Chapter Two
The days past slowly. Dani and the others spent most of their time in a half-asleep, half-awake state. The constant rocking back and forth of the boat had become quite nauseating. The crew had started taking a few people up on deck each day, for some fresh air. But this did nothing to help those who were left behind.
Dani awoke one morning to a hushed rattling from the lock on the door of their prison, like someone attempting to unlock it without disturbing anybody. She slowly sat up and rubbed her eyes. After all there was no reason to hurry. The only things to look forward to, were the food that one of the crew would bring, and the chance of being picked to have the day up on deck.
Yawning and stretching, Dani turned to face the door just as it yearned opened. Standing in the doorway stood a young man of about sixteen or seventeen years of age. She thought there was something vaguely familiar about him. Something about his short mud brown hair and bright green eyes that gave her the feeling that they were acquainted. But try as she might, she could not remember where she had seen him before. Probably when boarding the ship, she thought.
Still standing in the doorway, he glanced around the space, disgust flickering across his face. Then, as if remembering he had a job to do, he shook his head, and turned his focus to an older woman who was sitting by the door. Her hair was grubby and she held a small bundle that cried. Leaning over, he whispered something to her. To answer, the woman pointed to where Dani sat. Nodding his head in thanks, he made his way through the maze of people over to Dani.
“Um… Danielle Took?” he asked.
It surprised Dani, hearing him say her name.
“Yes?”
Instead of replying, he gestured for her to follow him. He turned and started making his way back to the door.
Getting to her feet, somewhat unsteadily, she begun to follow him. She had just made her way through without any trouble, when the ship tilted, causing her to lose her balance. And before she could regain it again, she tripped over her own feet, sending her flying forward, towards the young man. Dani hit him with the force of a crumbling wall, sending them both to the floor with a thud.
As quickly as she fell, Dani was back up again. Her cheeks flashed hot with embarrassment. He probably already thinks of me as a convict with no morals or manners and now a klutz as well. She thought.
“Sorry.” She quickly mumbled as she held out her hand to help him up. After a moment’s hesitation, he took it. With a quick pull, he was soon on his feet again.
“Well, I can see ya still don’t have your sea legs.” He said with a smile.
“Yeah, well, it’s a bit hard to get them when you don’t get a lot of chances to walk down here.” Dani shot back, not returning his smile. This, instantly, made his smile disappear.
“It doesn’t matter, anyway. You’ll get them soon enough.” He shut the door, locked it, then turned and headed down the corridor, towards the stairs Dani had only been down once since boarding the ship. It was obvious he expected her to follow him, so she quickly ran to catch up.
“So…” she said after a few moments of walking in an awkward silence, “who are you and where are you taking me exactly?”
“One of the Marines’ wife is sick and he wanted to find someone to look after her. He picked you because he saw how you comforted the other convicts down there,” He gestured over his shoulder at where they had just come from, “and he was hoping you would be able to help comfort his wife as well.”
He came to the stairway to the next level of the ship just then. He took the stairs two at a time. Then stopping half way up, he turned and said, “My name’s Nate by the way.”
Then he continued his climb up the stairs. Dani followed as quickly as possible. When she reached the top, she was blinded by the bright sunlight. Blinking rapidly, she gave her eyes a moment to adjust. As soon as she could see again, she glanced around, noticing some other crew members working not far away. After all that time being locked down in the hold, it seemed so strange to see them. Turning back to Nate, she saw he was already moving, so she, again, raced after him.
They quickly made it to the cabin area of the ship. It was where most of the Marines and free settlers stayed. Dani started to fidget with her dress and hair. What do I know of being a maid? What if I do something wrong and they send me back to the Hold? She thought to herself. So there and then she made up her mind to be a perfect servant.
Nate suddenly stopped outside a cabin with the number 4 engraved in its door. Giving her a small smile, he walked up and rapped on the door. After only a moment a short, plump woman opened it. Looking from Nate and to Dani, and then back again. She looked slightly confused. Had they gotten the wrong room? Dani wondered.
“Officer Williams told me to bring Mrs Williams a maid to help her out while she is feeling poorly, miss. I hope you don’t mind.” An unfazed Nate explained.
“Mind? Why not at all. In fact it is just what dear Hanna needs, seeing how she supposed to stay off her feet and all. I can’t be here all the time, you know. I’ve my own family to take care of.” She chirped, “Well, why don’t you bring the young lady in and we’ll get her organized.” She said as she ushered them into the cabin, before either could protest.
The cabin was rather small with two bunks built into the wall on one side, and shelves and a cupboard on the other. In between sat a lonely rocking chair. And in the rocking sat a small petty woman with a long, brown braid over her small shoulder.
“Why, Hanna dear, look what John got for you. Your own personal maid. Come here, girl. Let her get a look at you.” The lady said beckoning to Dani.
Stepping forward, Dani felt shabby and dirty. Out of habit, she pulled at piece of her dark red hair. Would this lady approve of her? Sighing, she released her hair, straitened her shoulders and lifted her head. Whatever happens, happens.
Standing there in front of her could-be mistress, Dani stood tall. For a moment she just looked over the top of Mrs Williams head, but then she ventured to look her in the eye. Dani was surprised to find a faint look of approval on her face. With a small nod, Mrs William smiled.
Then turning to Nate, she said: “Thank you for delivering her.”
“Yes. It was very thoughtful of you.” said the other lady.
“Not thoughtfulness Mrs Davis. I was just doing my job. Now if you will excuse me, I’ve got work to get back to.” And with that, Nate opened the door and left.
Dani felt slightly uncomfortable seeing him leave. She had felt at ease around him, and now she was left with these strange two women. What would happen now? What was she to do? She hoped she would find out soon.
Turning her attention back to the women in the room, she stood there silently, not sure what she should do next.
“So… what is your name, dear?” Mrs Williams asked.
“Dani. I mean, Danielle Took, ma’am.” Dani answered, lifting her head slightly. She had been named after her, now dead, mother and she felt proud to be.
Mrs Williams stared at Dani for a moment, shock clearly written on her face. Then her expression changed from shock to a look of understanding.
“Yes… yes, you do seem like a Took.” she said, smiling.
End of chapter
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*The days past slowly.- The days pass slowly.
*The crew had started taking a few people up on deck each day, for some fresh air. But this did nothing to help those who were left behind.- This might sound better if you combined these two sentences with a comma.
*to a hushed rattling from the lock- to a hushed rattling of the lock
*forward to, were the- you don't need this comma
*Standing in the doorway stood a young man- Either 'Standing in the doorway was a young man' or 'In the doorway stood a young man'
*Her cheeks flashed hot with- did you mean 'were flushed'?
*klutz as well. She thought- klutz as well, she thought.
*With a quick pull, he was soon on his feet again.- I would take out that 'soon' because it is unnecessary
*sea legs.” He said- sea legs," he said
*He shut the door, locked it, then turned and headed down the corridor, towards the stairs Dani had only been down once since boarding the ship. - I would make this two different sentences
*He gestured- he gestured
*He came to the stairway to the next level of the ship just then- it would flow better if you moved 'just then' to the beginning
*As soon as she could see again, she glanced around, noticing some other crew members working not far away.- the 'she glanced around' can be taken out
*the Hold? She thought- is 'she' supposed to capitalized?
*Nate suddenly stopped outside a cabin with the number 4 engraved in its door. Giving her a small smile, he walked up and rapped on the door.- I feel like these two sentences would sound better combined. You could try "Nate suddenly stopped outside of a cabin, and, giving her a small smile, rapped on the door with a number 4 engraved into it."
*Looking from Nate and to Dani- Looking from Nate to Dani
*bring Mrs Williams - bring Mrs. Williams
*mind.” An unfazed Nate- mind," an unfazed Nate
*care of.” She chirped- care of," she chirped
*small petty woman with- I feel like the word petty is typically used to describe personality, so this doesn't make so much sense here
*you.” The lady- you," the lady
I think you're a great writer and just need to check over your work for little mistakes. I've listed quite a few for you, each will take only a moment. I think you have a good plot going on here and I wonder if Nate and Dani will get together hmmm? Keep writing:)
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Keep it coming.

Thanks for telling me that you'd posted more of this! I appreciate it. ^ ^
Well now I'm curious about this new character that you have brought in. This Nate person. I'm wondering if he's just a sailor or if he's someone somehow important. Judging from his age, I'm figuring he's just a common sailor, but we'll see. But then again... he doesn't have the manners of a sailor. Ones of a gentleman, really, which is always refreshing to read with. I really hope that in the future, we get to know this character more and more because as I'm reading about him, I'm just falling more and more in love with his short, almost sarcastic replies.
And then your last line. Whoaaah. I was waiting for some interrogation on what her family is, how much backround she has in being a maid, and so forth. No, instead I find out that this lady knows her family. And I was like, Wait, what? Not to mention that now, there seems to be a slight bit of hope written for Dani in regards to the future. One word of advice though-Don't let it come too easily to her. She needs to suffer if you want your readers to suffer. From the looks of this, it almost seems like she's found a friend, which is a good thing! just don't make it overly easy for her to survive. Just a suggestion.
I know I talked about this before, but one thing I love doing with this certain problem, is just being a nag over it. So here goes. Your dialogue punctuation is off. What you need to do with that, is because sometimes it gets super confusing, you need to run through each bit of dialogue and reference it to this link here]. I know this topic is really confusing, but it's also extremely important. Dialogue is a main function of writing, and if it gets off... well, then it reflects off of the entire piece, if you get what I mean. The reader will focus more on incorrect punctuation, than on the actual story. Hope that made sense.
I believe you mean "passed?"
I think you mean was instead of were.
It's awesome that you put the thought process into italics, but I also wanted to make sure that you know something about these thought tags that you have. Treat them exactly like dialogue tags. MC says something, and there's a tag, then you have a comma going into the tag and not a period.
I'm pretty sure you mean pretty, right? I mean, she hasn't known this woman enough to know if she's petty.
That would be all for nitpicks, I believe. I also don't wish to run the risk of repeating anything my brother has said (timmyjake) so I'd better stop now, or something baad will happen.
From where the story is going, I'm starting to wonder if maybe this Nate person is going to be involved in the future and if Dani is going to somehow involved with these two women now. If she is, I can definitely go for that as long as she has a hard time in the future! I know it's kinda strange to say something like this, but I kinda enjoy seeing my characters suffer. Okay, as the reader I don't. I hate it, but I keep reading. As a writer, though, I know that once my character stop getting into trouble and stop going through pain and so forth, then so will my readers, and that's essentially not what you want. Once the character has stopped crying then so will the reader. It's a pretty popular saying, I believe.
Anyways, I hope this helps you out and I'll go check out the next chapter as soon as I can!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Thanks a billion for the review
Timmy here
So I thought I would pop by and give you a review on this piece... but since I haven't read the other chapters and such, you will have to excuse me for not saying anything plot wise. If anything looks odd, I will say something, but it may not be entirely accurate because I have not read the other parts.
Okay. You ready? Let's go.
So this part just seems like, when reading through, you missed a word somewhere in here. I believe you missed one right after someone. I'll let you fill in the blanks.
Comma after Nate
This next bit you can ignore if you like, since some people would see it as purely stylistic choice. I see it as something all writers must strive for... but whatever you think matters. So if you don't agree, then you can just skip over this part.
So one thing I noticed that happens somewhat often in your writing is an excessive use of punctuation. Now one thing that you may say now is: "But every comma belongs there!" And you would be correct, because in almost every case where you have quite a few commas (like the one above), they do have a place. And too many commas in a sentence - and too many directly after each other - tend to jerk the sentence and piece around, make it disjointed. Even if they belong in the sentence, there is always a way to structure your work to put as few commas in you sentence as you can. Having a lot of commas can make the piece seem like you're doing some beat to it, a disjointed feeling throughout. Because so many commas inhibits the pieces flow. In most cases, you can fix that. It's so easy to just think as few of commas as possible and structure your sentences as you write to allow only a few commas in there. You want your piece to flow as well as it can, and having only a few commas in your sentences will help that.
Comma after thoughtfulness
With this part, I just didn't like how he said everything. Each time I ran the words past in my head, it sounded as though Nate just didn't care about Mrs. Davis and was just doing it because the captain had ordered it... or some such. Like he didn't care about anything that was going on with her, but was just doing as he was told. I know this probably wasn't your intent when writing this part, but I think it made his character seem like this. Perhaps you can reword if you meant something else? It just took me out of the story for a moment while I had to reboot and wonder why he was acting like this.
So I thought this was written very well. I liked the story, and the constant reminder of the ship and that she hasn't gotten her sea legs. Most people wouldn't have remembered those little details, so thank you for that. It was really nice to have this piece written in such a realistic manner. Now, one thing I would work on for future chapters are your descriptions. I thought they were too small, and didn't really give me a picture. The one of the cabin was a fair description, although I think you could have done better. What didn't work for me was the lack of description on everything else. You did okay descriptions of the women, but I think you could have expanded on what you have here. Judging from how good your writing is, I know you can dish out better descriptions than what you have here. Good luck with them.
I think that is all I have for this piece. Keep persisting, and keep writing - the only ways we can do better. I think you did a wonderful job.
~Darth Timmyjake
Thanks