I remember
the time
I held you in my arms, refusing to let
Go.
.
I remember
the time
We arrived at the hospital, hoping for the
Best.
.
I remember
the time
You said you would always love me, no matter where you
Were.
.
There used to be
a time
When we would laugh together, not caring for the world.
But there's an echo in my ears.
.
There used to be
a time
When I would tell you about my day, knowing you'd understand.
But there's no voice in my words.
.
There used to be
a time
When I told you I love you every day.
But there's a bruise on my heart.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello, Omnom! It's Vilnius here with a review.
My first impression is that this has something to do with someone close to you-- a grandparent, perhaps? There's just emotion written into this piece that is hard to do without thinking about some great heartbreak in one's life.
I think your poem would be a little better if you broke up the lines a little differently so there wasn't one word sitting alone in the first three stanzas.
Overall, I really like this poem. It was a good read, and I felt some emotions I haven't felt in a while.
Have a nice [*insert time of day here*] and have a nice #RevMo !!!
Hello Omni!!!
This is Eros here to review your sweet poem," A bruise on my heart". It is a really awesome poem with a deep and whole meaning. I was drowned in the beauty of your poem. The main theme is unique. I liked it very much. The poem has a beautiful, dramatic effect. I am very happy to see your unique way of expressing love and respect for your mother.
The most beautiful thing, which I see in your poem, is thatt the first three stanzas begins with the same line, and the last three with same line... It is very unique. Means, I mean to say that the first three stanzas begin with the line:~
"I remember"
And the last three stanzas begin with the line :~
"There used to be
a time"
And this very very unique.
And what else?? Omni, your poem and style of writing poetry has left me speechless!
I would now only say that,
Continue writing more new and beautiful stuff
Because we all love to read them.
Hey love <3 here as requested!
Okay, so we should start with the negative. It may just be me, but I felt like the flow was choppy for majority of this. I adore adore the message behind this, but the flow was just all over the place. Why? I think it's because of the random line breaks. For example:
and
I don't understand why you chose to break the line there. It's like I have to take a huge and deep breath before I say the last word, and therefore any connection I was feeling with the poem is gone. I highly suggest you consider combining some of those lines. I think it would make this stronger and overall so much better.
But other than that, this is really good. I'm not sure who the characters in this poem are meant to be -- mother and child? Friends? Lovers? But it doesn't matter because it makes this poem broad and something everyone can relate to. The message still was shown using clear examples and beautiful images. Overall, I thought this was a really good poem.
Hope that helps~
Well, I made it that way for a reason haha. I don't really know why I did that, but I did. I'm glad you like it!
Hey, Aquestioning! It's Stormsie here to review for ya per request!
By the way, for one who "sucks at poetry", you did a splendid job. You're just being too hard on yourself, AQ. 
-I think it's a personal preference concerning poetry formatting; some people want one thing while the author desires another. Here, I appreciate how you shattered the phrases into fragments, giving the poem an overall feel of someone breaking up emotionally. The only time I felt as if the pauses grew a bit strange and unnecessary was when you placed those irrelevant commas after "but" on the ending lines. Maybe you wanted a stop there, though.
-Next, the repetition of "time" ties everything nicely together and reminds the reader that people only exist in a temporal complex in which circumstances can shift suddenly and drastically. People change.
-Considering the fact that the title is "A Bruise on My Heart", shouldn't the ending be the same thing? Instead, you wrote "But, there's a bruise of my heart." I think you just accidentally put an 'f' in place of the 'n'.
-Lastly, I don't mind the vagueness of the poem because more people can relate to it this way! Readers can connect with their own personal stories and infer about what your work is exactly about.
Keep it up, AQ, and as always: Write on!
---Storm
Fixed, and I'm glad you liked it!
Hey Aquestioning!
A great poem you got there. I liked it. If I understood it correctly, it's about a boy or a girl losing his or her mom, right? Or the father. I don't know it, and that might be a problem; you might want to specify who you are talking about in this piece of writing.
This poem is a little choppy right now. What I mean by that is, look at this for an example :
[I remember
the time
You said you would always love me, no matter where you
Were.]
I think that this would read better if combined into more sentences. Check this out;
[I remember the time
The time that you said you would always love me;
No matter where you were.]
Reads more smoothly, right? But if you meant to create a special effect with that, it's great, because a lot of people might like that. Just keep in mind that it is disconnected right now.
Also, I'm pretty sure that you're supposed to capitalize every first letter in a verse.
[a time
where I told you I love you every day.]
should be
[A time
Where I told you I love you every day.]
Also, in here, it should be "When I told you I love you every day." not "where", because time is not a place. You have this mistake in the last three stanzas; check that out.
Otherwise, great writing! I enjoyed reading this sad poem.
Keep on writing, Mephis
Thanks for reviewing!