Published January 30, 2014
Two beautiful rare birds are in a cage.
Their master keeps them there, they never went outside, never sang their sweet songs in the spring, never had anyone else but each other to lean on and comfort.
Always alone in their little cage, when they did go out the cage it would never be farther then the stretched out finger of their master.
But one day, their master wasn't there anymore, while the majestic birds slept their master left, and in the midst of the night a warm swift wind rattled the cage and opened the seal. In the morning the birds didn't know what to do. Even though they could leave and sing their songs and make friends, they never did in fear that as soon as they finally had a taste of freedom, their master would return and punish them for their disobedience. So day after day they never left because they had spent all their lives with their master and now they were tamed, so tamed that they never came out of the cage unless they were told to by their master. That is what they thought.
Each day the aspect of freedom, the temptation to spread their wings, and the thrill of rebellion would naw at their conscious, ideas of the world outside their cage leaked into their minds, ever so slowly unraveling it. Convictions began to shatter under the weight of their own desire.
Unknown to the majestic birds , cold dark threads creeped up to their minds, souls, and hearts, and clung to them like leeches feeding off of their desire and thriving more then ever before.
Finally, the birds were consumed entirely by the cold threads that had long since grown into long claw-like fingers.
Each time the cold fingers clutched harder onto the birds, one of their beautiful colorful feathers would fall to the ground. Then one day, they didn't have any beautiful feathers anymore. In the blackest of nights the birds finally left their cage , but they didn't leave as majestic birds but as black ravens with red beady eyes filled with despair and yet desire.
The birds were tainted.
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141,338 Literary Works • 674,350 Reviews
Hello Nikki!
Anyway, I think that you have a great title for this story. It is simple, but has depth and I love titles that can be both at the same time. I feel like Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban is a bit to long, don't you think? Anyway, on shall I go with my review? I just have a few suggestions and comments to make for you.
Happy Valentine's Day and Happy YWS Olympics! I first would like to welcome you to YWS because you are practically new! It's really good to see people participate here and I certainly love reviewing the things that come in from new members. Although, you are quite experienced here, so it seems. You done some reviews and have some things submitted and I congratulate you for that. I also offer you my assistance here if the time should come, because I'll be there to help!
"Two beautiful rare birds are in a cage.
Their master keeps them there, they never went outside, never sang their sweet songs in the spring, never had anyone else but each other to lean on and comfort."
I think that the first sentence is just a bit too simple and it doesn't show us a lot of the image. For the second sentence that you have here, I think that you could place a semicolon here where the first comma is places, or at least separate them into two or more sentences otherwise it seems like a fragment to run-on. I'm really not that good in grammar and punctuation, but I an usually tell what seems wrong. It is really only a minor detail in this great piece.
"Always alone in their little cage, when they did go out the cage it would never be farther then the stretched out finger of their master."
I feel like this is separated and should really be two different sentences. Or change it so that it reads like this,"They grew timid with each lonely day that they never went farther than the stretched finger of their master."
"But one day, their master wasn't there anymore, while the majestic birds slept their master left, and in the midst of the night a warm swift wind rattled the cage and opened the seal. " I feel like this sentence isn't finished but continues on and sounds like a very long fragment. Perhaps you might word it this way?
"It wasn't until one night, that their master left without a word, and was no longer there. Their master unaware of the draft. A draft that would rattle the cage, opening the seal." Something like this.
Other than these few things, I think that this was a great piece, albeit, a bit saddening. Keep on writing!
~ Magenta
I sort of understand where you're trying to go with this, but at the same time I don't.
Okay my very few comments: If they "never had mates of sorts" what were the birds to each other? You talk about the masters a lot, but if they lived in such confines the birds would surely have something? That part just confused me a bit.
My understanding of this is that we as humans are birds and we're constrained by standards(the cage), how we're so tainted by these standards we'd rather conform than escape and essentially lose ourselves because of this.
However, I don't think the message of this is entirely clear, so maybe establishing their experiences in the cage could help?
I agree with the previous comment though, you definitely need to split it into paragraphs.
I did like the concept though(if I interpreted it correctly) and that with a few changes it could be amazing.
Your absolutely right, I had honestly written this piece a while ago and I had used my experience to write it. But I never really thought of how readers would interpret it, I was being selfish because I was the only one understanding it. Thank you so much! Yes, I do have to clarify lots of things, and I will work on it! On the topic of separating the paragraph I'll study more on literature writing, thank you for pointing it out. You have been extremely helpful.
Before even beginning to read this, I can already tell that you're going to need to separate this into paragraphs. The paragraph that you have now is too long and it has already began to sap away my will to read this.
Your second sentence needs to be broken up into separate sentences. There are two different ideas in it.
I enjoy your imagery, but I can't help but to feel lost in this piece. I can't understand this piece. I can't find the deeper meaning. Why did they turn into ravens; why were they tainted?
Yes of course, I'm really sorry. I'll work on clarifying it further and separating it in paragraphs thank you so much, your review has been helpful and I will work hard to meet expectations.