The day is gone, its last rays bleeding wishes and whispers onto the land, its bright
Light burning away, the cool moon replacing it in a temporary forever,
Bathing the tilled grounf in eerie promises, the shadows it places never maning, never
Fading, for the night among the graves are one, and the souls one with the never-ending night.
The experience, the personalities, the dreams, all wishing, hoping
To be found again, to be loved again, but all its aspiring, all going,
All decaying, their souls withering into the soil, muttering words that emitted no sound.
Their pitiful moaning absorbed into the ground, its turmoil collected, which could do
Many wonderful miracles, grwoing the plant, withering away the ston, splitting even the earth in two
With its power, its power of mercy, of contradiction, spreading through the ground, it found
A variety og new seeds, creating existance in places where only decay was known before, allowing things to live
That had not been able to live before, its death and despair willing, wanting to give
An ounce, in fact, the last ounce of love and laughter, to open the beauty of nature's eyes,
Creating life and laughter in the shadows of mourning, erasing the sadness and emptiness, painted a dark blue,
And leaving behind the beautiful hue of earth, of nature, a small, subtle hint that everyone, even you
Will one day rest in the tilled grounnd, your emotions feeding nature, reminding all who lives, dies.
Slowly, once more, light fills the earth, covering the tombstones in a bright light, their shadows forming a cup,
A cup emptying out humanity's problems into nature, postponing all else until another sight of short eternity shows up.
~Hope you guys like this. I don't do poetry, this is my second time doing poetry ever, so please don't be too judgemental.
Also, this was a class project, so the words at the end of each line, the rhyming words...I couldn't pick those, that's why they sound weird.
Muahahaha, hello Vinc... or Aquestioning, as you were known then.
Am I going to heartlessly review a piece you wrote eight years ago?
AbsolutelyGotta hand it to you, mate; it's kinda awesome how you came up with something this good on your second attempt.
Bad boi, no diverting blame XD
Okay, so the first thing about this poem that really struck me was the imagery. It's glorious. Rich. And pretty powerful.
Oh, and the title is pretty cool as well. Fitting.
The next thing was the use of enjambments. You've utilized them pretty well, but I think that means you should avoid capitalising the first letter of each line, because they're technically in the middle of the sentence. I mean, punctuation and capitalisation in poetry are both pretty subjective.
There are also a handful of typos scattered around, like "grounf," "og," "grwoing," "ston,"etc. You might want to smoothen those out.
Eh? What were you trying to say? Did you mean, "meaning?"
I think you missed an "of" here?
Ooh, nice line here! Lovely imagery.
I really liked the sounds in this bit. There's a subtle beat to this. One might comment on how the sentence drags on a bit, but to me it was actually what made it so nice. I'm a sucker for long, rhythmic sentences.
HMM. Suitably mysterious ending. I get the feeling that there's some deep meaning here that's going right over my head. XD
The alliteration at the end was quite lovely, by the way.
Anyway! This poem is certainly well-written. I wish I could have told the Vinc of eight years ago that he had more talent than he gave himself credit for.
Have a great day!
~ Lee
oh gosh XD well I am glad you liked it!!
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Please note that writing about the grave is always an extremely delicate subject which one has to approach with great care lest one inadvertently causes a reader anguish by reminding him of a recently loved person who has passed on. I such cases glorification or a romantic description of the grave might com,e across as evidence of a callousness based on lack of actual experience of losing someone to death, or else of an inability to empathize with those who are bereaved and in a state of deep mourning.
For such persons no amount of poetical romanticizing the grave will evre divest it of the horror that it represents. In fact, even Jesus wept when he saw his friend Lazarus entombed that way. It is also biblically referred to as the enemy of mankind and as a voracious predator who is never satiated.
Good use of alliteration:
Good use of assonance in:
Suggestion
The following oxymorons only serve to confuse.
short eternity
temporary forever,
--
Always pass the composition through a spell-checker. Misspelled words are very distracting and give the impression of not caring.
A variety og new seeds . . . .
[A variety of new seeds . . . .]
. . . . the tilled grounnd, . . . .
. . . . the tilled grounf . . . .
reminding all who lives, dies.
[reminding all who live, also die.]
shadows it places never maning,
shadows it places never [waning,]
. . . . grwoing the plant, withering away the ston, . . . .
[. . . . growing the plant, withering away the stone, . . . . ]
A variety og new seeds, creating existance
[A variety of new seeds, creating existence . . . .]
. . . . too judgemental.
[. . . . too judgmental.]
The words “waning” and “fading” are redundant.
. . . . for the night among the graves are one, . . . .
[. . . . for the night among the graves is one, . . . . ]
Looking forward to reviewing more of your work.
Uber creepy!!!!
I love it! Espeacially this bit: their souls withering into the soil, it really started to paint the picture in my head of a grave, all lonely and destitute! I love it when someone writes something that I can clearly see in my head, it helps me connect with the piece so much more than if I was just plain reading it.
I hope you got top marks for this in class; you soo deserve it!!! Well done!!
Personally I like your use of imagery to put and depict in the mind of the reader vividly the idea of death.
'The day is gone, its last rays bleeding
wishes and whispers onto the land, its
bright.'
These lines are very deep and the symbolism there is loud and strong.
Generally the poem takes us through the process of death, decay and life after death with is depicted here with a new plant.
'Many wonderful miracles, grwoing the
plant, withering away the stone'
The poem is a good and easy one and I appreciate the use of simple and easy to understand words it makes your meanings sink in deeper, the only advice that I think might help you is, it would be better if you divided your works into paragraphs maybe one for death, one for decay and one for life that way it would be easier to follow a rhyme scheme
Heya there Aquestioning!! tsk tsk tsk.....errors I see *frowns*...nah just kidding,it happens to all.
This was really interesting and it used some very powerful language here that I really love to see.
There were quite a few errors yes,but I don't think the ending words are strange or ill-fitting at all!
In fact,I think that your poem had a really great flow to it,almost as if it wasn't really poetry,prose maybe.
Some parts seemed just a bit repetitive,as if you had a word limit or a line count so you just added things in....
Really nothing else I can nitpick on..good job! Skyexxx
I must point out only a few errors. The word sound and ground seem to be misspelled. Otherwise I quite like this ^_^ . That's all I really have to say. Also, I'm doing this from my phone so the review is kinda short. But I saw that you posted and jumped on it. Keep writing, Omnom!
~LP