Published July 1, 2026
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137,429 Literary Works • 672,015 Reviews
Good afternoon!
Love the pictures you added to your poem :3
I also like how consistent you are in the language you’ve used!
And that drop after “and I -- // I was forged only for ruin” ohh that reads so well!
Also the armour hiding the fractures? Very good!
That said, I find some of the lines (like the second verse or the verse with gluttony”) very long and cumbersome. I can’t seem to find a good way to say them while keeping any sort of rhythm ☹ But that might be just on me?
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A knight that brings ruin, away from his much kinder beloved- the yearning and repentance is so evident. Plus the little complimentary images- chef's kiss!! Amazing poetry, loved the perspective so very much..
Hi there @ONRIVIK and welcome to YWS! Hope you are enjoying the site so far.
I am very interested in the aesthetics of your poem - I see it's labeled 1/1 and has some pretty illustrations and a bug on the bottom left... is it part of a bigger collection you're working on? I'm intrigued and like the formatting you've chosen to present your poem in!
A few comments on the poem itself - while you won't find many poems in archaic language on YWS, this is really well done and thoughtful!
The speaker seems to be working through the grief of battling the seven deadly sins... pride, wrath, lust, envy, slothfulness, gluttony, greed... they're woven in so naturally that I almost didn't catch that all seven were represented here. Very nicely done! I think greed was maybe the hardest one to catch as it isn't named but just alluded to.
I had a little bit of difficulty picking up the whole narrative of the speaker, but the gist I got was that the speaker feels they are under God's watch as they go through being a knight / soldier, and they encounter the temptations and failures of the different sins of life in a way that feels like they can't overcome it - they fall in love / lust, and grow envious of their comrades who have wives back at home - they can't escape their greed and envy and wrathfulness and feel like their path of life leads only to personal ruin rather than a better day. They're lonely and don't know how to escape their memories.
The last couplet is very haunting - "For God may forgive the sinner, / yet the sinner ne'er forgiveth himself" - it's a quiet but thought-provoking observation that is well stated and I think a lot of folks could relate to the hardest part of sin is sometimes the forgiving of yourself!
I think you could use a bit more specificity in the narrative bit itself - I see a "love" alluded to and a "war" alluded to, but their isn't a ton of emotion or image given to fill that out. I think the language you use in the poem is quite elegant and thoughtful and certainly caries a weightiness to it.
Thanks for sharing your writing! Hope you write and share more with us here! Let me know if you need any help finding your way around the site!
~A