I listened to the mello cello played by such a fellow. The soothing tune of the cello erased the heating June, filling only the thoughts of this fellow who was below the raising curtains that was forced to be hanging like heavy burdens.
“Such a tune!” The prune man spoke.
“Such a cello that blooms.” The woman inhaled her fumes.
The woman holding her caged little birds chirped, “Do words, do words!”
The cello continued to play during the heating day, not a tune missed which had already reached being blissed. I listened and listened. When he had stopped, the world had flopped. The curtains had finally settled, as if it was kettled. I arose and ran. I ran and I had to plan, for my next move to find this fellow. I pushed the viewers, I pushed through the reviewers, I couldn’t stop. My drop of anxious sweat dripped, as I ran. I saw him, walking through the alleys like to straw. I turned and found nothing, leaving my heart to be burned. Nothing. He wasn’t there. I tried to bare my feelings as I walked back to the streets. The birds chirped for their treats, the trees swayed of which they bathed in the wind. I felt a drop of rain that touched my cheeks, and which the air reeks. That was my drop, a drop of tear. I couldn’t bare it any longer.
“Father…”
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140,885 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
Hi
I really liked this short story - the rhyme especially made it really interesting and I even read it aloud to myself and it sounded lovely... It must have been quite hard to get all the rhyme in but it works really well
The story itself was also really intriguing - lots of really nice sound effect and images... I really liked the line '“Such a cello that blooms.” The woman inhaled her fumes.' The ending of the story also added so much to it
Just a few things that I found:
- the second sentence is really nice but (this might just be me) is quite long so perhaps you could break it into two sentences just so it's easier to appreciate the ideas expressed
- 'My drop of anxious sweat dripped, as I ran.' - I don't think you need a comma here - there were a few other places too in the passage - perhaps read it through to yourself again just to check
I thought it was really beautiful - good job
Keep writing
Heyyaa, NoOneReallySpecial!!
This is Eros here to write a review for this beautiful short story!!
So, let us begin by commenting on the title. A good title should be catchy, attractive and captivating. I am glad to say that the title of your short story fulfills all the above stated criterias and has all the characteristics!!
The next thing which comes is the choice of set of the words. I appreciate your choice of set of the words! They are really amazing, simple and sweet.
Now, the theme and the main idea which forms the basis of the story. I like the theme of this stuff which was indeed unique. It had basically the idea of making a story by using as many alliterations as possible.
Now the things which I loved the most about your short story:
1) I liked how you made use of the literary device, alliteration
2) I liked how you have presented the thoughts and ideas.
Everything was really BEAUTIFUL!!
AMAZING work!
Now, I would like to end up my review by saying thses lines:
Keep writing...
Never cease...
Because we all love to keep reading such unique and awesome works like this one!!
Have a great day/ evening!!
Hello there!
First of all, welcome to YWS and I hope you enjoy your time here.
I really can not say much about this work which is a complain because you are a very good writer as I see from your work and you use your vocabulary well. Maybe the only thing I could say is that you do not need so many commas because we do not stop there and in general we do not put so many commas. Of course it depends on the sentence. Maybe reading out loud each sentence is a good idea because I make the same mistakes as you and I try to correct them by reading out loud the problematic parts. The ending is really harmonic and beautiful.
Maybe I just like the way you describe the scenery. Details are never something not needed in a good story even if short. I am not sure about this sentence but I will still mention it :
I think it needs to be 'arosed' because in this sentence you had used 'ran' which is the past form of 'run'. Logically, you need to use the past form of 'arose' too. Of course, if this is alright with the context, you can change it.
Good job and I hope you keep on writing.I hope you like it here.
Hi, NoOneReallySpecial! Mage here to review your awesome short story!
First off, welcome to Young Writers Society! If you ever have any questions, feel free to ask me. I'll try my best to help you out.
The ending of the story was my favorite part of it. With one simple word, the story suddenly takes on an entirely different meaning. I just want to tell you that even though I'm going to critique your story, I really like it.
My first suggestion is about how things rhyme. It's an interesting way to tell a story, but if you choose to rhyme, it would (in my opinion) work better as a poem. You could also take out the rhymes altogether, but I know how hard it is to write something that rhymes.
My next suggestion is about commas. Sometimes you use commas when you don't need to. Like with these two sentences:
My third and fourth suggestions are about dialogue. I'm still learning how to write dialogue properly, so I could be wrong. I'll use this sentence as an example.
The "." after "blooms" should be a comma, and "the" should be lowercased. You did the same thing with "the" when the prune man was talking.
You're a really good writer, and I can't wait to see what others things you'll put on YWS. If you have any questions about my review, please ask. I don't want you to be confused.
Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! Have a great day/night!
Ah, thank you for your suggestions! I decided to join the YWS because I wanted less biased reviews since I only share my stories to my friends. Your reviews are really helpful and I'll remember them as I write! Thank you again and have a great year