Young Writers Society

Nolan wrote:Said people use it to rationalize their existence and confirm to themselves that they are their own master, when, in actuality, they aren't. We have many masters, but there is not one of us that is our own master, or another's master. We can pretend to ourselves that we control everything we do, and even some of what others do, but we don't. Not in the least, tiniest, most minuscule bit.

Nolan wrote:The truth of reality, in all realness, is that there is no reality. Sure, sometimes we might think we know what's going on, but, in actuality, we haven't the slightest clue.

Another thing that can be very good in persuasive essays is the use of sources. If you can show that there are like minded people then it really demonstrates that the ideas you try to express are logical. For this particular essay I would suggest researching the psychologist Carl Rogers. In a way he suggested that there is one main reality which each individual interprets differently. Not exactly what you were saying I know, but it's in that same vein of a multi-layered existence consisting of things we perceive v.s. things beyond our understanding. Also, I'm not sure if I'm missing something but I didn't really grasp the connection between our inability to be our masters and the existence of an actuality/reality. Try to elaborate if you would (assuming I'm not just being dense).
Outside of that though I really enjoyed your essay. It makes you think about these sorts of things which is always fun, and you put out some intriguing ideas. Now just run with them.

For a persuasive essay, I have very little idea of what you're talking about. It isn't that I haven't understood the words you've written, but it just seems to be a string of individual arguments that don't progress towards a single point. In short, what am I supposed to be persuaded to think? ^_^

Let's look at your title, first of all. "An Essay Upon More than Worlds" Did you intend "words" in place of "worlds"? Second (assuming you did mean words?), how do you intend for people to take "an essay upon more than words"? Is this supposed to mean that the essay, unlike others, will be meaningful, or that you'll be talking about something of greater importance than just the differences between actuality and reality? Especially in an essay, the title is of great importance. If I'm confused at the title, there's little hope for me understanding the rest of the piece, and if the point of the essay is that I agree with you by the end, understanding it first is a must!

I am in agreement with Rubric; I think you need to expand this so that all the ideas are fully developed. The paragraphs are very short and don't really go into any one subject in and of themselves but rather they seem like topic sentences introducing a larger argument. If you haven't already, making an outline or a concept web would probably be very helpful (I know that I always find them to be so!). I think a big reason for this confusion is your focus more on how the words sound than what they're saying. There are certain techniques used, such as sentence fragments and one-word sentences, etc. that are useful in their own right, but when combined with an already confusing text, are not as useful as they could be.

In terms of writing in general, there are two things you can do right now to make this a hundred times more fluent. They might sound a little silly at first, but I swear they work!:

(1) Make sure you don't overuse words. In the first sentence alone, some version of "real" is used three times. That is a *lot*. After a while, it makes it sound like you're talking in circles, and things don't really make sense any more.

(2) Eliminate vague pronouns. Look at the second paragraph in particular.

Said people use it to rationalize their existence and confirm to themselves that they are their own master, when, in actuality, they aren't.

mmm.
thanks.

this was actually a persuasive philosophical essay for my honors english class.

How are the words "actuality" and "reality" differentiated? They are used so interchangeabely that they are seemingly synonymous.

I can't really give you more on this without going into a debate, which isn't the purpose of a critique. Develop you ideas into a longer piece, and yes don't be afraid to finish with a question and leave it to the reader to come to a conclusion (if you do your job right they come to the conclusion you want them to).

Rubric

What if in actuality we are the center of the universe? since we have so little intelligence, we have no way of knowing. What if there is no grador scale of science? what if it's all a blind perception?

I'm not making a stance in saying your wrong, but you contradict yourself if you say actuality is the true state of the universe, but we are just little specks of dust within it. Then you claim to know what actuality is.

My advice, when talking about matters so deep, don't make a stance, just offer a question.


but what do I know?........in all actuality