"Hello. I am Satan-7. Welcome to Hell."
I jumped. The world materialized around me. But. . . I was dead. I was dead. There was no way I could have survived that. The tsunami warning hadn't been quick enough. There was water everywhere. It was strong and pulled me under. Deep. My brain went fuzzy from lack of oxygen. I closed my stinging eyes. And then there was nothing.
But here I was.
I stood, in perfect physical health, in front of a woman sitting at a large desk, who was scribbling on some sort of form with red ink. Holy shit. She had neon green hair in two long braids, and matching green eye shadow. Her attire was a spotted onesie. On it was a name tag that said Seven in neat handwriting. It all did not seem terribly hellish.
"You may experience some confusion," she said dully. "We do not care. Here is your paperwork." She handed me the single sided paper. The print on it was teeny. "Follow the instructions to your orientation. Do not come back here."
The woman then pulled open a drawer in the desk and took out a. . . smart phone? She kicked up her feet and relaxed into the spinning chair she was in. I gawked. Her thumbs moved in a way that implied she was playing a game on her phone.
Maybe I was dreaming.
I looked at my paper. The weensy font forced me to hold it comically close to my face and squint. I was not wearing my glasses. That made things harder. You would think my vision would be corrected in the afterlife. But I guess this was Hell, not heaven. The form said this:
Jay Evan Varner
It used the Arial font. Of course it did.
And then my birth and death date, height, weight, blah blah blah.
Cause of Death: Tsunami Drowning
The form was in such small print that it hurt my eyes to read it, and so far it did not tell me anything I didn't already know. So I skipped to the bottom, where there was an Instructions heading.
Assignment: CTCI
Room: #1942
There are no instructions, dummy. Figure it out like a big boy.
Fantastic. This really was Hell.
I looked up at the lady at the desk who was ignoring my existence. I glanced around the room. The whole place was very bland. There were a lot of doors, though. None of them were labeled. They were all the same shade of gray.
Feeling strangely weightless, I wandered over to one and tried to open it. It opened easily, but not without creating a horrible loud squeaking sound. Also the knob was suspiciously sticky.
I peered cautiously into the adjacent room. It looked just like the one I was in, except with a different Satan and a different confused person standing in front of him. It was an old woman. She glanced fearfully at me and we made awkward eye contact. I stepped back into my original room and pulled the door shut. It whined in protest. Now my hand was sticky.
I opened all of the doors and all of them were similar to the first one except for the very last one. I laughed to myself. I wondered if that was planned. The green-haired Satan glared at me. Maybe I wasn't supposed to be laughing in Hell.
This door exposed a very long and very wide hallway. The walls were black; the doors were white. The doors had handles instead of knobs which were shiny and gold. So far Hell seemed very inconsistent.
The first door was labeled 1. Across from it was 2. And so on. My door was #1942 I was going to be walking for a while. I had to pee.
As I went on my way, people entered the hallway and began their own journeys down the hall. I recognized some of them from the doors I had looked into earlier. Some of them, including a child that looked about six, passed me. It struck me suddenly that the child was dead. Had died. And I was dead too. I almost started crying. But seriously, why did I have to pee in the afterlife? Bullshit.
The doors I passed were unevenly placed. Sometimes there were mere inches between them. Sometimes it felt like a mile.
I walked for a long time. I passed plenty of people doing the same thing, but nobody spoke to one another. No one even dared to make eye contact. Including me. Finally, finally, I found my door.
#1942. I looked up at the door. It looked the same as all the others. What would I find inside? I really had to pee. And I was getting a headache from not wearing my glasses. I entered the room.
No I didn't. It was locked. And the handle was sticky. I wiped my hand on my shirt. The shirt I was wearing when I died. It did nothing for the stickiness. I knocked on the door.
It opened instantly. A young man stared down at me. His mouth curled into a smile. His teeth were unnaturally white. He was handsome; very handsome. The most beautiful man I had ever seen.
"You must be Jay," he said warmly. "We have been waiting for you to start. Do come in."
He opened the door very wide and gestured in a gentlemanly way for me to enter. And I did. With some hesitancy.
The man who had greeted me was in a full tux with a hot pink tie, but everyone else was dressed casually, I guess in the clothes they died in. That was the first thing I noticed.
Seven people- a teen girl, two young women, an old woman, a middle aged man, and two very old men- sat in a semicircle. There was one empty chair. That one must be for me. The handsome man nodded at me as I took my seat. He stood facing us. Everyone looked how I was feeling.
"Greetings friends," said the standing man. "And welcome. I am so glad to have you all as new additions to our team."
I glanced around the room. It was different than the ones from before. It was colorful. There was weird art on the walls. The chairs were cushioned and comfortable. The floor was purple shaggy carpet. The man continued his speech.
"You probably noticed that your forms all have one thing in common: Your assignments are all CTCI," he said. I had not noticed. I had not had any interaction with any of the people in this room. "CTCI stands for Conspiracy Theory Creator and Implanter."
"Oh," I said quietly in surprise. I think someone else did too. There was some interested shuffling around me. The handsome man smiled at us.
"All of you were determined to be perfect fits for this job," he said. "You were all creative, imaginative types in your lives. Authors of horror stories. . ." he looked at one of the old men. ". . . filmmakers. . ." his gaze shifted to a young woman. ". . . fanfiction writers. . ." and his eyes landed on me. I cringed internally. Possibly also externally.
"Is that why I'm in Hell?" I asked quietly. The man chuckled. The folks sitting around me giggled nervously. My face heated up with embarrassment. The handsome man did not answer me.
"All of you will bring your wonderful uniqueness to our team. Now, allow me to show you to your offices." The man gestured for us to stand. I rose from my seat, only half ready for what came next. He opened grand double doors on the far side of the room. I still had to pee.
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,754 Reviews
Hello! Mira here for a review.
So the first thing I noticed was how the sentences were choppy and felt slightly abrupt. I like that you can say so much in so little words, though. You should put in more details about Jay. For example, I really couldn't tell if Jay was a girl or a boy.
Also, when did Jay die? How much time passed since Jay got into Hell? This would help develop the setting more.
You should also develop the characters more, and give the other people in CTCI team a face.
Many of the other things I say were already mentioned in the reviews below, so I'm not listing them here.
The spacing is good, and the writing is clear. The main character has a sarcastic sense of humor, which I appreciate. I feel that this story has a lot of potential, but can be made better.
Of course, you don't have to use these critiques, this is just what I felt as a reader and writer.
Keep writing,
Miraculor77
This was not what I expected when I clicked on the title!
This made me chuckle a few times, especially the bit "You may experience some confusion," she said dully. "We do not care. Here is your paperwork." There was just something about that line that I loved.
I would have liked some more detailed description- about the death, about all the doors. Some more of what Jay was feeling. There was a lot of sentences that started with "I" which I sort of disliked- there are so many other ways to start sentences!
Anyway, I would love to read more of this some day if you ever decide to carry it on
Hello there Nymeria!
This is Kostia, I will review your work on this Review day!
First of all I want to say that I loved this piece! It was ironic, sarcastic and comically dramatic. You did a great job. That's the kind of thing I consider to be a great read!
With that being said, let's jump in the review part!
Plot:
You have a great and solid plot. It is very imaginetive, instantly engaging, interesting to read and last but not least, incredibly funny. This storyline has a lot of potential, I don't know if I would turn it into a book. I believe the good thing about it is that it sais a lot in a few words. So in my opinion keep it as a short story just build it up a little. I think twenty pages will be more than enough.
I loved the fact that your character had to pee in the afterlife and didn't have the glasses. I thought it was very funny and imaginative.
The only thing I think you could alter in your story is the fact that everyone wore simple clothes. Since you mention those were the clothes they died in, (which makes tottal sence) I would suggest to dress them in some peculiar clothes because each one of them could have died in different circumstances. For instance, someone could have died in their pijamas, or in a hospital robe or even in a weird costume! I think the element of funny looking clothes (or the absence of them) would add up to your comedy!
Other than that I loved your plot, like your character, you are very creative! Well done! I have no words.
Grammar and spelling:
I usually don't review grammar and spelling since I am not a native reader and I often make mistakes myself. However you had some spelling mistakes in the text. I think with a quick reread you will spot them easilly. Most of them seem accidental. Nothing that a spell check can not fix!
Structure.
Your structure was pretty good. Your paragraphs were shorted out nicely and you didn't have too long paragraphs or phrases. You managed to keep the contex simple, and yet descriptive, without being too informative.
The ending:
I really liked the twist and the symbolism in the fact that people had to work in hell for eternity, according to the occupation they had chosen when they were alive. Seriously I thought it was quite brilliant. However it doesn't have to be the end. As I said before, this could be up to twenty pages, I think you should expand a little on your story.
Other than that, what you currently have is a great idea for a script as well!
The tittle:
The tittle is just fine as it is, however I believe you are creative enough to come up with something even better than that!
I would write a conclusion part but I think it's hardly necessary. I think I was very clear on how much I liked it
So I hope you write more on this and if/when you do, I will be happy to read and review it. Feel free to tag me
Keep up the good work!
Best regards
Kostia
What is uuuppp! Happy Review Day.
Usually I’m not a fan of these after-life in Hell stories just because they bore me and they all feel/read similar, but this was very fresh! The humor made this a much more refreshing read and I like the tone of the story. Jay seems like a cool character.
I think this premise is pretty interesting - just reading this, I’m curious what they’re going to be doing in hell - “uniqueness to the team”. Intriguing!
In the beginning, we start the story right off the bat, which isn’t bad, but as a reader I’m like “woah woah woah” because there’s not much physical description at all. The only imagery we get in the first little part is the lady at her desk. This leaves a LOT up to the imagination of the reader (or, if they have none, there’s just a desk). We get a bit more description later with the hallways, but the “entrance” to Hell seems a bit bare.
My other suggestion would be the vary up the sentence length. I love short, punchy sentences and I think you have some really effective ones in this piece. The problem is, the short sentences can’t be effective when almost all of the sentences are short. Instead, it creates a more choppy, monotone voice instead of one that flows. For example:
All of these sentences are about the same length and all use the [noun] + [verb] +[noun/adjective] formula. Varying it up will increase engagement.
I hope this review helps you out! I like this concept a lot and I smiled when I found out Jay was a fan fiction writer. Love that, haha. Let me know if you write more because I’d love to read it!
~ EternalRain
Hi, Cyr here, I'll be reviewing this piece of yours.
I would like to start by saying that the premise wasn't bad. I would describe this as a depiction of the modern Hell, full of endless inconvenience and all those little things that we just don't talk about in public. The things you don't complain about. I've seen similar stories online, but none that actually went as in-depth as you did. That is to say, none actually wrote up a full story, they were all just little bits and pieces of ideas.
Now, the part where I will probably (most likely) come off as rude or like I hated this story or whatever else. I am going to go through paragraph by paragraph and pick out bits and pieces of the text where I see a problem, inconsistency, or otherwise. Keep in mind that this is based in my own opinion and understanding, you can take or leave any piece of advice I give.
""Hello. I am Satan-7. Welcome to Hell.""
Good opening. I don't usually like when people start with dialogue, but I think you pulled it off quite nicely if a little predictably for a story such as this. If you choose to rewrite this, I would advise you to try for a little more creativity with your opening line.
"I jumped. The world materialized around me. But. . . I was dead. I was dead. There was no way I could have survived that. The tsunami warning hadn't been quick enough. There was water everywhere. It was strong and pulled me under. Deep. My brain went fuzzy from lack of oxygen. I closed my stinging eyes. And then there was nothing."
Describing the death here is unnecessary and distracting. It is not only perfectly fine, but better for building intrigue if you leave the reveal of how your MC died for the paper. It gets your readers asking "how did he die" and then it give them their answer. In essence, it provides the readers with another, small, reason to keep reading.
"The first door was labeled 1. Across from it was 2. And so on. My door was #1942 I was going to be walking for a while. I had to pee."
After this, you don't really do the greatest job of portraying the passage of time to the readers. Does he feel fatigue after all of that walking? Does he take note of the absolute suffocating monotony of walking so far for no real reason? Does he purposely take longer because this is hell and he's not keen on starting whatever torture awaits him in his room? Has a headache set in because of how long he's gone without his glasses? I think you get the point. There are just so many different questions that go unanswered here and so many different directions you could go with it. It was a little disappointing to see this just kind of brushed off as "oh yeah, he just walked there, it took a little while but he made it" when you could do so much more.
"Seven people- a teen girl, two young women, an old woman, a middle aged man, and two very old men- sat in a semicircle. There was one empty chair. That one must be for me. The handsome man nodded at me as I took my seat. He stood facing us. Everyone looked how I was feeling."
You could just say "seven people of varying ages and genders sat in a semicircle". The act of describing the approximate age and gender of each person in the room is not only boring but unnecessary as you could explain those things when the handsome guy is explaining everyone's jobs and whatnot in the living world.
""All of you will bring your wonderful uniqueness to our team. Now, allow me to show you to your offices." The man gestured for us to stand. I rose from my seat, only half ready for what came next. He opened grand double doors on the far side of the room. I still had to pee."
I was kinda disappointed to learn that you weren't going to explain exactly WHAT these people were going to be doing in Hell. I mean, we, the readers, can make guesses and all of that, but we can't really know anything. All it would have required was a paragraph or so more, or even just one more line of dialogue from the handsome guy saying "Welcome to the (insert whatever they're there for) team" and let that be that.
My overall thoughts just place this as sort of underwhelming. Not bad, just not as good as it could have been.
Anyway, that's all from me, goodbye and happy writing!