Okay, so I honestly don't know what to think about this piece. It's short, to the point, and reads fast. But first I want to ask... how do you pronounce Aiaia? That is all vowels! Is it like eye-eye-uh? Eye-ay-uh?
Let's take this paragraph by paragraph.
1st Paragraph: Already this is feeling rushed and shaky. Even if this is suppose to be a journal entry type thing, it should still have "meat". You mentioned a dangerous journey ahead. So tell us the dangers, tell us how your characters could be completely and utterly mutilated. Build the tension. Foreshadow that something big is going to go down while they're on this voyage. Don't trade in the juicy bits for "mystery". Just because you mention something, then don't explain, doesn't always make it suddenly mysterious. A lot of the time what you're saying just falls flat if you decide to be vague.
2nd Paragraph: This is still feeling rushed. Can we get some descriptions, please? Again, I understand this is a journal, but maybe you could tell us about how the swaying of the ship was calming to your MC. Maybe it made him feel sick. Or maybe he's missing home because this voyage is so long. Give us something, anything really. Picture the scene in your mind then tell us how your MC would see it.
3rd Paragraph: This is when it feels like I'm reading about an overly excited scholar who thinks absolutely everything is fascinating and must be recorded for the sake of knowledge. If that was what you were going for, congratulations, you hit it spot on. But honestly, this overly excited scholar thing began to feel really cheesy and unbelievable real fast.
4th Paragraph: Right here. The very first sentence. What I picture here is a skinny guy in scholar robes crouching by the side of the ship with his pencil and paper, literally shaking with excitement as he rushes to write down the description of the monster. The "We are right next to the great monster Scylla" just sounds like a youtuber vloging his recent adventures and sharing it with the world. You don't want that.
Also, I'm not feeling the panic, the fear. A monster is attacking, right? Is your MC really just standing there, so confused as to why Odysseus isn't doing anything? Tell me how your MC's heart is racing. Let me hear the screams of the dying men trying desperately to survive. Put me in the moment.
5th Paragraph: So, wait. . . . Your MC is SO desperate to keep writing in his journal that he decides to just completely ignore his insides being ripped out? See, that's just a tad bit unbelievable, for me at least. Also, isn't he afraid? Isn't he in pain? Like in excruciating pain that he couldn't, you know, just ignore it? I mean, if my intestines were falling out, I don't think I'd have time to write something like, "Oh, my friends, I hope they make it back home, I just wish I could be there with them. Farewell world! I'll miss you!!" Cue dramatic music, roll credits.
Well, in conclusion, I just want to say that I don't think writing this in a journal style was the best way. Personally, I think it's a really hard way to write and it takes lots of practice to get it done right. But if you really love writing this way, you should read "Life as We Knew It". It's a fantastic book written completely in the journal style like this. I think you would benefit from it.
All right, so, I just reread through my review and I just want to say that I'm really sorry of this came across as harsh, haha. I just get really in the moment and fixated on what needs to be improved and I don't always have the nicest way of putting things. Regardless, I enjoyed this piece and I hope you benefit from my review. If you need any clarification or have any questions, feel free to ask. Also, if you enjoyed my review and found it helpful, don't be afraid to ask me to critique your future works. I'd love to.
See you around.
- EvangelineFire <3
Points: 1675
Reviews: 13
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