z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone Violence

Scylla

by OceanPotato


We finally arrived back at Aiaia to bury the body of Elpenor as he requested. As we restocked our ship Odysseus talked to the witch Circe. I overheard them speaking of many dangers ahead in our voyage to Ithaca but I trust that our lord Odysseus will find a way through them. We bury Elpenor and prepare to head out on our voyage, I hope we have smooth sailing tomorrow.

Everything was going fine until Odysseus warned us that in the waters ahead there will be Sirens who will try to seduce us with their beautiful song, he said that if we hear it they will shipwreck us on the rocky coast to our sides. He gave us wax to put in our ears but he said that Circe told him to hear the song and ordered us to tie him to the mast and no matter how much he screams at us to do so. We traveled through the land of the Sirens with no problem and continued to sail across the blue seas.

I see a monster In the distance, it appears to have many heads and about twice as many legs, I will keep my pen and papyrus ready to record what may happen next.

We are right next to the great monster Scylla, a giant monster with six heads and twelve feet sitting on her rocky ledge gazing upon us. Suddenly one of her mighty heads swoops down and grabs one of our fellow crew mates, everyone moves frantically in panic but out of the corner of my eye I can see Odysseus completely calm. For a while us men struggle against nature until Scylla grabs another man, and another. I notice Odysseus is still relatively calm, I wonder if he knew about this, if so why didn’t he warn us, is he really such a hero like we believed or is he just that brave to be unfazed by this disaster.

Suddenly I get picked up in one of Scylla's mouths, pen and paper still at hand along with some of our other crew members. I decide to keep writing to keep my mind off of the pain of teeth slowly sinking into my body. Odysseus’ ship leaves without even trying to save us and travels past the whirlpool created my Charybdis and safely travel towards land. I hope that they will all make it back to Ithaca safely, if only I could join them. I look up and see my intestines falling out of my body and it seems like this might be my final entry in this journal. Farewell.


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13 Reviews


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Tue Dec 13, 2016 12:27 pm
EvangelineFire wrote a review...



Okay, so I honestly don't know what to think about this piece. It's short, to the point, and reads fast. But first I want to ask... how do you pronounce Aiaia? That is all vowels! Is it like eye-eye-uh? Eye-ay-uh?

Let's take this paragraph by paragraph.

1st Paragraph: Already this is feeling rushed and shaky. Even if this is suppose to be a journal entry type thing, it should still have "meat". You mentioned a dangerous journey ahead. So tell us the dangers, tell us how your characters could be completely and utterly mutilated. Build the tension. Foreshadow that something big is going to go down while they're on this voyage. Don't trade in the juicy bits for "mystery". Just because you mention something, then don't explain, doesn't always make it suddenly mysterious. A lot of the time what you're saying just falls flat if you decide to be vague.

2nd Paragraph: This is still feeling rushed. Can we get some descriptions, please? Again, I understand this is a journal, but maybe you could tell us about how the swaying of the ship was calming to your MC. Maybe it made him feel sick. Or maybe he's missing home because this voyage is so long. Give us something, anything really. Picture the scene in your mind then tell us how your MC would see it.

3rd Paragraph: This is when it feels like I'm reading about an overly excited scholar who thinks absolutely everything is fascinating and must be recorded for the sake of knowledge. If that was what you were going for, congratulations, you hit it spot on. But honestly, this overly excited scholar thing began to feel really cheesy and unbelievable real fast.

4th Paragraph: Right here. The very first sentence. What I picture here is a skinny guy in scholar robes crouching by the side of the ship with his pencil and paper, literally shaking with excitement as he rushes to write down the description of the monster. The "We are right next to the great monster Scylla" just sounds like a youtuber vloging his recent adventures and sharing it with the world. You don't want that.

Also, I'm not feeling the panic, the fear. A monster is attacking, right? Is your MC really just standing there, so confused as to why Odysseus isn't doing anything? Tell me how your MC's heart is racing. Let me hear the screams of the dying men trying desperately to survive. Put me in the moment.

5th Paragraph: So, wait. . . . Your MC is SO desperate to keep writing in his journal that he decides to just completely ignore his insides being ripped out? See, that's just a tad bit unbelievable, for me at least. Also, isn't he afraid? Isn't he in pain? Like in excruciating pain that he couldn't, you know, just ignore it? I mean, if my intestines were falling out, I don't think I'd have time to write something like, "Oh, my friends, I hope they make it back home, I just wish I could be there with them. Farewell world! I'll miss you!!" Cue dramatic music, roll credits.


Well, in conclusion, I just want to say that I don't think writing this in a journal style was the best way. Personally, I think it's a really hard way to write and it takes lots of practice to get it done right. But if you really love writing this way, you should read "Life as We Knew It". It's a fantastic book written completely in the journal style like this. I think you would benefit from it.

All right, so, I just reread through my review and I just want to say that I'm really sorry of this came across as harsh, haha. I just get really in the moment and fixated on what needs to be improved and I don't always have the nicest way of putting things. Regardless, I enjoyed this piece and I hope you benefit from my review. If you need any clarification or have any questions, feel free to ask. Also, if you enjoyed my review and found it helpful, don't be afraid to ask me to critique your future works. I'd love to.

See you around.

- EvangelineFire <3




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Tue Dec 13, 2016 6:06 am
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dystopianmonkey01 wrote a review...



This is a great start. It really draws you in. I do enjoy the storyline a lot!

A couple suggestions:

For one, you do change your tenses often, which is a no no. Sometimes you say (for example) "We are right next to the great monster Scylla", and other times you say "We travelled through the land of the Sirens with no problem and continued to sail across the blue seas"

Do you understand what I mean?

ARE, and TRAVELLED. Are is present tense, Travelled is past tense... Just something to be careful of in the future :)

Also, since this is in 1st person, it would be good to include emotion in it. Your writing style is very objective; very factual. You don't seem to dive into emotions very much. Typically when you write something from 1st person you tend to get a sense of their thoughts, beliefs and worries. Maybe work on this?

Overall, great job! Keep writing, it's good!




OceanPotato says...


Thanks for the great review, the reason it is very factual and it switches tenses is because I am writing it kind of in the style of a journal or diary and sometimes they were writing it during the event and sometimes after.





Oh okay. In that case, don't change a thing!




Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.
— Abraham Lincoln