Oliver jolted awake from his sleep, he knew he woke up from a nightmare but he couldn’t identify what it actually was. It felt like he was blind, he couldn’t see anything but he heard only some things. Even the sounds he heard, he couldn’t understand anything. He rubbed his eyes and went to the mirror, he was shocked to see his blood covered shirt (to be specific, it was the stomach region that was covered in blood)
Then he noticed another thing, everything was in black and white. Himself and the room, he couldn’t believe it. First he wakes up with bloody shirt and then now he is color blind. Oliver rushed to the bathroom, went to sink and washed his face immediately. He looked into the bathroom mirror “Didn’t work” he thought to himself “So washing my face didn’t do the trick, maybe the pinch test will work” so he pinched his wrist hard but he felt nothing. He checked the area he pinched but it had no mark to show that it was pinched.
So he was wide awake, but it doesn’t explain why his sudden color blindness and the fact his shirt was stained with blood. He raised his shirt up to check and to his horror, his stomach was covered in cuts and wounds. The unusual part was that the wounds were fresh and they didn’t hurt. Everything felt so unreal, what was happening to him?
He went out of the bathroom and tried to open his wardrobe but his hand went through the handle. Now things were becoming bewildering, Oliver tried to grip the handle but his fingers only went through them. Then he tried putting his hand on the wardrobe door but instead of touching the door, his entire door went through the wood and gone inside.
Now he knew something was wrong somewhere, he just broke the law of nature and he didn’t know how. Someone knows what’s going on, someone has to have answers to his problems. He ran downstairs and found nobody there, he went outside the front door. It was bright outside but nothing about the colorless environment changed. He saw a few people passing by, “Maybe they have the answers I need” He tried to talk to them but no one seemed to notice him.
His search for a solution ended in frustration, just when he started to lose hope he felt someone tap his shoulder. Oliver turned to see a girl with Asian features standing there “Hello” the girl greeted, Oliver tried to calm down despite his anxiety “Hello there, can you tell me what is going on” The girl stared at him blankly “You don’t know, do you?” Oliver was confused, don’t know what exactly? “Uh no” Then the girl informed “My name is Daisy and you are part of us” Oliver was getting tired at how vague the girl was “What happened? Why am I here?” The girl smiled an eerie kind of smile “You are here because you are dead”
Oliver stared at her wide-eyed “What"
End of chapter
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139,200 Literary Works • 672,505 Reviews
Hello fellow writer! Ley here to write a tortoise-y review on this amazing work you've published! This is a new review style that I'm using only for the month of June, in spirit of the Great Tortoise Race! Let's get started, 'shell' we? xD
Shell Start:
This is a super cool premise you have here. I loved the ending, how you left it so that within the next chapter we actually get some background into what's going on. I also enjoyed your descriptions in this piece!
Favorite Leaf:
Some of my favorite quotes and why:
Nice way to bring Oliver's internal thoughts into this chapter! The fact he knew something was wrong-- because of the black and white eyesight, the way he went through things like a ghost. I wonder what actually happened to him?
Of course, I absolutely loved this ending. You had me saying "wait what, he's dead?" I mean it makes sense, especially because of the blood, so I'm guessing it was a murder of some kind. Definitely wasn't an easy and painless death, that's for sure. I can't wait to see what happens!
Shell Fractures:
I have a few suggestions for this piece, mostly about sentence structure:
The repetition of the word 'pinch' and/or pinching read a bit weird to me. We know that he's trying to pinch himself, so I don't think it's necessary that it's repeated this many times.
I also think that the parenthesis aren't needed here. You could just state it like another sentence. And also, the period is missing at the end of this paragraph.
There really isn't much I would change, I think your word choices and your descriptions were absolutely lovely!
Overall:
I can't wait to see what Daisy means by 'you are here because you are dead'. You left us with a cliffhanger there! I hope to read more chapters of yours soon! <3
Thank you for taking the time to read this review! I hope to see you join the race, and keep being awesome! Happy Writing~
Hello there! I see you are new to YWS. My name is goodolnoah and I’ll be doing a brief review of your story. I’ll let you know what I liked, and maybe I can give you some recommendations to improve along the way!
Hello! ~ Writing Commentary
Overall, I think your writing strengths lie in the snappy way the descriptions are handled, it feels quite fast-paced and the tension is certainly there when we realize the predicament Oliver is in. The events that lead up to him discovering he is actually dead are well-written and have a good sense of pacing and horror to them!
Some recommendations…
I don’t have too many recommendations, overall, this first chapter was pretty good! I think if there was one thing I had to say it would be in regards to the way you write dialogue. Everyone seems to do it a little differently, and that’s okay!
Usually it is customary to start a new paragraph whenever a new line of dialogue is said. So, perhaps the last paragraph would look more like this.
The lack of periods or question marks for most of the talking segments lead me to not know the tone of voice that the characters are speaking in. While the descriptions help. It may be good to have these factors work in tandem with eachother so the reader has a better experience.
Of course, take or leave any of my recommendations!
Love and…Death ~ Story Commentary
This was a pretty short chapter, but it seems Oliver has died (via murder, possibly?)
He is confused at first, but eventually finds a girl who informs him of the grizzly truth. I wonder where things go from here!
Where Do Spirits Go? ~ Closer
Overall, this was a gripping first chapter. Looking forward to more if you continue to post!
Thanks for the review, i actually never planned to write the story because i thought it won't be interesting so i plotted it out as i wrote it. I will try and proofread the next chapter
I appreciate this, thank you
One2Three