from you i have been absent in the spring

Octave wrote:I feel the first para had a lot of punctuation a little over whelming. at times.

And when we meet under the frozen oak tree
I'lli'll smile and say, 'Ii wish youYou nothing
but happiness'
and you'llYou'll laugh and share a kiss
beneath a twilit sky. Hey, I never read twilit before, always read twilight. Buut then, it makes sense. And the portion's above were probably typing errors or I don't know why you use capital Y for you.

One winter, a winter so cold
even spring can't thaw it,
my paintsisn't the plural of paint, paint? I thought so, but, well. will freeze
and i won't remember how you feel;
But until then -

I like the ending, but in the middle the reader may feel like it's dragging a bit, or maybe that's because of the long paras. Neways, I like it.

I like the story behind this, and I love the imagery, but the "You" and "i" - that is, "you" always being capitalized while "i" is always small - just bugs me. I realize this was inspired by an e.e.cummings poem, and I realize that he was so well known for lack of capitalization and punctuation that we all write his name just like that, instead of as "E.E. Cummings," but that was him, and even he had to start off by using conventional grammar. Aside from that, I think it was just distracting to keep seeing the "You" and "i" rather than "you" and "I."

One other thing was - when you come to the part where the two people will switch roles - where the girl will be with someone new and the boy will be alone - I like the repetition here:

"a painting to remind you of
_____ (soft curves and bird-like bones)
what I felt like"

BUT, because in the original stanza it's like this:

"so i may remember what You felt like
beneath my fingers,
___________ (bony ridges and unyielding planes)"

I feel like the repeated part would flow better and fit better if you switched "what I felt like" and "(soft curves and bird-like bones). The parenthetical being where it is now broke it up and made it awkward to read.

Other than that, though, this is really good - love the imagery. And it reminds me a little of Sugarland's "Stay" - in the switch from girl wanting boy to girl moving on and deciding she can do better - except that in this I'm not sure the boy is actually cheating, just doing the on-again/off-again thing.

~Blue

Also agree with Bryan, I do like it great imagery.

Jaw dropping really! i can feel all the love in your poem. I think your use of the seasons captures the natural beauty of being in love. I think using nature to captivate the intensity of love is a rare idea only genious posses. You see, i believe that love isnt created or stumbled upon, but naturally occuring with and uncontrollable. As is nature and the seasons that occur and are an infinite cycle of unpredictable events. That is how you capture love and its qualities. Your work is really high quality and it implies a certain connection between the world and its inhabitants. Fabulous, i've yet to encounter someone who possess the natural talent to capture the imagery of love and incoorperate it in their writings. I hope to read many more of your poems because they are simply inspiring and totally original. Great Job and feel free to message me but disregard my previous drafts if ever happen to read them. I was a young kid when i joined this site and i didn't fully understand what it meant to be a poet or storyteller. All i knew was pain, but i've recently started writng again and i hope to share soething soon. Until next time, you biggest fan, Bryan.