stopped by to read this.

This is a fun premise. I've always been a fan of the spooky and supernatural, but I don't think I've seen this take on communicating with spirits of the deceased before, so kudos there. To my understanding, Blake has been dealing with this pretty frequently, since he was able to assume the ghost's thoughts and troubles based on what he felt, and June seemed to know what was happening. You encorperated little details that paint a more clear picture of the whole situation very well, but there's still enough of mystery remaining that I'm held in suspense. The chapter ends a little strangely in my opinion, but it's hard to tell without the context of chapter two, so it's probably fine.

Your use of dialouge was very natural. I feel like I know all these characters in real life already, and could almost hear their voices as they chatted in front of the school. The four people we've been introduced to have great chemistry, which is hard to write. The formatting on this site a bit odd, so it's hard to tell if you put an extra space between lines of dialouge or not. If you did, I'm going to suggest against that, since it ended up looking strange.

The only thing that really needs improvement is your grammar and language use.

But Blake could sense the emotions coming off the spirit in waves.