long nights and longer mornings

Radrook here for a review

Please feel free to ignore all suggestions found unhelpful. If I offend I apologize, Not my intention,. That having been said,

Thanks for sharing this poem about a person who takes sleeping pills but who seems to remain awake. The speaker seems to be worried about mysterious lines on the wall that will come after him someday to harm him. Seems that his worry is what’s preventing the sleeping pills from having an effect. The person next to him or her tries to reassure him that sleep will come. Falls asleep before he does and as he contemplates her lying there, he only hopes that before the sun rises he also will fall asleep and dream.

I like the mood of the poem. It is sort of a dreamy tone that goes very well with the theme. Being an insomniac, I can well appreciate the agony involved. Funny how the other person dozes off while the insomniac remains there watching and hoping.

Suggestions

In my case, the poem would have been easier to read and understand with regular punctuation.



[I] dissolve my sleeping pills under my tongue[.]

[B]y the time they are gone[,]

[I] can tell if [I] will dream tonight[.]



[T]he dark is not kind to my mind[.] [....darkness is unkind.]

[I] see shadows in the lines of the wall[.] [what lines?]

[O]ne day, [I] know

they [intended] to consume me[.]



[I]nstead i try closing my eyes[.] [Instead of what?]

[I] try hearing the tired in your chide when you say

"[I]t's so easy baby, trust me, it will come"

[B]ut you're laying there, sleeping [http://www.differencebetween.net/language/difference-between-lying-and-laying/]

and [I]'m sitting here, praying

that before the sun dawns[,]

[I] will be dreaming too[.]

Nobunagas,

Wow, this poem has a lot of emotion and vulnerability here. The tone is very telling, because there is a sense of matter-of-fact. I think this is achieved by the simplicity in the statements, so all is fact. "I dissolve my sleeping pills" ~ "the dark is not kind to my mind" ~ "I try hearing the tired" all of these lines are said simply, stated, and it paints this picture that everything has happened before and will happen again.

It paints this kind of helplessness, where we hear the narrator admit "I know / they will come to consume me" and it feels powerful, it feels like the struggle is there - these long nights and these longer mornings - but the reality of the helplessness - if the pills aren't working, what else is there to do but close your eyes and hope that something beyond your control comes? It was a brilliant piece that really put me in those shoes.

I think the ending I am of two minds with. On the one hand, I understand how a person could try to fight something and upon failing, use humor and irony to cope! I also liked how abrupt and unfinished the poem feels by the end. It feels as if the narrator just gives up writing the poem, and perhaps this was intentional like the narrator gives up hoping for sleep to come -- it's already the next morning, time's up, after all.

On the other hand. It really does feel anticlimatic xD But I suppose that should be a lesson that we can't have it all, no?

I hope this helps! I can't stop praising it enough.

~ as always, Audy

Hey, Nobunaga!

I don't normally review poetry because grammar is subjective to poets, apparently (jokes), and I don't know how to go about critiquing the actual content of poems? But I really liked this!

Obviously the narrator has-- insomnia? I like the way you describe it. There's also a sense of fear, though, beyond the insomnia, that I pick up on, in these lines:

the dark is not kind to my mind

i see shadows in the lines of the wall

one day, i know

they will come to consume me

by the time they are gone

i can tell if i will dream tonight

Hello!

I think a lot of people can relate to this piece. It really speaks of the inability to sleep.

However, there are a few mistakes. I know poetry has different grammar rules but (I’m not positive) shouldn’t the “I”s be capitalized? And the beginning of every line needs a capital letter as well. Otherwise, it’s fantastic!

~ScarredSecrets