My mother never seemed to understand
That you can’t pause a game while you’re online.
But who really cares about winning a game
When I get a text and it shows your name?
.
I’ve lost my high score and my rep.
And I’ve lost more than just one bet.
All this cause my mind is focused on you,
It’s even worth it being called a noob.
.
I feel like a camper only waiting for you,
My joystick is steady and my aim is true.
I am ready to hit you with my very best shot,
But you took my heart, and it felt like a headshot.
.
You don’t even like me,
I don’t think I can cope.
I feel like I’ve been hit
With a 360 no-scope.
.
You wasted me, and the game went on.
Good thing I just have to “press X to respawn.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
I really loved this poem, because I've been exactly where you are. My boyfriend and I met through online gaming (though we did more roleplaying) and he got me into actual video gaming about three years ago. After that, we had three years of long distance relationship, and I can absolutely relate- who cares about zombies, I got a text from you!
ANYWAY, lemme do some actual reviewing reviewing. I loved the message of the poem, but at times the words felt a bit static. This might be against what your gut (and most other reviewers) would tell you, but don't worry so much about the rhyme scheme, just let it flow. People tell you rhymes are everything, and they are good, but it's cool to switch up from
A
B
A
C or
A
B
A
B
And just let it free flow a little more.
Things I liked!
"You don’t even like me,
I don’t think I can cope.
I feel like I’ve been hit
With a 360 no-scope."
Oh my lord that phrase is hilarious. I realize it's supposed to be sad and honestly, I am truly sorry, but it's making me crack up also. I hope that was the intention and I'm not just a jerk! Such is the way of the 360 no-scope.
"My mother never seemed to understand
That you can’t pause a game while you’re online."
Is this just a thing with all moms? like, "NO MOM I CAN'T TURN IT OFF RIGHT NOW THIS IS NOT A PAUSING/SAVING/POINT WHERE I CAN TURN IT OFF."
"BUT DINNER IS RIGHT NOW"
"BUT MY TEAM NEEDS ME!"
Anyway, I loved the poem, I thought it was very clever and original, and also short and sweet and cute. I might send it to my boyfriend. It was really sweet. 11/10 GOTY.
Glorious PC Master Race 4Lyfe.
Ingrid
Thank you Ingrid. This was mostly for humor, so don't feel bad for laughing about it, that's what it is meant for. I'm really glad you liked this, and thanks a lot for the review!
nice
This is pure creativeness.
Hey!
Although I like these lines, I feel like they need to go. Shot is used twice to rhyme with itself. Maybe put something else. Although I like both lines, maybe put them in different places.This is really funny!
The only thing is that the rhyme scheme is there in some places but not in others.
I also really like the "puns" you added in there that a gamer would say. That was a very good element to add. Are you the gamer that has found love...sort of?
I also have a few nit-picks/questions:
Also, I like your writing style. Great job! This is short but to the point, nonetheless.
Here, I think it would look better with quotation marks only around the 'x'. Not the whole thing.
Also, I don't exactly understand the last line because it is sort of contradicting the rest. Like, the rest seems real [like a real person has captures the gamers' heart] while the last line makes it seem like it was the game the person was actually in love with. Maybe it's only me. You don't have to change anything, though, mind you, it's just my opinion. You can choose to heed it or ignore it.
Anyways, I watch PewDiePie and was watching a funny video about FalconLover and his comments and it said "360 no-scope". I found it hilarious that I read this poem in the voice PewDiePie did when he was reading FalconLover's comments. Just because I saw the word[s][?] 306 no-scope. XD
Good job! This was funny and very well written. Good first piece! Also, a warm welcome to YWS!
Keep writing!,
~Tiff
Hey, thanks for the review and the welcome! I am, in fact, not a gamer myself, so I am not the "I" in the poem. I put the whole "press X to respawn" in quotation marks because it tells you that in some shooting games, such as Halo. But anyway, thanks for the review!
Ok! Well, I mean, I got that. Anyway, welcome!
Hi there, Odd!
Take out "just" because it messes up the meter a bit.I read this, and I thought, that was cute. I play video games myself, though not the kind of games mentioned in this poem, and I felt the struggle of connecting to people outside of the game while playing the game. I also thought it was cute that the narrator would lose the game for this other person they're texting.
The first stanza sets up the subject quite nicely. I like that the mother is mentioned because it gives us an idea about the age of the narrator. So most likely, this is an intense crush because of the age, which makes it even better.
Take out "it" because of the previous reason, and I encourage you to use 1337 here and say n00b instead of noob. It would increase the humor.
The next stanza made me giggle and also made my heart melt a little. So kawaii.
And then it all falls to ruin, but it's all right because you can respawn. It's both encouraging and sad because it seems like the narrator is just going to use video games to escape the reality of the unrequited love. Alas, how sad.
Altogether, I liked this. Good job! Happy YWSing!
Thank you very much! Happy YWSing to you too!
hi! Odd, I liked your work. It may sound useless to someone but it is not like that, It's about feeling, Absolutely. And feelings are really meaningful. The one who feels he only can understand It's meaning. It was sweet. kind of a unique work. well really liked it. keep on writing your feelings. writing your feelings is the best way of understanding it.
hi! Odd, I liked your work. It may sound useless to someone but it is not like that, It's about feeling, Absolutely. And feelings are really meaningful. The one who feels he only can understand It's meaning. It was sweet. kind of a unique work. well really liked it. keep on writing your feelings. writing your feelings is the best way of understanding it.
Thank you, I will do that.
Okay, this is getting suspicious. All the well-written, YWS famous poems seem to be written by a user called Odd (I was about to type Ood, oops). How are you doing it? Do you have some magic fairy dust, or are you forcing others to like your writing? Please share your secrets.
Like all your poems, this one was amazing. It is so relatable, especially the first couple of lines (which are my favourite). The ending was clever and the rhyming really stood out in it, more than the other lines.
I hope you feel flattered.
It was humorous but sad, and I definitely suggest that you write more poems like this. Sorry for the short review, it's just perfect how it is.
Thank you so much! However, I think you're confusing me for someone else. This is only my first poem haha.
I am a video gamer myself, and I understood every reference to this poem completely. As a gamer, I loved how you put the gaming elements into something universal such as love and dating until you find the one. "Press X to respawn." I completely agree with it. No matter how hard it seems to have to lose the one closest to you because he or she doesn't feel the same way, there is always a chance to try again, just like losing at a game. My only complaint for this poem is that the period at the end is supposed to be in the quotation marks. Otherwise, I loved this piece.
Keep writing! <3
Thanks a lot! I hadn't noticed that.
You explained this perfectly to a person who has never played a video game in their lives. Just move on, don't waste your time pouting about life, go click the X button and respawn!
Hello, Odd! (I like your username, by the way. Approval.) This will be a relatively short review, mostly because I think you've fixed everything by now. I guess I could consider myself a "gamer," though I don't play as often as most gamers do. I like the humor in this, and I honestly can say that you did a really great job portraying love whilst also portraying the video games themselves. I really like the first two lines about mothers not understanding you can't pause the game, because it's very true.
Overall, I loved the humor yet romantic sort of feel to this, and I'd absolutely love to read more of your posts!
~Prez. T
Thank you! You have a pretty cool username yourself. And worry not, more posts will come haha.
*applauds* Very good, very good indeed! I'm glad I could understand the gaming lingo used here, and I didn't dislike this poem like most I read.
The only thing that I had a problem with was these two lines:
Rhyming "shot" with "headshot" seems a bit forced. I get what you were trying to do with it and that there aren't many alternatives but it doesn't really flow well
to me at least.I wasn't really sure whether to get the sense that the narrator was excited to get a text from this other person or not because at first they say:
Perhaps you meant that they were starting to feel differently toward this person, more negatively? I'm not quite sure but nonetheless this was a very nice
satiricalpiece.Also, congrats on it getting featured!
{this has been a review by Jules}
Thank you Jules! In fact the rhyme is between "best shot" and "headshot" and it isn't a perfect rhyme but I decided a close enough rhyme would do. And when I say "Who really cares... When I get a text and it shows your name" I mean that he doesn't care about losing if she's texting him. Then when I wrote "It's even worth it being called a noob" it means he doesn't mind being a "noob" since he's thinking of her... I don't know if that helps clear things up. But thanks again.
Oh, sorry, I read it as "It's not even worth it being called a noob".
thanks!
Yes, that's cleared things up
Though the structuring of the poem is little uneven, you have tried something really offbeat! Loved the concept. Well done.
Thank you!
Man! You really have got some talent there. Well, I am here, again, for a review!
So, here I go.
A really really good attempt to write something which is totally different from others. It was really cool and I couldn't even think of it. So well done!
Talking about the title, although being really nice, those brackets kinda hurt me! Could it be something like "Love - Through the Eyes of a Gamer" or maybe "Love in life of a gamer". I mean, this is what I think which could have made the title look normal. It seem kinda odd to use brackets in your title!
I loved the way you started it. I could relate that so well. haha
I still wish that the end could have been better than what it really is. I mean, you could just go on further to talk more about it or just explain your last stanza in another two sentences.
Overall, it was really nice. It was really good. Well done! You seem like a really talented person. I am looking forward to reading more of your amazing stuff.
Have a good day. And keep writing!
Thank you very much for this! In fact, the title being more or less odd was intentional; this is poetry of a different kind as normal poetry and I wanted even the title to be different and out of the ordinary. But thank you!
Hello Tuesday here for a review. i like to begin that i am sure many people could relate (i could relate since I play video games for quite some time) anyway, this poem shows that the gamer who is playing can't stop from playing since if they pause the game or quit, they might not remember how the got to a certain level or something. Also there are great example of end rhymes in this poem that gives it a great tone of like no wanting to end the game that you have in front of you or something.
i sorta get this little part of this poem yet at the same time it doesn't make sense (to me, that is).Nitpick(s):
Overall, i would suppose "gamer" people could understand half of these words that you have wrote (i only understand 1) yet this poem should a strong message as people think that gamers do not have lives within their closed spaces of just the light from the Tv screen making them shine-- those gamers that people might know well, could be like a jock or someone else who might be popular. Hopefully, this made sense.
Farewell,
Tuesday
Thanks for the review. Although I, myself, am not a gamer, so I am guessing if I understand these words, many people might as well.
Again I await more!
Stunned. Absolutely stunned. Amazing.
It's a beautiful stream of words you have blended into an excelling poem. Please, please continue in what you do. I can't say much else and I apologize for a short review, but there's not much else from superb that compliments this peice.
-{Zyox}-
Thank you! I'm very flattered.