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141,406 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
First off, ditch the second paragraph. "Haha, not!" is not working for this piece.
The main problem with this is I think the tone needs to be formal. Right now, this is just too open. An essay basically can be summed up like this:
Hook your reader with your introduction, zoom through the body and get outta there!
Yes. We don't care if you've donated to other charities! That's not the point of this essay! It's to tell us that we need to get off of our butts and go and help some other people.
Always, always, always, ALWAYS save your opinion for the closing paragraph. We want facts and vivid descriptions of what is going on within the main body of the essay. Save your opinions til later.
I can't find anything else majorly wrong with this. What I would focus on is:
1) Make it seem a little more formal.
2) Use bigger and badder descriptions.
3) Save your opinions until the last paragraph.
-Jared