“What”
“YOU.ARE.DEAD, I mean you are no longer in the world as a living person” The girl repeated what she said, Oliver’s head was buzzing, he still couldn’t believe anything of it “If you still don’t believe it, follow me.” The girl then turned around and started walking in the other direction. He made up his mind to go with her before she walks any further, in hopes that at least it will lead to answers.
Surprisingly they came to a bus stop. Of all places, it had to be a bus stop? No one was there, only the two of them. The part that puzzled him was that he didn’t even know how they got there. One minute there were in his neighborhood, then the next they crossed over to another universe. Things were becoming less and less clearer at that point. Daisy told him to stay put and see what happens, if anything did happen.
A bus came finally after about several minutes of waiting, the two of them went inside the bus and was greeted warmly by the driver. He couldn’t help but stare at the driver, his eyes were white with the absence of pupils and irises and he had a huge cut in front of his neck, like they wanted to slit his throat but the blood refused to leak out.
Oliver immediately snapped back into reality and saw that Daisy has already taken her seat. He sat down next to her but he stared at the rest of the passengers. Some of them had cuts or bruises on different areas of their bodies, some had missing parts, and one even had broken limbs.
He didn’t say a word though, he didn’t know where this was going but something told him that Daisy could be trusted, despite the fact he only met her less than an hour ago. It was a long trip, he didn’t even know how long they have been on the road. He was tired but he couldn’t go to sleep for some reason.
The bus came to a halt and everyone got up from their seats. Both of them followed suit and got off the bus, the driver gave him a wink before driving away. Daisy started walking towards a stand that was selling newspapers. “So where is your proof?” Oliver asked as she picked up a fresh copy, and handed it to him. He hesitated but eventually took it, he flipped through it until he got to a particular headline that said “Newcomers pouring in on Limbo city”
He looked through the page and saw a list of over hundreds of people who were “Newcomers” to the place. He searched endlessly till he found his name as one of them. The list also stated out the person’s age, birthday and day of death. Oliver couldn’t contain himself, he tore the newspaper in frustration, rounded it into a ball and threw it away. He sat down on the bare concrete floor in dismay. So he was really gone? He doesn’t even know how it happened, or who could have done it. Daisy put a hand on his shoulder and calmed him.
“I guess now you accept it, huh?” Oliver shot a glance at her “Yeah, I guess so”
Three Months Later
It has been months since Oliver disappeared, nobody, even the police don’t know where he is. The police had investigated, interrogated and have done everything they needed to do. I often went to his house to check up on his parents. They are as worried as hell. They were exhausted and in turmoil, they didn’t know what to do.
Honestly speaking, you’d expect me, his best friend, to know where he was but I had no clue. The last time I saw him was about three months. School was over and he decided to stay back for a little while. He didn’t come home that day, or the other days that followed. The police figured that he was kidnapped but had no evidence to back up this statement.
School has been boring, nobody to keep her busy, no one to make her smile. It was just her and her alone. With Oliver gone, school moved at a snail’s pace. She was so happy when school was over but still very gloomy. As she was walking home she saw Oliver sitting on the park bench? Chatting with another girl?
“Oliver, is that you” He didn’t seem hear “OLIVER” Vera shouted, he turned in surprise. He was a ghost so nobody could see him, right? She ran up to the bench and started asking series of questions. Where were you? Are you okay? Who’s this? What the hell happened to you? And all that.
“Um it is a long and strange story” Oliver responded awkwardly “How strange” she asked. “Do you believe in ghosts?” Daisy suddenly piped up “Course not”
“Well you might wanna sit down for this..story”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,829 Reviews
Hello! Ley here, back again, to review this awesome piece for you! I'm using my fantasy themed review method today. I hope this review helps in more ways than one. Let's get into it!
A Journey Begins:
Yay! Chapter 2! In chapter 1, we learned that Oliver was indeed, dead. Now, I can't wait to dive into his life as a ghost, so let's get into the nitty gritty details!
Glimmers in The Gloom:
There were many great things about this chapter. For one, I really liked how you continued from the first chapter to the second. You picked up right where we left off, which helps with the organization of the plot of the story. We learned that there's a newspaper within the other side, which is pretty dang cool.
I'm speaking specifically about this part:
It seems like you've put a lot of thought and creativity into this story, so I applaud you for that!
Secondly, I really loved the time lapse. You're now introducing another character, if I read correctly. It was nice getting to know her, as someone who was close to Oliver. I wish we could've built up to this a little, though, as it does seem a bit rushed. I would've liked to know more about Oliver's transition a bit.
Magic Upgrades:
The tenses got mixed up here, try replacing it with this:
Since, from what I've seen from Chapter 1 and this chapter, your story is in past tense
The Final Enchantment:
Overall, I can't wait to read chapter 3! I hope to see you around :]
Thank you for taking time to read this review! I hope you have a lovely day <3
Thank you, i will take note of that
Hello there! Icy here for a quick review this evening!
I’ve not reviewed the first part of this, but I did go back and give it a quick read so I’m pretty sure I understand the context enough to review this part, but it was a skim read so apologies if I miss anything.
The first main point to make I think is that you need to start a new paragraph when a character starts speaking. This will make it much clearer for the reader in identifying who is speaking, and it means that you won’t always need to use dialogue tags so you can vary the structure of speech a bit. If you’ve got questions on writing dialogue YWS has some wonderful resources in our knowledge base and I’d be happy to link you to them!
The first part before the time jump was easy enough to follow and a sensible continuation of the first chapter. After the three months later though, I started to get confused. I couldn’t work out who the speaker was or who the other characters were. It’s like the narrative voice changed and I found that to be a bit disorienting. I think the best advice I can give is to slow it down a bit. I think you’ve got such a clear idea of where you want to get with the story but as the reader we need a bit of help to get there too and the best way I can think is to make things happen more slowly and in more detail to really help us buy into what’s going on.
Hope this helps!
Icy