Day One
My eyes flutter open, I look around only to realize I have absolutely no idea where I am. Then I see my father’s face, asleep in a chair beside my bed. I am in the hospital, no doubt my mother’s doing. How did I get here though? The last thing I remember is scrubbing my face with the hot water in the shower, trying to get all the dried puke off. I wonder where she is? I do hate to do this but since she is gone this would be the perfect time to ask daddy what is going on, I’ll have to wake him.Day Two
I wake up screaming, pushing, kicking, trying to escape what I soon realize is nothing. I throw the remote against the wall in frustration, then my cup of water, then I shove the table on wheels across the room and it hits the door with a loud bang. On that note a bunch of nurses come in. One must have given me an immediate sedative, some hold me down until I pass out, I guess the others cleaned up my mess.Day Three
This morning I wake up to my father’s smiling face. This day is going to be better, I want out of here so I have to show signs of improvement.Day Four
I never wake up. On day four I am dead.Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Icy here for a review!
Firstly, I'd suggest separating your paragraphs by double spacing them. It makes it a whole lot more appealing and easier to read. It's a preference thing more than anything else. Just something to consider.
Onto the review!
My eyes pop open!
It's probably a personal preference of mine again, but I really don't like the use of exclamation marks. I sometimes use them too often myself, but I can see why they can seem annoying.. It’s just that exclamation marks can sometimes come across as a little bit cheesy and just don’t really work in specific scenes and situations. I've been told that unless it’s to portray a raised voice in dialogue, you should only ever have one exclamation mark in every chapter of a novel, if that.
Also, this sentence needs to either be connected to the next with an 'and' or the latter needs the word 'is' between 'body' and 'covered' to make it make sense.
get some Zzzzz’s. It sounds more professional just to say sleep or rest. Try not to use slang unless someone is talking or it's a diary entry. I wouldn't even use it in a diary entry, personally.
I think your first day moves too quickly here. If this is the first chapter we want to really get a feel for the characters. Especially this Axel character. I don't feel you do him justice. He's not there to fill space, make him meaningful . I know it can be tempting to skip things out because you want to get on with your story and you know the character well but you have to remember that the reader doesn't. The reader needs to get to know them. The MC too.
Having said that your pace is too fast I particularly like the end. I'm interested to see where you'll go with it.
- Icy.