I was doing this for NaNoWirMo but I was falling to far behind so I gave up. I haven't edited
any of it yet so if it is boring or there are lots of mistakes that is most likely why. It's something I've been wanting to do for a while, so l hope you like it. Just remember its still in the works, so its not perfect (yet).
~
Over the Horizon
Chapter One
Fifteen year old Danielle Took could feel the boat’s rhythmic sway as small waves broke against its hull. The strong stench of something rotting stung her nose, making her eyes water. The sound of nearby women whimpering could be heard as Dani pulled herself into a tighter ball. She knew how they felt, to be forced to leave their families and loved ones. She had had to leave her little brother, the only family she had left, to fend for himself.
Lifting her head to look around the dark, dank hole. It was to be her home for the next who knows how long, and she felt disgusted and angry at the sight of it. Other convicts, like herself, huddled on a pile of half rotted hay. Tiny specks of light shined through cracks in the dark grey wood that made up the ship. A small brown mouse scurried across the boards in front of her. How anyone with ‘morals could’ let a human being live in such conditions, even a convicted one, was beyond her. It was all she could do not to gag.
It was defiantly a different life from what she had been living only a few years ago. She had lived on a fine estate with her Mamma and Papa. She had had all the food and warm clothing that she could ever want. She had had a soft feather bed and fine quilts. How she had liked all their fine things. But that was before Papa had lost the estate and all his money. And before he and Mamma had both died of cold, exhaustion and worry. That easy life now seemed like nothing more than an old dream to Dani.
They had been at sea for barely three days, sailing on the Charlotte, one of the eleven ships apart of the First Fleet. They were on their way to the new land called Australia, to build a new colony for England. It was quite a terrifying thought to think that they were sailing to a new land. A place where almost no European had ever been before. And what of these natives they had heard about? Would they be fierce and dangerous like the natives in America? Nobody seemed to know.
Sucking in a lungful of foul air, Dani griped the filthy skirt of her dress, in an attempt to control her panic. I will not show how scared I am, she thought to herself, especially not to the free people. She felt that if she did, they would surely use it against her.
Her thoughts were interrupted then, when she heard someone whisper her name.
“Dani?” the voice repeated.
Turning to see who it was, Dani spotted Mia, a young girl of about twelve. Dani had met her not long before they had set sail, while they were waiting in prison. The girl was crouched against the thick wall of the ship. In the dim lighting Dani could see her thin frame shaking as the girl hugged herself. Her eyes were full of fear and dread. Seeing her like that made Dani’s own fear instantly leave.
“Mia, what’s wrong?” Dani whispered softly, as she crawled towards her.
“Oh! Dani! I’m so scared,” she sobbed, grabbing Dani’s wrists with a death grip, “What if we run into a storm and all end up drowning? Or what if we get attacked by a sea serpent and it eats us all? Or what if…”
“Mia,” Dani interrupted, “we’ll be fine. The Captain will make sure we get there safely.”
“Are you sure?” Mia asked with a sniffle.
“Absolutely certain.” Dani said reassuringly. She knew what she had just said had been a lie, but it had to be said to stop Mia from shaking. Dani really had no idea whether Captain Gilbert would get them there safely. In fact she was not really sure of anything. Sighing, she pulled Mia into a hug. Slowly rocking back and forth, Dani started to hum an old lullaby that she could not remember the words to. And soon, Mia stopped whimpering and just sat there listening.
“Feel better now?” Dani asked when the song had finished.
“Yes. Thank you, Dani.” She said, flashing her a bright smile. It was the type of smile that made the sun shine in your soul. Smiling back at her, Dani had the feeling that Mia had done more to help her then she had her.
End of chapter
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139,688 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
Jack here for a quick review!!
There have been a few books about the first fleet, but I personally have never read any of them.
You writing still is fun, and new. You idea has full potential to go in any direction, heck you could make Danni have super powers, or her being the first woman to travel across to lake Eyre. There is so much choice!!
Though for a first chapter I personally think there is so much more you could add. There wasn't really anything that made me want to keep reading at the end. Also you need to talk more about what the girls surroundings are like, what is the ship she is on and so on. Is the wood black or brown, you get what I mean.
But anyway I like what you having going here and I hope to read more as this continues. As I am sure it will be very creative. Good job Nikki. Thumbs up!!
Jack
I also started to do the NaNoWriMo challenge and fell behind because of school, so I totally understand.
*something rotting sung her nose- I've never heard of 'sung' used this way and I looked up the definition and found nothing that would work in this way. You may be right, but you might want to try using a more common word.
*The sound of nearby women whimpering, could be heard as Dani pulled herself into a tighter ball- you don't need that comma after 'whimpering'
*they felt, being made to leave their- I think a better way to word this would be 'they felt, to be forced to leave their . . .'
*She had had to leave her little brother, the only family she had left, to fend for himself.- I think it would flow better if you turned this into two sentences. You could say 'She had had to leave her little brother behind, alone. He had to fend for himself because she was the only family he had left.' I know you said that the brother was the only family she had left, but is it true that she is the only family he has left because he is now alone? If I misinterpreted this, you can ignore this whole comment.
*Lifting her head to look around the dark, dank hole that was to be her home for the next who knows how long, she felt disgusted and angry at the sight of it.- 'She lifted her head to look around the dark, dank hole. It was to be her home for who knows how long, and she felt disgusted and angry at the sight of it.' Just a suggestion of how you could reword this.
*with ‘morals’ let a - comma after 'morals'
*convicted one.- should be a ? instead of a period
*It was even worse than the streets of London. It was all she could do not to gag.- 'Being even worse than the streets of London, it was all she could do not to gag.'
*for little more- for a little more
*They must never know how frightened she was. If they did they would surely use it against her.- I don't think you need this first sentence because you already said that she was scared and just by saying that they would use it against her is enough to cover that they must never know.
*Dani had met her not long after we had set sail- You just threw in that 'we', switching up tenses.
*scared.” She sobbed,- scared," she sobbed,
*not really wanting to hear anymore,- I would say something about not wanting to hear 'her complaining' anymore
*been a lie but it had - comma after lie
*Slowly rocking back and forth, Dani started to hum an old lullaby that she could not remember the words to and soon Mia stopped whimpering and just sat there listening.- You could make this two sentences.
*Dani asked when she had finished- Dani asked when the song was over.
So I just stated a few grammar errors and ways you could reword sentences, which will be really easy to fix. I think you have done a great job. Maybe you could mention where they are sailing or Dani's background, unless you're saving that for future chapters. You were very descriptive. This was really good. Keep writing!:)
Thanks. Will try and fix any mistakes as soon as I have time to do so
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
I always just can't resist reviewing when I see a new work, so here goes. This might possibly be a shorter review, as this is a fairly short work. Not too short for introducing a new story, though.
I think that main question that could be asked here, is why she is a captive? It was alluded to pretty well that she was some sort of a criminal? Or she is at least convicted of something, that is bad enough to where she is sent on the ship. I personally, don't pretend to understand much of this type of thing, but I am wondering what time period this is in? It's obviously Historical Fiction, and it is when they are first building up the world with the colonies and what have you, but what year is it? This is something that can of course be addressed in later chapters, so just some curiosity on my part.
But I suppose what I'm mainly curious about is why they are there. That is something that I don't understand. The two girls are probably 13 and 15, right? Not many girls that age can do something that would be worthy of being captured (or something like that) and being put on a ship to Australia. I'm rather curious about this actually. Make sure to tell me when you post next as this is awesome.
As you said that you hadn't edited this yet, I won't be doing any grammar nitpicks really, if any more nitpicks at all. What I would like to talk about here, though, is a big problem. Dialogue punctuation is extremely difficult to get right, I know cause I see it all the time.
Well, Mai hadn't been talking for that long though... maybe have her ramble on for just a little more?
This really isn't that big of a problem, but that's a looot of pronouns if I may say so. I found it a bit hard to read, so I was thinking you maybe tweak with it a bit and cut some out. Just a suggestion. ^ ^
Alright, that's it from me for now! You've got an excellent start here for a story, and I can't wait to see what happens next. Especially since we were thrown into this story, with no backround on this character, with the MC on the way to Australia, has planted curiosity in my head and now it won't leave. Pleas tell me when you post more of this! I'll gladly review, if I have the time.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Thanks for the review
Hello there Nikki399! Ambeezy here for a review.
So, I read that you haven't edited this piece yet, so I won't point out grammar & all that stuff. First off I LOVE Historical Fiction. Anything that has to do with London & the regency period I absolutely adore.
Okay, so your beginning is very captivating. I'm already wondering why Danielle has been convicted. When you start editing, maybe you could describe the boat more. What made it worse than the streets in London? Also the people around her and maybe the time of day?
I'm so curious as to what Mia, a young 12 year old girl has done to get convicted as well. I can already sense a sister bond between her and Danielle.
Like you stated, this is "still in the works" so I can't wait until you add more because I am really interested in this story. Let me know when you have finished!
Yeah, I love Historical Fiction too
Thanks for your review. I'll try and work on what you've mentioned. Hope you continue reading.
Very well written. If I were you I would describe Dani's connection to Mia a little better. I mean, were they partners in crime? Another question I have is why is she is convicted? What did she do? These would be some good questions to answer if you are looking for a higher word count. This a good beginning though, and I hope you continue it. I would love to see where it leads.
Thanks
Thanks