Two Men on a Bridge

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

I really liked the ambiguity of the story. It felt more like a short moment taken out of someone's life that they are not going to remember themselves. There was always this temporariness about the story as if we already knew that it would end abruptly without really giving us a chance to catch up. You have really managed to capture this moment between two friends and you have portrayed beautifully through you words and writing.

“So, it’s all gone wrong then.”

“Yep.”

I loved this beginning! Its very ambiguous and confusing and yet at the same time, very, very intriguing, as it hooks the reader at once to your story. You introduce the pace and the mood of the story rather perfectly through these two short statements from the characters. It conveys the casual energy of the story and sparks an interest in the reader. The nonchalance with which the character makes this observation makes for a rather deprecating start, and engages the reader's curiosity and interest along the way.

The two men, leaning casually over the railings, toyed drunkenly with empty beer bottles, taking a few imaginary swigs.

I think someone else already pointed out, but the entire paragraph following this sentence is rather clunky. Its like you have tried to fit too many adjectives and adverbs to set the scene when you really do not need to do that. What really sets this story apart is its unique randomness and simplicity. If you try to beautify the scene by making the sentences too wordy then it takes away the attention from the dialogue which I saw as the main highlight of this story.

On a side note, I really liked the fact that you maintained a degree of anonymity throughout the story. It made the characters feel like just another two random people in the crowd whom you would not notice otherwise. It put more emphasis on their dialogue than their actual characters. We were not much focused on exactly what went wrong in these two men's life, we just know that something did and then that was that. We were more engaged in the present moment, wanting to decipher their ramblings to gather a deeper meaning behind their confusing chorus of words.

“Yeah, so if I like, ran really fast, I could leave time.”

None of their ideas or conclusions make much sense, but it portrays the situation very realistically, because when you are drunk, you are not supposed to make sense. You captured that in a very humorous and insightful way. We can feel the deep sense of despair in the characters as they ponder about the possibility of changing time so that they can alter some wrong decisions they made in life that probably led them to that bridge in that moment. We can feel the hopeful anticipation in their ramblings; they know that what they are discussing would not make much sense without the influence of alcohol, but they still engage in it, maybe because of the momentary respite it brings.

“I’m going home.”

“You don’t have a home.”

“Oh yeah. OK then, I’m going to your home.”

Again, you convey deep feelings here in a very light-hearted and humorous manner. The shortness of the sentence 'you don't have a home', packs a serious punch as you realize the simple finality behind the words. They are delivered simply and clearly and the almost nonchalant reaction they invoke bring out a deeper reaction from you. It was like childish acceptance in the man, like he forgot for a moment that he was homeless and upon being reminded, he casually accepts it because he has no other option.

Overall, this was a great short story; I just feel there could have been more. It feels a little incomplete with the way it ended and I personally would have loved to read more.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!

I am going to slaughter this, not because I hate you because I love your dialogue. Seriously. It's to the point and doesn't pull any punches. It just is and that's the beautiful part of it all. It reminds me of Hemingway... yes, I am comparing you with him. So you have all this lovely lovely beautiful dialogue and it's so gorgeous that it HAS to have beautiful narrative behind it that blends seamlessly with the lovely dialogue.

Did I mention that I loved the dialogue?

So with that said, let's continue with the critique. If I am brutal then please remember that this is done out of love and not hate.

Ofour wrote:Chapter 1


“So, it’s all gone wrong then.”

“Yep.”

If you haven't figured it out yet, I love these lines. It really hooks me because first of all, you have conflict. I mean, in the first sentence you have the word "wrong" in it and it's said so casually that it's obvious that there is no denying that there is conflict and the character is stuck with something very real that, in the course of the story, will probably have to be overcome. And, because of this, the reader (me!) emphasizes with the characters at once without any angst. And I love this because this brings me in the story at once without any hitch. This is excellent writing, and an excellent beginning to boot. You should be proud of it.

The second speaker dropped the single word into the chasm of silence beneath the bridge with puncturing finality.

...this is where Hemingway leaves you and the emo darkness takes over.

I mean, really. From the beginning, it's obvious that something has happened and something BIG has happened, so you really really didn't need to emphasize it anymore. But, if you want to have it absolutely clear that the word sounded final, you don't have to say it in an 18 word emo sentence. Instead, you can say, "His voice sounded final."

But please consider deleting the sentence! From your first two beautiful lines, you already convey the shortness of it all because of the shortness of the sentences. You don't have to make it flowery because it is beautiful without being flowery.

“’S’all gone.” He continued, after a pause.

Grammatically incorrect. It should be "'S'all gone," he continued, after a pause. Also, you may consider revising the dialect here... it's hard to understand this as it is now.

The two men, leaning casually over the railings, toyed drunkenly with empty beer bottles, taking a few imaginary swigs. One stared out with grey eyes over the gentle ripples as they reflected the thin moon onto their faces. The other dribbled deliberately over the lip of the bridge, watching his spit globules make tiny splashes in the water.

Consider the amount of adverbs and adjectives in these sentences. They clutter up the story and make it more tedious than it needs to be. Because I'm mean and cruel, etc., I'm going to take out all these adjectives and see what we're left with! If it's good, it'll stand on its own.

The men, leaning over the railings, toyed with bottles, taking swigs. One stared out with eyes over the ripples as they reflected the moon onto their faces. The other dribbled over the lip of the bridge, watching his spit globules make splashes in the water.

Hahaha... that was mean. It sounds really weird in some places, but better in other. For instance, I like the absence of "deliberately" and "gentle." Other describing words make me flinch... it's weird without the "beer" in it.

Taking out several adjectives and adverbs does nothing in the long run though besides making your writing cleaner.

Instead of telling us what is happening, it would be better to show us the images in a more poetic manner. For one, you might want to consider deleting some of the description. Why is it necessary to know that they're taking "imaginary swigs?" I mean, I already know that they're drunk. How much does this need to be emphasized?

What I would like to know is what the bridge they're on is over. A lake? A sea? A river? A stream? What? This will help me imagine the scene.

And why can't the guy spit in the river? Isn't that a much more simple way of describing it? O_o

“You could always, like, go back or something.” The first suggested, wrenching himself from the endlessly entertaining task of dropping balls of saliva into the river.

I love the dialogue, but the narrative is biased. Now you're bashing your character because he's spitting in the river. (Yay! It's a river! How big? Anything special about this river?) So what? He's spitting in the river. He's doing something that makes sense to him, which is fine. You don't have to make fun of him by using the words "wrenching," "endlessly," and "entertaining" to make it clear that you think what he's doing is stupid, in your opinion. We don't care about your opinion -- we care about your story. Don't get in the way of who your characters are and just make sure you portray them honestly.

“What? Going around in time, and just, sort of, doing it again?”

“Yeah, kinda like that.”

Neither fully understood what the other was talking about. It didn’t matter. After another pause the first carried on with his new, appealing idea.

“Yeah, time is like a line, or something. You could sort of move away from it and wait for the right bit to come beneath you, then drop back in.”

It began to rain, hard. Neither of them noticed.

“But how would you do that?” queried the second.

“I dunno.”

They both pondered amidst the pounding droplets. The first man realised that his beer bottle now actually contained some liquid and gulped it down.

“Perhaps you could, maybe, supposedly, like, possibly...um?”

“Hypothetically?” ventured the second speaker.

“Yeah, hypothetically, suppose you perhaps could leave the line by just jumping really high. Not by jumping up, but by going faster than the line was moving. That would mean you was no longer part of the line because it was going at a speed that didn’t change, or something?”

Now it's starting to sound like a story. Mind you, the dialogue doesn't make much sense, but they're drunk, so it's understandable.

Completely baffled, the grey-eyed man discontinued staring across the ripples and gave his friend a drunken, surprised face. His friend, the first speaker, thought it an expression of wondrous realisation, and was encouraged.

OMG. NO. DO NOT USE NEWSPEAK.

I mean, if you were George Orwell and writing for 1984, then I can see its place, but you are writing a short story that does NOT have any mention of Big Brother. So no.

He did not "discontinue" staring. He STOPPED.

*breathes in*

Okay, with that said, I would probably delete the adjective "drunken" so to make it leaner, since it's quite obvious he's drunk by now. And I would probably make the friend smile or something because he's said something good, just to involve more action in the story.

“Yeah, so if I like, ran really fast, I could leave time.” The first man further explained his point by making an exaggerated running motion, tripping, hitting the floor, then pulling himself lazily upright, using the railings as a lever.

Hmmm...

“Yeah, so if I like, ran really fast, I could leave time.” The first man [s]further explained his point by making[/s] smiled and made(?) an exaggerated running motion, tripping, hitting the floor, then pulling himself lazily upright, using the railings as a lever.

Maybe? In any case, you're very close to goobledygoop for the struck out part.

Still baffled, the second man took the effort to voice his opinion through more than just a facial expression.

Eh... I would probably have the second man just squint dubiously at the first man. You're showing off your bias too much here. Just write the story.

“Pile of crap.”

“Yeah, probably.”

The rain began to thin, prompting one of the two to think for a moment.

“I’m freezing.”

“Me too.”

“I’m going home.”

“You don’t have a home.”

“Oh yeah. OK then, I’m going to your home.”

“Sure, whatever.”

Um... just a comment. "OK" should be written as "Okay."

Both staggering under the other’s weight, the two enebriates negotiated a hazardous, but relatively straight, course to the first man’s home.

Enebriates? Come on. You've called them men for the whole story. Call them men again.

I must say, I was a little disappointed about the ending. Nothing seemed to happen. They were drunk, perhaps too drunk to do anything special, which is understandable, but there really seems no point to it. And I know, it's a first chapter and therefore you can't connect all the ideas with everything you laid out for the ending, but even a little conclusion would be lovely.

Try to do something circular. You start off with a conflict which, though unknown, is something that grips the reader straight off. Then go easily into it, like you have and, at the ending, reveal something that hints of the beginning conflict more so as to keep the reader's interest alive and make the reader ready for the next chapter. Because at the moment, it just dies. You need more conflict to hold it through. Pretend that this is a short story (because Chapter 1 really has to be more of a short story than anything to hook the reader in.) Make sure that there's a conclusion.

Anyway, love the dialogue, the story certainly appears interesting, and I hope this helps!

It began to rain, hard.

I don't know if that comma is really needed, unless you want to give it more impact, but I think the sentence following that does the job well enough.

The rain began to thin, prompting one of the second to think for a moment.

One of the second?

Anyway, I liked it. It's interesting what you could hypothecially believe when you're drunk... haha. It said chapter one at the top, but it seems more like a prologue than a first chapter to me. Either way, there must be more, right? It's a good start, but it certainly can't stand alone.