Katie McKesson tucked a windblown strand of hair back beneath her stripy woolly hat before crouching down to snap another picture. She didn't know how long the snow would last, but there was no way she’d miss an opportunity like this.
“Do you really want to be late on the first day back?” Sarah asked impatiently. “You know how cranky you get when you’re late….”
Katie glanced at Sarah, sticking her tongue out before turning to take another photo of the flowers outside Winter Mill High’s gate. “The bell's about to go...” Sarah warned.
Katie straightened up with a sigh. She was taller than her best friend by a few centimetres, something Sarah always complained about, though Katie couldn't see that it made much difference. “Come on Sarah.. Look, these roses are covered in snow and it’s only the first week of September!”
“I know right?” Sarah agreed, shaking her long curly brown hair out of her perfectly made up dark eyes, “It’s weird. I mean, maybe one snow fall is alright but it’s too early for it to be snowing like this, you’d think it was Christmas. The whole town just looks like one giant greeting card!”
“Exactly!” said Katie, taking another photo, “which is why I’m taking these photos. They will make a great story in The Miller!”
Sarah snorted. “Sure, because it’s not as if the school paper will be sending in pictures of their really cool snowmen.” Katie stared at her friend, knowing she was teasing. “Are you calling me a dork?”
There was a brief silence, “So….” asked Sarah, changing the subject, “any news from your dad this morning?”
Katie sighed and shook her head. “No”
“So he hasn't sent any emails than? Or called?”
“Nope.”
Sarah was quiet for another moment before she said brightly, “Oh well, he’s probably just really busy or something. Where’s the latest dig?”
Katie took one last picture and straightened up again, fitting the lens cap on her Canon G1X. It had been a Christmas present from her father the previous year, the most expensive thing he’d ever gotten her. The plan was that when she was older Katie would join him on one of his archaeology trips as an intern photographer. She couldn't wait; it was something Katie had wanted to do for ages. To actually visit all the incredible places her father had told her about, with him there too, it would be awesome. Until then though Katie wished he could find a way to keep in touch more often while he was away. Sometimes it took weeks before she even heard anything from him and Katie was worried, though she tried to hide it. “He’s in Tanzania.”
Sarah frowned. “What? In Australia?”
“Nooo... Sarah, that’s Tasmania. Tanzania is in Africa”
“Oh.. Well there you go then! The mail probably just isn't very good there, right? Or phones or the internet…”
Despite herself Katie grinned, pulling her friend into a brief hug. “Thanks Sarah.”
“For what?” She questioned a little confused.
“For trying to make me feel better”.
Sarah hugged her back. “That’s what friends are for.” She smiled cheerfully.
The sudden noise of a loud car made the both of them jump. They turned to see a sleek black Cadillac slide to a halt a few meters away from them, wheels carved deep into the snow.
“Oh my god!” Sarah squealed in excitement. “I bet that’s him!”
“Who?”
“The new kid! Xavier!”
The two girls watched as the passenger door opened and a boy of about sixteen stepped out. He was tall, broad-shouldered and had very pale blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He slung his schoolbag over his shoulder and reached to push his hair back out of his eyes as he glanced up at the school.
“Oh my god” Sarah gushed. “He’s gorgeous. Take a picture!”
“What?”
“For the paper. You know. You could do a story, about… About his arrival! And the whole Peters mystery”
“The Peters mystery? What are you talking about?”
“The whole town is talking about it. Come on Katie, don’t tell me you haven’t heard it? I mean, you must have heard about the Peters arriving?”
Katie had but didn't pay much attention to it. Everyone was so excited about the fact that Tracey Peters, the fabulously wealthy heiress had bought the old mansion in the woods.
“I know, the whole town seems so fascinated by them.” Said Katie “But I just don’t get what is so mysterious.”
Sarah sighed dramatically as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing. “Katie. Why on earth would the richest person in America buy a house here, in quiet old winter mill?” she asked, repeating what many people in the town were saying. “She could go anywhere; Los Angeles, Rome, Spain.. But she came here.” She paused for a dramatic effect, “and nobody knows why,”
“Well maybe she just wanted somewhere quiet, where no one would talk about her?” Katie suggested wryly.
“Come on. Just take a picture Katie” Sarah urged.
“Okay, okay...” she unhooked her lens cap and raised the camera but before she could take the photo the driver’s door swung open. A tall, pale man appeared shouting at them in an unpleasant, raspy voice. His narrow face looked as if someone had taken a skull and covered it with skin coloured paint, it was so bony. His eyes were sunken in to their sockets, dark and cruel looking. Just looking at him freaked Katie out.
“No pictures!” he said harshly.
“It’s just for the school paper” Katie stated.
“I said, No pictures!” he repeated.
“It’s okay Barry.” Xavier said, pushing the car door shut. “I got it. Go back and see mum. “
The man stared coldly at Katie looking her up and down before slowly climbing back into the car again. A moment later the Cadillac pulled away and drove off.
“Wow my first locals” said the boy with a slight smile playing at his lips as he reached them.
“Hi” said Katie, slightly thrown off balance by her run-in with the man called, Barry. “So you’re Xavier Peters? It’s nice to meet you. I’m Katie and this is Sarah..”
Xavier looked them both up and down. “So you’re like… What? The top girl reporters of this small town National Enquirer. Huh?”
Katie narrowed her eyes, “The National Enquirer?”
Xavier smirked. “Yeah. It’s a trash mag.”
“I know what it is” Katie watched, annoyed as Xavier turned on his most charming smile. It showed his perfectly white, even teeth. “It’s... Funny, sometimes”
Katie refused to be charmed, still upset by his trash mag comment. “Sure it is”
There was a brief, awkward pause. “Sorry,” Xavier muttered. “That was supposed to be a joke. I guess I’m more nervous than I thought. It’s my first day..”
Katie shook her head, “It’s fine”
Xavier looked up at her with a mischievous look in his eyes. “No? Seriously.. Are you sure? Because you don’t look fine. You look angry. Your eyes are flashing.”
“Oh, don’t worry about” Sarah piped up before Katie could answer. “They always do it. Her whole family has these crazy green eyes,”
Xavier’s eyebrows shot up, “crazy green eyes?”
“Oh, no” said Sarah realizing what she had said, “I didn't mean it like.. Not crazy, crazy … I meant they are just, you know, really green.”
Xavier laughed. “Well that’s good, ‘Crazy Katie’ isn't much of a nickname”
Katie found her voice. “I don’t have a nickname, and uh please ignore my best friend, she’s, let’s just say... challenged”
Sarah gasped in outrage, “Hey!”
Xavier laughed again, “If you two are representative of the whole school I think my stay here might be interesting after all”
Katie smiled sweetly. “Does this mean you will let me take a photo for the school paper?”
Xavier shrugged, “Maybe. How about we make a deal? You let me give you a nickname and I’ll let you take my picture?”
Katie shook her head, “Oh I don’t think so”
Xavier sighed regretfully. “Too late. I’ve already thought of the perfect nickname for you. Flash. I think it suits you.”
“Flash?” Katie repeated, horrified.
“Sure. For your green eyes and your addiction to taking pictures. Perfect isn't it?” he grinned.
“Actually, that is pretty good.” Sarah commented with a nod.
Xavier smiled at her. “Thank you. It’s a talent of mine. One of many.” He flashed one of his signature smiles again.
Katie dug an elbow into Sarah’s ribs, “You will not call me Flash! No one’s going to call me Flash!”
“Aw, come on, Flash, don’t be a spoil sport,” teased Xavier.
“I’m not ..” Katie began, but Xavier had already started walking away.
Katie and Sarah watched as he headed for Winter Mill High’s main doors. “Hey!” Katie called suddenly. “I didn't get to take your picture!”
The boy looked over his shoulder with a grin but didn’t stop. Katie raised her camera to her eye and captured a couple of quick shots before he disappeared into the building.
“Oh... My… God!!” Sarah breathed, “isn’t he just the most gorgeous boy you’ve ever seen?” she squealed.
Katie shook her head unsure whether to be ashamed or amused. Flash – He’d called her Flash! What a horrible nickname.
“Come on,” she said to Sarah running for the doors as the bell rang. “We’re late!”
“Hey, wait up!” Sarah called after her. “So are you going to write about the Peters mystery, or not?”
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137,545 Literary Works • 672,042 Reviews
Oh darn. Sorry for that second one, no idea why that popped up. Hope this was just marked as a comment.
Hey! I'm so sorry that this took so long, but here I am now ^_^
In your first paragraph I'm a little confused as to why you added "y" after every adjective. It makes it sound a little strange and attracts the reader's attention to where it doesn't need to go.
As for the intro I liked it. You told who the main character was and already started giving her personality. The only thing that I don't like about how you introduce characters is that you give their entire name. It's okay to do that for the main character, but for those that aren't mains they don't really need that.
Your dialogue seems to be a bit erratic in the sense that it doesn't really stay on subject or have any correlation with what's happening in the story. First Sarah is scolding Katie because they're going to be late, and then they get to talking about flowers and snow. I feel like this skip is a little too big and that you should ease into the subject a little more.
These flowers seem like they're really pretty and you make me want to see what they look like. Here is where you could add in a bit of imagery. Throughout your writing it seems a little bland only because you don't describe things as much as you could, or if you do you end up describing the wrong thing. Try to tap into the reader's five senses and then they will really get into the story.
This arrival of Xavier seems a bit random. I realize you were probably planning it from the beginning, but this is the first mentioning of this new student. Perhaps if you found a subtle way to foreshadow his arrival things would seem less random to the reader. I must admit though, I love your description of him and Sarah's reaction. She acts like the typical school girl and it just cracks me up XD
Now onto some grammar points. There were some parts that should have been capitalized here that weren't. Proper nouns and things such as those, if I were you I would go back and read some things over.
Okay, this was pretty good overall. I'm interested in seeing where it's going to go, what I would fix though is Katie. Her reaction to everything that Xavi does is kind of overboard. At first she just seems like the total camera geek that has no interest in anything but pictures, so when you give her that feeling of interest in Xavi it kind of confuses me. I personally think you did the best job with Sarah, and that perhaps, you could help solve the Katie problem with more of her thoughts. Also make sure that you're transitions are smooth and don't hop around too much. Other than those things and imagery this was great! Keep up the good work!
Sushi
Hey
Umaima here to review your piece today
Okay so I am going to give you this review by dividing it into 5 points.
1. The plot was nice and worth reading and I re all enjoyed it. There were many points in the story which grabbed my attention well and trust me when I say I loved it.
2. The descriptions were so clear and I could understand each and everything you mentioned.
3. Grammar and punctuation was perfect. I mean it's really hard to find such nice pieces sometimes but today I guess I am lucky.
4. I loved ot a lot
5. I loved ot hehe
Actually I also have to say that the characters were amazing too
Happy review day
Umaima
Hey there!
Slushy here with another review! Looks like a lot of people already pointed out grammar and such. But I found a couple more things.
First thing I noticed is the use of ellipses. Way too many and most of them are unnecessary.
'Greeting' not 'greetings.'
There are quite a few places where italics have been used and there are no spaces between those words and the non-italic words.
Need a comma here. And the 'b' should be lowercased.
The 'n' in no should be lowercased.
There are a couple of places where periods should be there instead of commas. If you read through it, I'm sure you'd find those places! They seem more like accidents.
Overall, this is a good idea. I also have the same problem as Deanie. I feel like this might get clichéd. I know this is only the first chapter but like I said in my other review, set your story apart from others! This definitely has potential!
Keep writing!
Hey Nina,
Well, you've got a nice story here. You've already got some great reviews here as well so I'll just try to add what I can. I won't go into any of the technical details though because EnigmaticSpirit already tackled all of those. So I will just talk about the story.
You started off with a nice little setting scene because Katie was taking a picture, which was a nice way of setting it off. You also built up the characters nicely, with Sarah and Katie. The idea of a celebrity moving to a small time town is interesting, and also the mystery why bit to the story. One of my key problems with this is that this story might get clichéd. I mean, you wrote it well and it's a good idea. But I can see this has happened in many other stories. Firstly, the best friend is a fan of the famous new kid, but the main character doesn't care much. And almost because of this the famous person falls for this main character. And then there's the mystery about why they're there and because they are close she can do a lot more investigating than she could when they weren't together. (Although that's not the reason they got together)
I know this is just the beginning, but I see the story is perfectly laid out for this type of story. Don't let it be. Make your story something individual, different and unique. It'll become a lot more memorable to the people who read it then.
Other than that, I don't have any real problems with your story. Everything's been covered! Just watch out for falling into the clichéd category there.
Let me know on my wall or in that thread I gave you when the next chapter is up! I would love to read it
Deanie x
Hey, EnigmaticSpirit here to review your chapter. Sorry if I make any spelling or grammatical mistakes, I am deaf.
I'll start off by saying that this was a rather intriguing and interesting piece. You did well to present the characters as having their own individual personalities which is fantastic. I have the feeling that I will come to despise Xavier for his sheer arrogance in your further chapters. Your dialogue is also very realistic as well as your characters' responses to certain words.
However, there's a few nitpicks that I'd like to make. I've corrected them for you highlighted in red:
You needed a comma in "bell's" as it is an abbreviation of the "bell is".
The capital "a" is not needed. It should be a lower-case "a" instead.
The "o" needed to be capitalised.
You were missing commas here. You do this several more times.
Also, there's no need to capitalise a letter after an ellipses. Ellipses are also three dots long.
One last thing that I'd like to point out:
[/quote]
This paragraph is worded strangely. It doesn't seem to flow right and is considered to be what I'd describe as "clunky". My suggestion is that you could reword this paragraph in order for it to flow more naturally. However, this is up to you as you are the author of this piece, not me!
Overall, this was a good piece that has potential within it. The plot of the story looks as if it's going to be rather engaging and intriguing. I want to find out more about these characters and who they are. I also like your writing style as it makes your piece even more interesting. I see a lot of potential within you and I hope to see you write even more.
Thank you, I'll fix my mistakes now ^.^ I'll be sure to link you the next chapter if you wish
Hello! My name is Gummy, and I'll be reviewing this chapter.
I really liked the realism in the way Katie and Sarah reacted to how Xavier spoke to them. On the topic of realism, Katie's worry for her father, Sarah's airheadedness, and Xavier's innocence, make the characters imperfect and, as such, relatable.
I believe you're clear enough on the topic of grammar and punctuation, a matter which the previous reviewers have pointed out, so I won't go into this topic again. Now, Xavier's approach to the girls was something that really caught me off-guard. I expected a rich kid to act more flippant or arrogant, denoting his class. Even if one of the girls caught my eye, I still wouldn't go as far as to force a nickname on her on the first day we ever speak. I don't know, it all just sounded too natural, if you get what I mean.
Nevertheless, I am very curious as to whether or not the lack of news from his father has anything to do with the Peters moving in, and I also want to see which path this story takes, what with both of the aforementioned mysteries clouding the otherwise lighthearted, romantic tone the story presents. I hope to read more from you in the (hopefully near) future.
This is very good work, so I implore you to keep writing. You have talent.
Hey Nina! Sparkle here to review!
First off, I'm just going to nitpick some formatting. Why is half of it in italics? Also, you missed some punctuation here and there. Many people don't think the punctuation of a piece is as important as the actual content, but unless the formatting and punctuation is correct, your story may not be taken as seriously as you would like. It's distracting and takes away from the story.
I really like your style of writing. You have a very unique voice and the way you write captures the attention of the reader. Your writing is easy to read and flows smoothly without boring boring.
I really like that you named two of your characters Katie McKesson and Xavier. However, I didn't really like the name Sarah Johnston because it is very similar to Sarah Johnson, which is a very overused last name. That's a very minor detail, though, so don't bother changing it if you like it the way it is.
Your description of the different characters in this chapter is very informative and well-done. I got a really good idea of the different personalities in your story from this chapter.
Overall, very good job! Keep writing, I can't wait to read more!
Thank you so much
I'll correct the punctuation later on tonight.
The Messenger here to review for the Knights of the Green Room.
What I'm going to do on this review is post problems as I see them, and then put a summary at the end.
Just skimming through I noticed that you have half of your story in normal writing, and then another half in italics. That should be fixed.
Sarah was quite
It should be quiet. also, I noticed that you parts where where you have talking combined with explanatory sentences. It's fine to do that as long as it is all from the same person, but this paragraph should be divided.
Katie McKesson tucked a windblown strand of hair back beneath her stripy woolly hat before crouching down to snap another picture. She didn’t know how long the snow would last, but there was no way she’d miss an opportunity like this. “Do you really want to be late on the first day back?” Sarah Johnston asked impatiently. “You know how cranky you get when you’re late….”
It should be re-done it like this.
Katie McKesson tucked a windblown strand of hair back beneath her stripy woolly hat before crouching down to snap another picture. She didn’t know how long the snow would last, but there was no way she’d miss an opportunity like this.
“Do you really want to be late on the first day back?” Sarah Johnston asked impatiently. “You know how cranky you get when you’re late….”
I know that doesn't change it a whole lot, but when you do that with all your paragraphs, then it will help.
also, i spotted several more times where you had quite instead of quiet.
“Wow my first locals” said the boy with a slight smile playing at his lips as he reached them. “Hi”
You are missing punctuation with both of these dialogue lines. i noticed it a couple more times as well.
Now the story seems somewhat mysterious with the Peter's mystery, but I don't think I'll be reading anymore. Your writing is pretty good, but it just doesn't seem to the type of stuff I read. Good job though.
Keep it up!