The grand city of Corvinas, capital of Brythalon was aglow tonight. The vast fabricated landscape burned like a thousand fireflies in the night sky, as a brilliant ship floated above the skyline. This was the night of the maiden voyage of the Leviathan.
Down in cityscape, on the Grand Pavilion was a group of people loitering around, idle but excited chatter emanating from them. They were waiting, some patiently, others… not so much, but they were all waiting on the same thing: Transportation to the Leviathan.
A small airship, as elegantly decorated as the behemoth above, landed onto the pavilion, and all chatter ceased. A wooden ramp fell down and a man in the same royal crimson robes that adorned the airship stepped down. He lifted an apparatus to his throat, which amplified his voice to echo across the courtyard.
“Greetings, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the grand voyage of The Leviathan, Brythalon’s newest flagship. Now, this ship is going to be the centerpiece for crucial negotiations that will affect every country present today. However, today is not about negotiations. Today is about celebration! Celebration of you, celebration of everyone here, and celebration of historic moments, the first of those being The Leviathan’s historic maiden voyage. Most of all, however, shall I say, is… welcome aboard!” The crowd cheered as he stepped aside. A set of guards in jet black and shining armor stepped forward with scrolls in their hands. The crowd dispersed into a few general lines, as the people closest to the airship started boarding with the approval of the guards. All was going smoothly for now, and the plan was to keep that going.
Within the crowd was a man, oblivious to most, and he was trying to keep it that way. He kept his head low and his brim pointed down. He edged his way through the thicket of people, shouldering and excusing himself silently and politely. His plan clothes allowed him to blend in with the people and his surroundings, but if any of the extravagantly clothes people he passed were to pay just a fraction of a mind to him, they would immediately realize he looked absurdly out of place by his mere want to blend in on normal terms. However, they were far too fixated on the spectacle above to pay attention to some nobody wanting to have a closer look at the airship. No doubt the guards would turn him away the moment he walked up the ramp. He wanted it that way. He hoped it would stay that way. He slipped a robed hand into a hidden pocket on his pants and fished out a weathered note. In hurried and scribbled and handwriting, it held only two words: Kiv Myar. While he was a Brythalon native, he knew more Myaran than most around him. It was a simple phrase that could mean a myriad of things. One of the most common meanings for it was: For Myar.
The night sky let in the cool, fresh air through the open window to the equally dark and dank room. The smoldering remains of a blazing fire emitted a soft glow that outlined the stone fireplace around it. A single lit candle on the nightstand was the only other source of light in the room around it. It was beyond twilight when the bricks on the far corner of the room hissed, a secret corridor opening. It was always this time of night.
He crumpled the paper and shoved it back in his pocket.
The gentle flow of the crowd shifted, then slowed to a halt. He froze, keeping his head low and remaining as inconspicuous as possible. The cause for the interruption became immediately apparent as the vessel closed its ramp and lifted off, upwards to its mother ship, The Leviathan. General commotion rose as people became impatient, more and more. The tension in the air felt thick around them, and he couldn’t blame the crowd. In fact, his own nervousness on getting caught melded with the general unpleasantness in the air. There was no mention of needing to wait to board like this. The man bristled. It should be no matter, he could hear his mentor saying, expect the unexpected. And so he moved, slithering and weaving through the crowd, muttering small apologies and excuses in the Highlands accent. Once he reached the outer fold of the crowd, he found his distraction in the form of cases of fireworks set to the side of the pavilion, no doubt intended for later use. He balled his concealed hand into a fist. A nearby lamppost was his target. The ground beneath it swelled, tipping it over and it fell, right next to the fireworks. The oil splashed all over the crates as it hit the bricked road. He turned around and blended back into the crowd, his work finished. He heard the whistle before he saw anything. He took this opportunity to advance through the crowd of people. At their most complex humans were still very simple, and his profession took full advantage of that.
When the candle extinguished, his eyes shot open. He was accustomed to that by now. He wasted no time putting on clothes, his mentor had seen him in his undergarments enough times it stopped bothering either of them, although he didn’t know if his mentor was ever bothered by his clothing, at least. What his mentor was bothered about was time. Time was crucial.
And so he re-lit the candle and entered the hidden chamber, the door sealing shut behind him as if nothing had happened.
With the distraction of the light show above, he soon found himself near the front of the makeshift lines. He was close enough to ensure his entry but not enough to draw the attention or suspicion of those who had been waiting.
The airship landed, with the applause of the crowd.
He finally reached the chamber of his mentor. It was dimly lit by a half-spent fire in the fireplace.
“Come here, boy,” said a raspy voice from a chair facing the fireplace.
He did as he was told, like he had been for so many years. He stood at the back of the chair. Without looking, his mentor lifted a bony hand and he accepted it with his own. There was a note in there, with only two words written on it.
As he approached the ramp, he noticed people starting to give him stares. He ignored them, but his nervousness rose. His training didn’t prepare him for what came next.
“Listen closely, boy. For this mission, you will not act as an assassin.”
The guard motioned at him. “Remove your hood, sir.”
He stopped. “Don’t you need my name?”
“Remove your hood, please.”
He held up a disarming hand. “I will remove my hood, yes, but why not ask for my name like those before me?”
The guard hesitated. “All right, what is your name, sir?”
“Not as an assassin?”
“First, you will act as the bastard prince you were born as.”
He removed his entire cloak, revealing the hunter green colors of Brythalon royalty. “I am Prince Corrick Malair.”
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AHHH HELLO!

Assassins and royalty?! And I FEEL like there was some sort of magic involved with the lamppost. Like, I am entirely sold on this.
I love how you tied the present with the past, giving a peek into the MC's interaction with his mentor while also showing the mission itself that they had discussed. It's a clever way to tie in more details about what's going on here, and I think it worked really well here. It was smooth, didn't feel jarring at all, and simply made sense as things progressed.
I was a little confused with the landing of the small airship, and then later it was said again that "the airship landed." I'm not sure what I missed, but it did confuse me. The light show must be from the fireworks/lamppost distraction, but I felt like there should have been more commotion involved with that or at least mention of authorities or emergency action. It seems dangerous for the crowd to be so close to fireworks!
This setup is just a whole lot of fun. I love this idea of an assassin prince with a complicated family history already. He's probably looked at with mixed feeligns if it's so significant to point out his bastardness, so that should be a fun obstacle for him to get around. Plus, the confidence of revealing his name and face by disposing his cloak was an impressive display for not only the crowd but the reader. This is a man on a mission, whatever particular mission that may be, and everything is going according to plan so far.
SO COOL. I'm just excited! I look forward to reading more of this. Best of luck in LMS!!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hiya, Omnom! I thought I'd drop in for a quick review.
I'm going to start with the critiques, just to get them out of the way. I'm not going to do much nitpicking because mellifera has covered a lot of that, so I'll try and just focus on general trends.
First, I want to talk about your description. For me, it ranges from the lovely to the overly vague. That second line about the landscape burning like fireflies was beautifully vivid, but some of your description tips too much into telling territory for my liking. Take these moments, for instance:
There are a few typos here and there, but the main issue with this is that a lot of the description is more surface level than specific. You're telling me that Corrick is blending in amongst an extravagant crowd, but I still don't have a real sense of how or why. What exactly is he wearing? Surely the best way to blend in among a lavishly-dressed crowd would be to dress lavishly yourself? It seems to me that hiding your face under a hood would only make people notice you more.
I just want a bit more substance to the claims you're making. Try and be a bit more specific - but still sparse - with your description of his outfit and how the members of the crowd are dressed. Glittering jewels winking in the light, shimmering silks, headdresses? What does everything smell like - is everyone laden with perfume? Just get a little more sensory. I feel like you're using a lot of words without necessarily telling us much.
Here would be another example. How does the nervousness feel? Does sweat spring onto his palms? Does his pulse hitch? Be specific.
That's probably the most pressing thing to work on, because I did find it a little hard to get into Corrick's POV at times. Another thing I'd mention that, while it's great that you haven't dumped loads of exposition on us, it's a little hard to feel the impact of Corrick's reveal when we have no real idea of the wider context. I don't really know who he is or why his presence is important, which means the climax felt a little flat for me. There's still intrigue, obviously, but it feels a little like giving us an answer before we've had time to ask the question.
'Start with action' is tricky advice to interpret, because it has to be the right sort of action. Sometimes when people start with action, they throw us into a situation that's full of drama, but it's hard to get invested in any of it, because we don't know the characters and have limited understanding of what's happening. While I did enjoy this chapter, I think this has fallen slightly prey to that trend. I almost wonder if there's an earlier point this story can start at - a scene that still has tension, but gives us a better opportunity to get to know Corrick. It would be especially good if we got to know Corrick in a way that didn't reveal the full extent of his identity, so that when he did reveal who he was, it would come as a genuine surprise, because we'd have already formed an impression of him. That's obviously just an idea, though.
Anyway, enough of the criticism. In terms of what I enjoyed about this piece, I am an absolute sucker for stories about renegade royals, bonus points if they're bastards or in disgrace in some way. I'd love to find out more about Corrick and how he's come to be in the position he's in. I also think that splitting between the flashbacks and the current scene was an effective technique, especially towards the end of the chapter, when you started flicking between them more and more. It gives it almost a film-like vibe.
I also like how deliberately Corrick was trying to build the tension up before he revealed himself. It made me laugh, and it also makes me think he's probably a bit of a drama queen, which is one of my favourite character types.
So, overall, a solid start. Try to be a bit more specific in your description, and maybe consider whether this is the best place for the story to begin. I still think you've established a fairly solid hook and I'd definitely be interested in reading more.
Keep writing!
~Pan
Hey Om! Here to review, as promised!
I'm ONE paragraph in and I'm already in love with your descriptions. You have a setting description and an introduction to the story and what's going on in three sentence and I adore that way you've put it all together.
(I'm a sucker for description so if it continues like this, you'll have me hooked the rest of the time haha)
I'd add a comma about "Grand Pavilion", because it doesn't blend into "was a group of people" since you started with an opening and then kind of side-tracked with the placement? I'd also separate "was a group of people loitering around. Idle, but excited chatter filled the air around them" ? That's kind of up to you, but I think it flows better if they were apart.
(also in the next sentence, I don't really feel that the ellipsis is necessary? It just doesn't feel like an impactful place for a pause, but honestly that's personal preference so feel free to ignore that!)
I'm really just? adoring that you throw us right into the plot without piling too much information at once. You really mastered the spreading of your worldbuilding out so it doesn't come all at once. You introduce the immediate goal of everyone in the Grand Pavilion (to get aboard the Leviathan), and hype up how exciting this event seems to be for the people experiencing it/around its vicinity.
Like, I know this is HOW a story is supposed to begin, but I just gotta commend you on how well you've pulled it off!
This is also giving me a little bit of titanic vibes? Not as in like, the movie (haven't seen it so doesn't count :p), but as in the story of building a really neat ship and lots of hype surrounding its first voyage and it being of important in the sense of technological advancement (as this crimson-robed man implies). I'm already really curious if this is going to be similar in any way, or if the ship's significance to the story is going something completely different.
"however" and "shall I say" seem kind of... redundant to me here? Idk, it sounds funny to me reading it and saying it out loud.
You described the people as a "group" in the beginning, but then switch it to a "crowd" later on. It's not bad since they are technically synonymous, but "group" makes me think of like... 15-20 people, whereas crowd feels a little more like 50ish or more? I don't think you have to go into specifics, but I wanted to let you know!
I'm not sure if you're trying to say he's unnoticed by most, or if he's oblivious to what's going on?
(I think you mean the former but I? think this could be written a little clearer)
I hope he's wearing a hat.
(also, I don't know the body language or anything about this society, but it seems more suspicious to try to look inconspicuous like this rather than blending in with everyone else)
is he using telepathy?
Does he have different outfits for all his different plans?
(I'm sorry but tbf it did come in the warnings that I'm like this)
This is a stupidly small nitpick, but "however" doesn't really... work here? You already open with if, not when anyone noticed his bland attire, so we know nobody has noticed his clothing yet.
Also, in terms of worldbuilding, what sets his clothing apart from everyone else's? Are robes similar to the crimson-robed man's considered fancy? I'm assuming they have different culture and dressing styles from us, so what makes his outfit more plain than anyone else's? What about class differences? Is nobody from a lower class that's boarding the Leviathan that wouldn't have access to fancier clothes?
SORRY TO DUMP THAT ALL ON YOU I'M CURIOUS
I'd switch "felt" to "was" so it's more showing and less telling!
The paragraphs when you're introducing us to the Inconspicuous Man, and then when you're describing the unease about needing to wait to board are pretty long? In some ways, it's tricky to review because I have to find my place every time I look away to write my thoughts. I wouldn't say it's clunky, necessarily, the way that I normally would about longer paragraphs, but I might consider breaking them up so they're not so long?
never heard "slither" as describing moving through a crowd but I'm sO here for it. 10/10 would slither through a crowd.
I know I mentioned the whole group/crowd thing before, and you're probably gonna go "stop contraDICTING YOURSELF" after you read this, but you do repeat crowd quite a bit. It's noticeable enough to distract from the story. I think it's a pretty easy fix though, honestly, if you rework the sentences a little? But I digress, that is for later in the process.
This is a long-winded sentence that doesn't really flow together? I'd break this one up so it doesn't go on for so long, but also because the sentence structure doesn't... work quite right?
("He wasted no time putting on clothes. His mentor had seen him in his undergarments enough times that it stopped bother either of them. He didn't even know if his mentor was ever bother by his clothing." or, you know, however you want to play around with it)
very insistent about giving his name. hm. suspicious.
oooh,,, oooooooh,,,, oh no I'm WEAK for bastard royalty characters,,,,, whatever will I do,,,,,,
Okay!!! ok!!! I love how you opened this AND how to ended it!! I'm officially Excited for where this story is going, so... expect lots of shouting because that's what you signed up for sorry I don't make the rules.
I like the little tidbits that you feed in the flashbacks and how you tie them into the present! I love when flashbacks are utilised in a way like this, or a way that really makes them relevant like this! It doesn't always happen like that, so I'm pleased to see that's how you've done it.
I think I expressed most of my overall thoughts in the body of my review, so I'll just close with how much I love the atmosphere you've set up as well. It's big, colourful, beautiful, and you weaved in the element of mystery surrounding Corrick and his mentor and what his goals and motivations are!
Otherwise, that's all I've got for you today! If you have any comments or questions, please let me know! I'm happy to discuss anything if you like
I hope you have a wonderful day, and Happy RevMo!
Ooooh! I like the way you used italics to flash-back to the moment leading up to this one to build suspense. And this is a really good hook!!! I'm really excited to see what happens next!!
tis pretty noice may8te