Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.
"What would you do if the world was ending?" Jyden leaned in, setting his vapor into the painted glass vase.
His "friend" sucked in a deep lungful of steamAir, eying him softly. "Me? I would probably have all the sex in the world, not caring where I did it or who I did it with."
Jyden chuckled. "Glad to know where your priorities are."
"Fine then," she scoffed, "what are your priorities? Tell me, O' Insightful One, what would you do if the world was ending?"
Jyden leaned back, closing his eyes. After a moment, he sighed. "I don't even know, honestly."
"Yeah right, there's gotta be something."
"No, no, I'm serious, Hoffa." He raised his hands in mock defeat. "I mean, if everyone else knows the world's ending, there's gonna be so much chaos going on, I would probably just stay out of the way and y'know-" he motioned, "just go with the floooow."
"You're such a nerd, oh my lord." Hoffa huffed on the steamAir and held the gas in for a few moments, looking to the lazy ceiling fan. "Why even ask such a thing, Jy?"
"I don't know." He ran his fingers through his long black locks. "This stuff just got me thinking, I guess." He stretched along the leather couch, allowing his bare body to fill the entirety of the worn skin. Folding his arms behind his head, he leaned on Hoffa. "Maybe it's not such a weird thought, Hoffa?"
She chuckled. "You do not pay me enough for this, Jy."
Jyden shrugged, grinning mischievously at the woman. "You still take the offer, though."
Smirkly softly, Hoffa unfastened the clasp on the back of her bra, letting it fall to the floor. "Your desires are... unique, to say the least." She jumped on top of him. "Are you ready, Mr. Gates?"
~*~
His vision came to slowly. Bright light flooded the circular room he had been in for the last two, three days now? Jyden couldn't remember anymore. He groaned and reached his hand to the round end-table next to the couch, fumbling for the remote that seemed to always be missing in the mornings.
Jyden turned over, shoving the silk cover off of his still bare body. In the middle of doing so, he must have over-estimated the length of the cough and toppled off the end onto the concrete floor with a sturdy thud.
He heard a distant "sounds like somebody's up" in the other room. He grunted a reply and heaved himself off the floor. "Why do you have to open the blinds every time, Hoffa?"
A laughed echoed. "Why do you always fall of the couch, Jyden?"
"Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh." He sauntered into the sundeck. Hoffa was on a virtual track, jogging along to Viridian Sunglance. Sweat glistened on her body, highlighting and enhancing her edges and curves. She tossed a glance at him and winked.
"G'morning, Jyden."
"Morning." Jyden drifted to the washroom, wincing as the pale light greeted him.
"You know, you really should start using the recovery room when you wake up. It's kind what it's there for."
"I like to feel the pain, Hoffa. Makes me feel alive." Jyden muttered hoarsely, the rough intake of vapor the night before scratching at his throat. He stepped into the small shower, letting the water burn his dark skin. He propped himself against the tiled wall and let the water flow off of the coiled muscles on his arms and back.
Tilting his head forward, he let the steam fill his hair, sweat rolling down his shoulders. The steamAir from the night before still faintly lined his lungs and scratched at his throat, causing his body to shiver at the effort of ejecting the toxins. He growled, letting his voice scratch at his throat soothingly.
His right arm throbbed suddenly and he collapsed onto the shower floor in a wet mess; the shower effortlessly transitioned into a faucet, slowly filling the concaved tub. Maybe he had smoked too much the night before. His brain still felt foggy even through the boiling shower's cleansing. He absentmindedly clenched and unclenched his fist, desperately trying to stop the pain.
Eventually, Jyden came to his senses and folded himself calmly in the water, supporting his back against the wall. There he lay for a moment. Or maybe it was more than a moment. The sudden pain flare and the steam muddled his mind, slowing his thoughts down to a mere trickle.
Okay. Breathe. Breathe. Breeeeaathe.
Through deep inhales and exhales, Jyden felt along his pained forearm, massaging the joints. Maybe he had caught something? Or he was just getting old. Arthritis hits in hard nowadays.
Jyden slowly opened his eyes through the pain, glancing down at his arm. He gasped in alarm and suddenly the pain flared up again. Coiled around his arm was an enormous dragon tattoo. The face and eyes rested on the wrist in a bright crimson, breathing fire onto his fingers. The thinly scaled body wrapped itself down his forearm, with large tendrils following to either side.
For a moment, Jyden said nothing, but he was sure his mouth was agape. Thoughts abandoned him like moths from a forgotten flame. He could feel his pulse quickening and blood rushed to his head, forcing spots in his vision.
What. The. Hell? Whatthehellwhatthehellwhatthehell? Jyden focused on those words instead of the seemingly alive tattoo now invading his arm. Steadying himself, Jyden stumbled out of the shower. He fumbled for a clean towel and leaned on the faux-marble sink. Steam from his shower fogged the mirror, but he could see still faintly see his outline.
His toned body was now shook and looked weak. His eyes had sunken into his sockets, creating stark shadows against skin. He focused on steadying his breathing while the mirror cleared.
The whirring of Hoffa's exercise machine ceased. "Are you finished with your shower, slowpoke?" Her slender figure graced the doorway, perspiration giving it a soft glow.
"The vape still getting to you?" She whispered softly, concern etching the corners of her eyes.
Jyden arched his brows. In the mirror, his arm was perfectly fine. No abhorrent tattoo covering every inch of his forearm. He looked down at his arm, just to make sure. Clear as day, the ruby eyes of this mythical being stared up at him calmly.
Rubbing the tattoo-covered arm absentmindedly, Jyden peered backed at Hoffa. "I'm fine. Just... getting used to normal life again. That was quite a trip we had together."
She smiled, wrapping her arms around him, both of their reflections staring back at them. Her paleness was even more pronounced when next to him. She grinned softly at his reflection. "I have to go now. You know the drill, Jy." With a small kiss on his cheek, she left the room.
He glanced down at his arm again. So he was the only one who could see this throbbing mark? Clenching and unclenching his fists to relieve some pressure, Jyden quickly dried himself off and put his clothes from before the night started back on.
"First things first," he mumbled to no one in particular, "I need to deal with this fucking pain."
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125,747 Literary Works • 672,933 Reviews
Well, per your suggestion, I've finally come to review your chapter, Omni! And at least I managed to commit itself to doing so in fairly short time, which, given my tendency for procrastination, is wonderful. XD
So, let's begin!
...Okay, this turned out to have more mature themes than I expecting. If I wasn't already used to them, I would probably be too young to read through this story. But, that's not the case, and I'm rather happy with the results. Great job! This seems like a solid, and incredibly well-written story, and it has that sense of professionalism and its own charms (such as the various incorporation of items that seem to be futuristic, or at least imply this isn't a world like Earth) that helps make this story truly shine. Frankly, there really isn't much I can see with respect to negatives - this chapter is vivid, imaginative, and the pacing is wonderful. You incorporate just the right amount of detail to capture each of the scenes clearly - as well as the Jyden's suddenly gaining a new tattoo that apparently he can only see (or, at least, the mirror cannot) - and allow me to easily visualize what is happen and who is where.
Too, the plot itself is fascinating. Jy's and Hoffa's relationship is...interesting, to say the least. They have a complex character dynamic that shows in their conversations, implying that Hoffa acts as a friend and companion, and certainly seems to come for more reasons than their nightly excursions. On the bright side, at least she seems decent and friendly enough. In the meantime, I'm impressed with how you develop Jy's character through his actions, words, and responses. He seems like a reasonable enough person who doesn't mind making a joke or two. And then, of course, he gets a massive tattoo across his arm (the descriptions of which, might I add, were awesome). That's perhaps my favorite part of the story - how you insert a clear sense of mystery and drama in this one, vividly crafted tattoo, and the surprises that come with it. I'm curious to see how Jy is going to handle the pain, and deal with his experiences in general.
So, yep, I love this novel so far! The only thing that I'd like to note is that I'm not quite sure what "the night started back on" is necessarily supposed to mean, as it seems a little random, but that's about it. I enjoyed reading the chapter from start to finish, and I admire all the small touches you made to make this chapter come alive, as well as the multitudes of questions that keep the audience reading and wanting to see more. I'm fascinated with the world of the story, the character dynamic, and what Jy is going to be doing next. Great job! Thanks for this well-composed, nicely-paced story!
Hey, I'm here to review.
Since the question is about something that might happen, I think it would be best to use present tense instead.
Ew. I mean, I totally get the temptation sex gives you, but to say you don't mind having it with anyone and anywhere... well. I guess the world really is ending at that time. >.> That being said, this dialogue shows the character of Jyden's friend.
The part about O' Insightful One is a bit sudden and pretentious, to be honest. I think the question can be done without it.
'smirking softly'.
From this, I assume Jyden's full name is Jyden Gates, or else, I'll think this is an inside joke or a reference of someone or something.
I'm pretty sure this one should have a 'him' after 'to'.
I think this needs a paraphrase.
Alright, so I've done reading this. I think it has an intriguing idea, about a tattoo only Jyden can see (obviously there's something more than that), and also about the pain. We've seen nothing sufficient about the former yet, just that it appears on Jyden's arm the day after his sex with Hoffa, and that no one can see it (even the mirror!) except him. That in itself is interesting, but I'm not sure what does it mean. But I guess that's how you try to bait the readers to read more.
What I think is lacking in this chapter is the relationship between Jyden and Hoffa. 'friend' is used to refer Hoffa, and that's vague without some explanation. Obviously, Jyden pays for Hoffa's service, but it seems like she's more than that. I would like to find out more about their relationship, and how exactly there's a payment involve in making sex. Hmm. I would also like to read more of Jyden's monologue to have a deeper understanding of his character.
Other than that, I would just like to suggest you to have a quick reread of your chapter. I notice 'couch' is spelled 'cough' somewhere in there, and also there's an error of using the tense in 'His toned body was now shook'. These are minor errors, but they can affect readability greatly.
And that is all! Keep up the good job!
PS: I wonder what happened to the other novel?
Hey Omni! C: I finally got myself over here!
This chapter has a very distinctive tone/atmosphere about it- which I absolutely love. Atmosphere is one of my most favourite things in writing, and you did a splendid job of creating it for us. I also liked your characters, and just how easy-going this first chapter was- despite everything that was going on, it really gave me a chance to sort of sit back and think about what was happening.
I agree with your first reviewer; I'm a little confused who the characters are, what the substance is they were smoking (I have a feeling it's not anything like what we have in our reality-- that was just the feeling I got from it, but perhaps it is a drug that's around. But if it's not, I would have liked to know a bit more about it... what it's side effects are, both good and bad, how hard it is to come by perhaps- basically the how people's body's normally react to it so that we can gage what's going on, and figure out if it's normal what he's experiencing. I get that you want to keep things mysterious, but when it's in the beginning of a novel, you have to give us enough so we want to know the rest- so that we're actually interested in the mystery. Right now we know that there's this guy who hired a prostitute (one that he seems to know fairly well), they smoked some drugs, did their thing, and then he woke up with a dragon tattoo. Who is this guy? Why do we care about his unknown tattoo that only he can see?- for all we know he's still tripping! Which is why telling us a tiny bit about the drug is incredibly important.
I'm not saying start out boring- because I absolutely love that this kept us moving, but just a bit more on who the MC is and what he's all about. All it has to be is a this is because of this dialogue in his thoughts. For an example he could think something like: Jyden worked in a cubical, so Hoffa was the most exciting part of his week. Kind of a bad example but oh well. That's just my thoughts! c:
This made me wonder: do they have SMART TUBS? and I find that a very exciting thought, I also find it creepy if the whole bathroom was like that. I never liked self-flushing toilets as a kid, and I think this all would just freak me out-- but the thought of a smart tub knowing what temperature you like... is pretty awesome. So thank you for causing my mind to get all excited about the possibilities! XD
I get that you're trying to make it sound like he's panicking, but I think it comes across more of a jumble of words rather than him panicking. It might have more of an effect if you separate each "what the hell" so it looks like "whatthehell, whatthehell, whatthehell", but that might just be the same thing.
Are you saying the dragon is moving and such? If so that is super cool and I really want to know more about this tattoo, but also, I fee like you might want to make it a little clearer that that's what you mean. Maybe the dragon blinks? Or a forked tongue keeps flicking out of it's mouth? There were a few times that what you were saying could have either been interpreted as the dragon being alive or simply being imagery. So if it is supposed to be "animated" for lack of a better word, maybe try giving us a little more obvious movement on the tattoo's part- maybe it glares at Hoffa or something?
The other thing I wanted to mention is we have no real idea where we are. Are we in Jyden's apartment? I know there's a couch and a shower and a work out machine- but what is the over all feel of the 'apartment'? What does Hoffa look like? We don't need super-long, detailed descriptions, but just an idea is nice so that we can build on the image.
Anyway, I enjoyed this! ^_^ If you write more, let me know- I'd love to read more!
-Socks
Thanks for reviewing holy <3
I definitely agree with the points you make. The reader is thrown into the world not knowing anything and not much else is revealed.
Like I said with the first reviewer I tend to do this on purpose so the reader only learns what I want them to learn, but I feel as if it is definitely a hard balance. I have a tendency to absolutely hate writers sharing information that isn't needed at that moment or isn't foreshadowing something, and I tend to share not enough, if that makes any sense.
I'll definitely work on building out the descriptions subtly when I revise this. Basically I threw this out because I didn't even know if I was gonna continue it, but I think I will. I will definitely get started on the second part of the first chapter soon!
You're welcome! <3
Yeah, I get that. I'm generally the writer that explains WAY too much! XD I'll look forward to the next part!
Hello, hello! My name is Gummy and I'm here to review this piece in particular! I'll try to keep this swift and deadly for both our sakes. With that said, let's begin the review.
According to the Review Sandwich formula, I'll start by pointing out a few aspects of this piece that I think shine the most brightly. In the case of this story, the most notable positive aspect in this piece is easily the dialogue. You can take away all the labels and context clues, but I could still tell who's who in this story. Now that I mention it, I'll give you extra points for making Hoffa the more dominant character while keeping this Jyden fellow in the submissive position, feeling satisfied with what life has already given him, including the painful effects of the tattoo.
As for the lesser aspects of the piece, the biggest sore thumb I could find was one or two misspelled words and phrases. Nothing that a little proofreading can't fix. Another thing that I find a little odd was the use of repeated characters. I find them a little annoying if the writer adds one too many letters to the phrase... I'm still okay with the "What the hell" line, since Jyden is in such pain that his mental stability is tested. Otherwise, if you're going to write something like this, I suggest you replace the repeated word to an equivalent action, such as yawning, snoring, or stretching.
In summary, I loved the unique dialogue and the complexity of the characters, but I'm not a big fan of the stretched-out words. That's pretty much it. I find this piece very interesting and I expect to read more from you in the near future. For now, though, I bid you adieu. Have a nice day!
~Gummy
Hey Omnom, this is Whitlinger.
Here's my take on a review.
I've got to say that the positives are really easy to point out. Your dialogue is near pitch perfect, something rare in writing forums. It's both smooth and clever, and it makes the story flow extra nicely and the characters seem really alive. The descriptions here are great, too. My favorite line:
"Her slender figure graced the doorway, perspiration giving it a soft glow."
The effect of Hoffa's perspiration on her appearance is a wonderful detail to point out. I personally love any imagery that involves lighting, because it's so beautiful to imagine.
Okay, here's a suggestion. I think that this story would kick off better with a little more exposition about who Jyden is, what place he's currently in, and maybe even what kind of world he lives in. Right now, I don't know much about the story, except that Jyden hired a prostitute and the characters use different technology. I feel like I'm reading a sequel rather than an intro. Don't get me wrong: it's good to jump right in and you don't always need exposition right away, but when the plot starts rolling (ie. the dragon tattoo part) before any real explanation about the characters and setting, the reader isn't ready yet to follow the journey of a protagonist they don't fully understand. So, I suggest that you can either add more info about the Five Ws before the mystery of the tattoo comes in, or prolong the shower scene until the next chapter.
Overall, this is a fantastically written first chapter, and I look forward to reading more.
Cheers,
Whitlinger
Thanks so much for reviewing this! I'm glad you enjoyed my dialogue and some imagery I had in the piece. I do try my hardest on dialogue because it really runs my story for me. I tend to actually speak my dialogue haha so that's probably what makes it believable.
About the exposition, I can definitely see where you're coming from. I like to envelope my readers in mystery though, and have them learn along the way, sometimes learning with the character. On that end, would you like to comment on how I did there? I feel like I could have added more of how Jydens daily life goes but this felt like an okay way to stop.
No problem, it was a pleasure reading this. Your dialogue works very well.
Regarding mystery, you did a nice job dropping hints about who Jyden is and his past in a way that isn't too forced, and I can see that you want to keep your readers guessing. I think my issue was there was a little too much mystery at once. There's a lot left ambiguous: what Jyden is doing in the room and how he ended up there, where he is, why he needs to get used to normal life again, why he needs a prostitute, what kind of world he lives in. And then there's the mystery of the tattoo. There just needs to be a little more info about the setting/protagonist to keep the reader grounded.
I'm rambling a little, so I want you to know that this isn't a major issue at all and could be easily tweaked. Honestly, it might just be my own personal preference, so it's up to you to decide. Good luck!