When Cindy got to her floor, she bidden good-bye to Eddie and walked to find her office desk. She saw thousand people doing the same actions as yesterday. Most people, when they saw Cindy, grumbled under breath or smiled then returned to their main task; Cindy's task was to sell as much cable broadband to people who wanted and yet after every call, she hoped that one person will say "yes" to her begging need.
She found her seat and set her bag onto the floor next to her. Her neighbor Hannah, looked around her cubicle wall and sighed.
" You were almost late again, Cindy. Mr. Rayson almost pointed you and that would have been your final point until you were fired." Cindy rolled her eyes, typed in her password, and lead back in her chair.
" You know Hannah, it was my mother's fault this time."
" Really? How so?"
" Well, she picked out my clothes at such a slow rate, she told me to savor the taste of my breakfast, and wanted be to stay at the apartment to help her," Cindy lied as she returned back to her computer. Hannah sighed while returning her computer as well; Cindy knew Hannah fell for her lying, it worked most of time.
Later, Mr. Rayson walked past and noticed Cindy sitting at her desk.
" Miss Marrow! You are late.."
" Technically, I'm not sir."
" Were you here when I called everyone's name?"
" No."
" My point made. And speaking of points, that was your final point so pack up your stuff."
" But I'm here, aren't I?"
" Yes."
" So technically I'm not really late or absent. Sure, I missed the name calling part but I'm here, working hard to give the company money." Mr. Rayson gave Cindy a cold, hard look.
" This my warning to you, Miss Marrow; don't be late or else you're fired." Then he walked off, muttering under his breath.
Hannah came out from her cubical and pressed her lips together. " I hope you took his warning seriously, Cindy."
" Oh, I did. Besides, when will I be late again?"
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Eddie was glued to his computer, his eyes stung needing to blink. He read the numbers that were jumbled on his screen left to right, checking over to see if he missed any. When he was done with one row of these numbers, there was another row. Another row. Another row, etc. But at the end of the final row, Eddie blinked his pale blue eyes, yawned, and looked at the clock; 4:37 p.m, the work day was finally over.
He picked up his coat, put on his fedora, and handled his suitcase with on swift pickup then trudged away from the misery of reading numbers on his screen. He walked past his manager office just to tell him that he was leaving. Eddie knocked on the door and voice behind it said, " Come in."
Eddie poked his head in. " Hello, Mr. Tyler. I'm just telling you I'm leaving for the night."
Mr. Tyler nodded. " Thank you.."
" Eddie."
" I knew that."
" Bye, Mr. Tyler and have a great weekend." Eddie closed the door and hasty walked to the elevator.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Cindy stood outside the elevator doors, waiting for them to open. She looked up at the floors it was passing when it stopped on her floor; when she stepped in she heard a familiar tone.
" Hi." Cindy turned around to see Eddie standing there, grinning.
" Um.. Hi."
" How was your day?"
" Horrible. My boss almost counted me late because I wasn't there when he called names."
" That's not as bad as I reading over jumbled numbers, without blinking, and then you're boss forgetting your name when your his number one employee." Cindy nodded as she played with her watch on her arm.
" I hate working here."
" Whys that, Eddie?"
" The torture you with papers you can't even read; number you can't be missed; and work you can't catch up on!" Eddie exclaimed. The doors of the elevator snapped opened as Cindy and Eddie both stepped out. Eddie was about to walk away when he felt Cindy pulled on his coat.
" Hey I know we just met and all.. but do you want to get some coffee some time? I mean if you're busy or whatever.. You know what forget it," Cindy said as she let go of Eddie's coat but was pulled by Eddie's hand on her coat.
" Sure. Why not tomorrow at 2, Mickler's Coffee Shop?"
" Perfect." Cindy walked out of the office building, feeling stubborn and shy.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
I'd like to read more about Cindy's interactions with her friend Hannah as well as with her boss. Given that her workplace is one of the first scenes in your book, you should take the opportunity to describe it. Is it clean or messy? Do they have fluorescent lights or large windows? Is her boss bald? Does he always carry around a mug of coffee? Later on in the book, your readers are going to find these details to be annoying even though they can be really important in setting the tone. So, you want to start filling in those details early on when the reader is still trying to paint a picture of these characters in their mind.
If you haven't yet, I'd also suggest watching Officespace! It's a great comedy, and the workplace you've described so far sounds very much like the workplace in Officespace. It might give you some ideas.
There was also one thing that confused me: why is Cindy's mom picking out clothes for her? As she's an adult woman, this would seem to imply that she's very dependent and absolutely terrified of change. If that's what you're going for, great! But if that's unintended, then I'd make up another excuse for her being late (a stuck Subway train or a late bus are always great excuses).
Thanks! And I will be sure to add that! Actually, I got this idea from a show called The Office (instead without the paper selling part) but anyway, the review is a boost to my story.
Helloello Drums!
Happy Sunday to you; and I will take a peek at this chapter.
So, I noticed a few grammatical errors, but I'm sure you can fix those. Some verb forms and punctuation need to be worked on. So onto comments on your story here:
I think in your first chunk about Cindy, you have a lot of potential to describe her demeanor as well as the atmosphere and how it shapes her. A broadband sales person would be really great to work with and you have hints of some really good material here. Show us some nuances of her interactions with the boss and Hannah, try to develop her more as a character here. It'll be pretty cool.
The last line of Cindy's reply makes me think she might quite the job.. or that she's being super nice to the person she's talking to.
So, in the second chunk about Eddie, I would suggest you remove the 'etc'. I don't think etc is very appealing in narrative fiction, so you could always end with other items you might wan to include in the list. Ooh, he leaves at 4:37? Not 5? Interesting! It would also be cool to know a little more about his job, in the same way you could work on describing the atmosphere for Cindy.
Hmm, so the last chunk, I think is a good entry into what relationship they might be building. Now, I'm curious as to their circumstances of their previous meeting.
Overall, I think it would be great if you could work on developing your characters and focusing on their interactions, it would make for some pretty good story.
Good Luck!
-Lava
Thanks for the review! The first part of this story is Cindy and Eddie- First Chapter (Revise) if that helps in a sense! And thanks again for reviewing!