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Canary word: Present
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Nice job keeping rhyme scheme. Always a little impressed with that. It definitely gave it a beat. However, the actual substance of the poem is a little confusing to me. It appears to be about an emotional whirlwind of a relationship, but I can't seem to make out what exactly the narrator is trying to say. Maybe try to better explain this, write it in clean chronological order? Something?
Personally, the best example of a good narrative poem I can name off the top of my head is "My Mother Combs My Hair"--it might be online. Maybe check it out?
Otherwise, feel free to tell me what it is exactly about, because I am curious. Maybe then I could do a better critique.
Keep writing,
Cas
I am interested in hearing other things you have written. Please write more! If you approve, I would like to put some of your writings (if you write more) on a website called Panda Publishing. Its unofficial publishing though. Here is the link https://sites.google.com/site/pandapublisher/