Published January 19, 2013
"Sam, is your room clean yet?" I asked from the living room.
My daughter, Sam, ran into the room quickly, her shimmering brown hair flying behind her. She had all of the energy you'd expect from a 7 year old. "Yes, sir!" She looked a lot like her mother, but with my colour of hair. "Can we go now?"
"Okay, we'll go. Let me say bye to Mama before we go, okay?"
"Okay!" She ran to her room.
I chuckled as I walked to my bedroom. I gently opened the door into the dark room. "Sophie?"
My wife rolled over slowly, groaning. "Hey." I turned the light on. She looked exhausted. "Are you two about to go?"
I walked over to the bed and sat down. I put the back of my hand on her forehead. "Well, I wanted to check on you again before we did. You still feel really warm."
She coughed. "I'm fine. Besides, Sam would be super disappointed if she couldn't go. She's been begging to go for a while now."
"I know she has."
Sam ran into our room. "Dad, can we go now?"
"Oh, Sam. Come here. I have to ask you to do something for me."
She trotted over to her mother and leaned in close. Sophie whispered something I couldn't hear, and Sam started smiling again. She walked over to the dresser Sophie and I shared and grabbed the camera.
"Uh, Sophie? Are you sure-" I started, but Sophie interrupted.
"Yes, I am. She can take pictures."
"Okay then. Sam, let's go."
"Have fun, you two," Sophie groaned as she layed back down and fell asleep. I killed the lights and walked out.
Sam ran to the door happily. She was shaking in her coat, the camera dangling from her neck. I grabbed my keys and coat from the table and tapped my pocket for my phone.
"Alright. Let's go. Be careful, though. It's pretty icy outside." I opened the door and let her walk out to the car. I clicked my keys, unlocking my 2010 Ford Taurus. She hopped in and smiled from ear to ear. I got in and started the car. "Ready?"
"Of course I am!" she shrieked, hopping up and down happily. "I've been waiting for the Christmas lights forever!"
I slowly back out of the driveway, careful not to slip and slide on the ice. I slowly drove towards the town square, very happy that I had all four wheels trying to grip the frozen asphalt.
"It starts in about 15 minutes. We'll get there in time." The sky was beginning to darken as the sun drooped behind the horizon.
"Yay!" Sam giggled. How she had so much energy, I'll never know.
After 5 minutes of what you could call sliding instead of driving, we arrived near the square. Unfortunately, there was nowhere to park. I had an idea, then drove (slid more like it) to the bank. I pulled into the parking lot and killed the engine.
"Sam, be careful when you get out." Unfortunately, my warning must have fallen on deaf ears. She got out quickly and yelped as she fell. "Sam!" I got out and moved as fast as I possibly could to the passenger side. I helped her up slowly. "Are you okay? Are you dizzy?"
She shook her head. "I'm always dizzy, daddy."
I rubbed her head lightly. "You little goofball. Let's go."
She smiled warmly as we walked on the ice and snow covered concrete on the way to the square. Almost as soon as we arrived, all of the lights in town went out. Sam grabbed my hand quickly. All of a sudden, the town square became flooded with light! The light show was one of the best in the world. Elegant designs crossed from the town square to the surrounding buildings.
Sam squealed in delight and began snapping pictures. A large sleigh with the unanimously known Santa Claus flew off of the courthouse, flying around the square in one of the most beautifully elegant displays I think I had ever seen.
"Probie? Sam?" I heard a voice say. I turned my head and saw a young woman walking up.
"Oh, no. If it isn't Jennifer!" I said loud enough to where I knew she could hear me.
"What are you doing here?" Jennifer said, smiling. She walked up and hugged me.
"Well, I had to bring Sam to see the lights. She's been begging to come since she learned about it."
"Hi, Jennifer!" Sam said loudly.
"Hi, Sam!" Jennifer said in what was probably the highest pitch of voice I think I have ever heard. She wrapped my daughter into a warm hug. "Probie, is it okay if she goes with me to get some dinner?"
She and Sam looked at me with pleading eyes. "Go ahead," I sighed.
Sam ran up and hugged me. "Thank you, Daddy!" She handed me the camera and skipped away with her aunt.
Curiosity forced me to look through the camera's memory. Sam had not missed a moment of the show.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. I turned the camera off and answered the phone. "Hello?"
"Hey. Sam enjoying the show?" I heard Sophie say.
"Good grief, Sophie. We've been gone for maybe 45 minutes. But yes, she enjoyed it."
"Good, good. Can I speak to her?"
"Actually, Jennifer showed up and stole her from me."
"Yeah, that sounds like Jen."
"I guess you would know. She IS your sister, after all."
"That she is. I'm going back to sleep now. Wake me up when you get home."
"Alright, hon. I love you."
"Love you too." She hung up.
I walked around the town square for a little while, looking into various kiosks selling jewelry, food, and other things. I yawned. I looked at my watch with disdain. It read "7:55."
"Hurry up, Jennifer," I thought to myself. Jennifer walked back with Sam holding a half eaten hamburger.
"Sam, let's go home," I said in a tired voice.
"But, Daddy. I'm not-" Sam started, but she was interrupted by a yawn.
"Yeah, you're not tired at all," I said in a sarcastic tone.
"You're right, I am tired. Bye, Jen!" Sam hugged Jennifer.
"Aww. Oh, well. I'll see you on Christmas, right?"
"Yes, you will. Bye, Jen," I said. I grabbed Sam's hand and led her back to my car.
I drove home and trudged into the house. "Sam, go ahead and get in bed, okay?"
She nodded and yawned. "Yes, sir."
I watched her wlk to her room and I walked to mine. I slowly turned the light on and woke my wife. "Soph, here's your camera. Sam didn't miss a minute of it."
"Oh, good," she groaned, rubbing her eyes. She took the camera and flipped through the pictures. The fantastic light show repeated on the tiny screen of the camera.
"She did a great job," she said as she put the camera on the bedside table.
"Yeah, she did. She had a blast too," I said as I yawned. I kicked off my boots and shirt off and crawled into bed. I kissed my wife and fell asleep.
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hello! Here is your second Secret Santa review
This is slightly unnatural and difficult to say. Try reading it out loud and you'll find you stumble on the 'two' because the words don't flow. A person would more normally say 'are you about to go' because we love brevity and are all more than able to read the extra meanings into people's words, such as the plural of you.Specifics
1. I'm already finding this more engaging than your other - the characters can be related to and there are just enough atmosphere building details to hold my attention while I wait for the plot to start.
2.
3. I'd like to see more description here: does Sam ask quietly and pause as she reaches the solemnity of the sick bed? Does she understand much of what's going on? Or does she bound in loudly and repeatedly proclaim it's time to go? Through Sam you can show us how serious this illness is and you can show us more of her personality.
4. Watch those tenses! This should be 'backed'.
5. I'm loving the father figure and how these two play off of one another. Very nice work on the relationship!
6. How old is Jennifer? It's difficult to get a sense of who she is, what connection she has to the family and why she would want to take Sam to get some lunch for one when they're meant to be watching the light display! They've only just got there and Sam has wanted to go forever! I can see a few lines down now that she's the aunt, but she needs to be introduced better and we need to see that close relationship before she attempts to steal his daughter. We also need a greater sense that the light show has been going on for some time.
7. Sam gives in to going home far too easily! Most kids will protest even when they are tired and she seems far too lively to give in without a fight. That felt very off character to me.
8. Wait, he's not going to say goodnight to Sam? He's just going to tell her to go to bed? Seven year olds do not just go to bed because you tell them, not without at least a kiss and tucking in
Overall
You've got some good characters going on hre and some nice descriptions. What I would say is that it moves too quickly and I'm not sure what the over-riding plot is. At the moment, it's a nice section, but not a lot happens in terms of conflict or emotion. How ill is the wife?
I suppose what I'm saying is there's too much happiness and the story doesn't fit your title, not directly at least. I'm not sure what the reader is supposed to take away from this as there's not a conflict to overcome so we can't feel good about the happiness. It's just something which is there.
I hope that helps a little.
Just keep writing!
Heather xx
Hey there
i'm always too lazy to get the thesaurus , so i use just the basic words. But really it gives the story alot to use more unique words.
I'm gonna go ahead and review this little story
It was a very lovely little story. Sounded like a small , loving family that you could find anywhere , but a special father-daughter relationship.
I enjoyed it , but i think it was a bit too narrative. Use more literary devices they help you make the story more spicy , right now it's just very straight forward. Also try to use a thesaurus to find different words not just words like 'nice , cool etc' . I know i have the same problem myself
Also you could describe more what is happening . Right now it's more like a play , just people talking . But if you would add descriptions it would help paint a picture in the reader's mind while reading it .
But in general it was nice , sweet piece of work
Keep writing !
-tteele
Hey there,
So I know you didn't want me to review your story, but I really wanted to so I am. I promised I'm not going to bag on grammar and there's really no reason to because it's mostly okay, just a few here and there. Nothing wasn't so bad that I couldn't read anything and enjoy the story as it was because it was a very sweet story.
You were right when you said it had no climax but that's what I think is really relaxing about this work. It's titled, "Hopeful Dream of a Teenage Boy," and for good reason. Dreams most of the time really have no climax, you're usually thrown in the middle of whatever is going on and somehow it makes sense. That last sentence looking back makes no sense. What I'm trying to say it was just your expression of your daydream for the future which is very simple and sweet.
The story somehow reminded of one of Edgar Degas' paintings of the dancers. He always painted as if he was looking through a keyhole and captured moments from views you wouldn't normally see. That's how I think you write. You capture moments through your writing that are very real and true to you. Whether it be in the past, present, or future or through poetry, I think it's a characteristic of writing all writers want to have. You're just lucky enough to have it.
That wasn't to bad was it?
-Jadefox
Probie234,
I enjoyed your story. It had a straight-forward plot with interesting characters--especially the little girl. However, there are a few things that need improvement. While the story was fine, it was just . . . Fine. There could and should have been some kind of conflict or issue in the story to make the story more interesting and have more depth. At first, I thought the mother had cancer or was seriously ill. She must have had the flu or something, but you should have clearly stated that in the beginning of the story. Another event, I thought that something would bad/dangerous would happen when Jennifer took Sam, but again, nothing interesting happened. In fact, there was really no point in introducing that character into the story, if nothing significant would happen With that character.
"I slowly back out of the driveway, careful not to slip and slide on the ice. I slowly drove towards the town square, very happy that I had all four wheels trying to grip the frozen asphalt."
I thought that this quote was worded a little weirdly, that I had to re-read it twice.
"After 5 minutes of what you could call sliding instead of driving, we arrived near the square. Unfortunately, there was nowhere to park. I had an idea, then drove (slid more like it) to the bank. I pulled into the parking lot and killed the engine."
This quote was completely unnecessary. You just mentioned about sliding(refer to 1st quote) and you just repeated it in this sentence.
""Oh, no. If it isn't Jennifer!" I said loud enough to where I knew she could hear me.
"What are you doing here?" Jennifer said, smiling. She walked up and hugged me.
"Well, I had to bring Sam to see the lights. She's been begging to come since she learned about it."
"Hi, Jennifer!" Sam said loudly."
You keep repeating the word, "said". It gets really boring and irritating. Try to switch it up, and use words like utter, whisper, murmer, etc. ....
Other than that, I enjoyed your story.
Keep on writing!
Dragonrider
Hey Probie!
This story was cute! I loved the characters, especially the little girl!
I was wondering though... where is the story though? There is no real pivotal conflict or big change or excitement, or really anything that makes this story really great. For a while, I thought that the big conflict was when Jennifer came out and took her. I figured that there might be something terrifying that happened! But, no. Not that I mind completely... after all, I like Sam! I am glad that she is okay. Still, it seemed odd that there was nothing dramatic that happened throughout the story.
Anyway! You have a really nice and simple style which I love, and you have a way of making lovely characters that you want to cuddle. So, this is a good thing! Just spice up the story a little, and it'll be fine.
Well, this was a story that I wanted of a special night out with the daughter I hope to have some day. Yes, it is simple. But I figured it added to the cute factor. Thank you for the review!
Hello there! Before I start, I would like to say that I really liked this story. There are two things I noticed, though...
First of all, I found one spelling mistake, which is "asphault." It is supposed to "asphalt" without the "u".
Secondly, I did not see any climax or any ups and downs in the story. It followed a really simple and straight plot, which is NOT necessarily a bad thing. But, of course, it would have been much more interesting if the story had a really big important turning point or climax.
Other than these two things, it is a really well-written short story. I especially enjoyed the beginning. You have started the story with a quotation from a main character, which was really catchy and aroused my interest immediately. Good job and keep up with the great work!
Why thank you! I fixed the misspelling, and I wrote this when I needed something happy to read.
Hello there! Before I start, I would like to say that I really liked this story. There are two things I noticed, though...
First of all, I found one spelling mistake, which is "asphault." It is supposed to "asphalt" without the "u".
Secondly, I did not see any climax or any ups and downs in the story. It followed a really simple and straight plot, which is NOT necessarily a bad thing. But, of course, it would have been much more interesting if the story had a really big important turning point or climax.
Other than these two things, it is a really well-written short story. I especially enjoyed the beginning. You have started the story with a quotation from a main character, which was really catchy and aroused my interest immediately. Good job and keep up with the great work!